November? Seriously?

I can't believe this is near its end.

I've told myself, "You will not cry."

This is like telling your kid not to ask for toys when you go to Walmart... or getting through an entire talk show without a crack made at the President, or a rambling about how Brit and K Fed's split was so "unexpected".

Who am I kidding? I cry during Summer's Eve commercials when (fake) mother and daughter have a heart-warming discussion about their "freshness". I cried when Bobby on The Biggest Loser reunited with his family tonight!

The flood waters are coming... I just hope they don't last too long... I just hope Matt will get to the front of the line, rather than the back like last time... I just hope "reintegration" is as easy as can be... I just hope he doesn't have to go again... I just hope he gets home okay... I guess... I can only "just hope" for one thing.

I'm fucked...

haha... really fucked. Oh justice... how sweet you feel.

Nighty night.

TV sucks on Tuesdays

Tagging Trish, and fancythis. That's all... I don't have many friends. :(

1. Things that scare me: I'm frightened of this so immensely, I can't type them.

2. People who make me laugh: Matthew :)

3.Things I hate the most: I hate that I love peanut butter so unnaturally.

4. Things I don't understand: how people can complain about one thing, and then turn around and do that very same thing???

5.Things I'm doing right now: blogging... duh. That's it... I just got through working on Matt's Welcome Home banner.

6.Things I want to do before I die: I'd like to meet my gret grandkids... have a honeymoon. The later is less likely.

7.Things I can do: I can read.... oh oh oh AND write. I'm so cool.

8. Ways to describe my personality: Ummm.... I don't know... I guess most people find me charming, but when I'm alone in the dark, it overcomes me sometimes.

9. Things I can't do: I can't not care.

10.Things I think you should listen to: Rogue Wave... they are pretty good. And, your mom when she says, "One day, you'll miss me." It's true.

11. Things you should never listen to: ME. :) But, you should read me. :)

12.Things I'd like to learn: I'd like to learn how to use my darn sewing machine.

13.Favorite Foods: Peanut butter. Were you not paying attention?

14.Beverages I drink regularly: water, coffee, chi tea.

14a. Beverages I'm trying not to drink regularly: well, I stopped drinking soda a long time ago. I had to try to do that.

15. Shows I watched as a kid: X-Men, Spiderman, Punky Bruster, Gargoyles, others.

16. Persons I am tagging: Trish, fancythis

short and sweet

Those of you that know me, know I have a huge obsession with everything SUPERMAN... or SUPERGIRL (I prefer "woman", but whatever). Supergirl underwear (let me check... yup, wearing some now), Supergirl PJ shorts, Superman tees, refrigerator magnets, notepads (thanks Trish), air freshers in the shape of the Superman and Supergirl emblem... the house of El... okkkkaaayyy... Anyway, the point is, I love Superman. Smallville.... greatest! I love Tom Welling... oh man. But, I have a serious crush on Michael Rosenbaum, Mr. Lex Luthor himself. So, most would see this, and think maybe it's an isolated incident. Maybe she's not a science fiction fan... just a fluke!? Nope... Chronicles of Narnia... what great books (and movie... even though they started on the SECOND book). I love vampire movies, the X-men, Batman, and the like. Anyway, what's my point? Well, I've discovered (well, I didn't discover it), a new show called Heroes. It's sooooo good. If you haven't seen it, and even if this sort of super hero theme isn't your bag, you should watch it. It's so good. Now, in my search for a Heroes site, I came across a MySpace fansite for the show, and thus discovered Rogue Wave. The song below is on my MySpace site. (note: the name of my MySpace is "supermcgraws"... okay?) Below are the lyrics to said song, called "Eyes". Short and sweet. Check them out; they have some other great songs on their page.


Rogue Wave- Eyes

missed the last train
home birds pass by
to tell me that im not alone
well im pushing myself
to finish this part
i can handle a lot
but one thing i'm missing
is in your eyes

(chorus)
in your eyes
in your eyes
in your eyes

have you seen this film
it reminds me of walking
down the avenue
well im washing my hands
of attachments,
yeah i will land on the ground
but one thing i’m missing
is in your eyes

(chorus)

PS My husband also shares this obsession over Superman with me... which is why we were made for one another... See picture. :) That artist drew our bodies so realistically................

Google, are you trying to tell me something?

Google directed someone to my page that searched (when they were obviously upset):

shitty friends

Google, have I pissed you off? Or, is God trying to tell me something, and using you as an avenue?

Pardon Me

Well, surprisingly, the last week has flown by quickly. I can only hope the week to follow... will run past with the same intensity. I've been busy. Busy trying to finish all the projects I started last year. They are as follows:

1- A massive scrapbook chronicling the year Matt has been away... vacations, birthdays, holidays, and sadly, one death. It's called, "While You Were Away". I can't take credit for the title. It was Jayel, my sister's, idea. It's seriously large. I only have a few pages to finish. I still need those Halloween pictures from Jayel of her boys, Aidan and Bobby. Then, I just have the homecoming pictures to include. He doesn't know about it yet, and I hope he likes it.

2- Another scrapbook that covers those 15 magical days in July and August while Matt was home on R&R. Here is the last page:

What do you think? it's actually my favorite part of the projects because it didn't take very long, and it's all pictures of me, Matthew, and family. We had a ton of fun those 15 days.

3- A book that contains every email (minus the angry ones) Matt wrote me the last year. That one is sort of vanilla, but it's cool too. I'll have to print out every email I wrote him (minus the duplicates), and make a book... but, that is another huge project. He has saved them all, but that is going to take some time. He also has all the cards I've sent him... and others have sent... oh wow, now I'm just piling work on.

4- A welcome home banner. I have a sheet washed, and just waiting to be painted. That is this weeks task.

I still have to make sure the house and car are clean, the yard looks good, give Zora a bath, plan meals, grocery shop, and make arrangements to sleep on my side of the bed again. Oh bother! I better get back to work, eh?

Have a lovely Tuesday!

I love my SIGO

...that is all...

my eyes are bleeding

Red, hot, fierce tears.

and another one

Since insomnia is the name of the game... and being that I've had a VERY emotional day, I need a moment. A moment to pause, to reflect... to remember.

Yes, I await the way those blue eyes look grey when he's in uniform. I hold my breath until I see his grey patch of hair step off the bus, and into the gym. I can spot him from a mile away. I can smell him.

perception can become reality

Why can't I verbally express that which is contained in my head? Why are my fingers so much more eloquent? Why must I strike these keys with such consistent effficiency? It seems, a curse. The trembling in my voice does nothing to quell the aching desire to exclaim what I feel. Nothing. I can't hide a thing in my eyes, but my quaking nature confuses you. I confuse me... I confuse all. I'm so easily susceptible to apologies. I'm sucked in with one break in speech, with one pause for concern, or sincerity. I'm so thrown... I'm so eager.

I'm so completely... confused. I'm exhausted. I'm torn. I will forever be learning, and being taught lessons. Life leaves nothing out, eventually. I will never stop changing the way I adapt, and grow. How could I? Impossible.

Don't shut me out... Lord, please, don't let me be shut out.

Nada Surf- Inside of Love
Watching terrible TV
It kills all thought
Getting spacier than
An astronaut

Making out with people
I hardly know or like
I can't believe what i do
Late at night

I wanna know what it's like
On the inside of love
I'm standing at the gates
I see the beauty above

Only when we get to see
The aerial view
Will the patterns show
We'll know what to do

I know the last page so well
I can't see the first
So i just don't start
It's getting worse

I wanna know what it's like
On the inside of love
I'm standing at the gates
I see the beauty above

I can't find my way in
I try again and again

I'm on the outside of love
Always under or above
Can't find my way in
I try again and again

I'm on the outside of love
Always under or above
Must be a different view
To be a me with a you

I wanna know what it's like
On the inside of love
I'm standing at the gates
I see the beauty above

Of course I'll be alright
I just had a bad night

I hate coming up with titles

Soooo... not long now. Only about 15 days... sweet, sweet order.

Anyway, went out last night with Trish and friends. It was costume night at the local Grams in Austin. Batman hit on me... he didn't pull off the tights very well. I told him there was a height requirement for this ride. Ha... I love that one. I can't even count how many times "some guy" said, "Wow, you're tall." or "I love a tall woman." I have various responses to this line. Such as: "Um, really? I hadn't noticed (walks away)." "And, you're short, please go away." or, my personal favorite: "It's an optical illusion."

Well, I've decided that going out on time change night is not a good plan. That extra hour of drinking.... not fun, and just a bad idea all around. It increases the intensity of the phenomenon known as "the hangover."

Pumpkin fun

I carved some pumpkins last night... but, this one takes the cake. I didn't carve... I only wish I had.

I've been tagged!!

So... Ms. Trisha tagged me... so here goes... a bunch of stuff you don't want to know, really.

1. Explain what ended your last relationship? bad timing... oh, and me being a crazy-in-love woman

2. When was the last time you shaved? a few days ago... before that... I can't even remember

3. What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.? sleeping

4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago? messing with my new sewing machine.. I'm so domestic

5. Are you any good at math? why yes, I am.

6. Your prom night? I went with a guy that spent lots of money on me, and I didn't even kiss him... then, I went and hung out with my "friend" later. We slept in his car in front of my house. I still had that rose perfectly placed in my hair when I woke.

7. Do you have any famous ancestors? People aske me everyday if I'm related to Tim McGraw... no.. okay... NO! Other than that, I have no idea.

8. Have you had to take a loan out for school? hasn't everyone?

9. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace profile? Yes... It's Ache, by James Carrington. Thanks to Jeremy, I already have the lyrics, and didn't have to go searching for it after watching Smallville.

10. Last thing received in the mail? Junk, like everyday.

11. How many different beverages have you had today? Just coffee, and water.

12. Do you ever leave messages on people’s answering machine? Always, and I hate then they call back without checking.

13. Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to? I saw Easy E in concert when I was 13.

14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach? Doesn't everyone?

15. What’s the most painful dental procedure you’ve had? A root canal one day, and worse, another the next day on the tooth above the other.

16. What is out your back door? A barking dog, and bunch of her poo. I gotta clean that crap... ha ha crap.

17. Any plans for Friday night? cleaning up Zora's poo, apparently.

18. Do you like what the ocean does to your hair? I like what the ocean breeze does to my hair... but I hate when my hair is all salty. It's long... and two feet of hair with salt water... ICK.

19. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different popcorns? Ha, my Grams used to have them at Christmas time.

20. Have you ever been to a planetarium? Yes... in fact.. it's a great date night thing. I'm taking Matt there when he gets back.

21. Do you re-use towels after you shower? I reuse the previous days towel for my hair.

22. Some things you are excited about? I don't even think I need to answer that.

23. What is your favorite flavor of JELLO? I don't know... strawberry is always good bet with me.

24. Describe your keychain(s)? A dog tag with this symbol on it. It's Matt's unit crest.

25. Where do you keep your change? In a change purse, and in the strawberry cow in my kitchen.

26. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people? The last time was a poetry reading in El Paso, I'm sure.... oh wait... I gave a presentation on how horrible smoking can be to your health in May.

27. What kind of winter coat do you own? One long wool coat, and a wool pea coat.

28. What was the weather like on your graduation day? HOT.

29. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed? Closed... can't have Zora walking around on the wood floors... drives me crazy.

Okay, done.

BOO!

Another strange way to find my page...

Go to Aol.com and search:

halloween foreshadowing read aloud

... I wonder what this person was really trying to find...

Weird.

I'm not real... I'm unreal.

I don't know what to blog about. I'm coming up empty... that's never fun. I have several of the same-ol' same-ol' topics on my brain, but they just won't do. No, I need something fresh... something new. I need to wash my hands of the ugliness following me. I need to apply moisturizer. I need rub them dry, and place my rings on their respective fingers, and smell the freshness of the lotion... instead of the pungent old greasiness clinging beneath my nails.

I could blog about all the rain today... steady, smelly... BORING.

I could say how Mary left... that's just the same-ol' sad. Maybe some other time.

I could say how three weeks might as well be three months... he's still not here... but, see above.

I could say that I fear the disruption of quiet I have endured. I do not anticipate it's fleeting nature. The chattering of pictures that hang on the walls is familiar, and comforting. The jet powered hum of the AC as it stops and starts lets me know I'm home. I couldn't imagine being away from home for a month... a year? Oh never. I leave for a week, and I get crabby. I love home. I love home especially when home is home.

Home will be home... soon. OH there I go again... the same-ol' sad.

I'm just waiting.

death and the upcoming

So many things seem difficult... mundane activities... everyday activities. Then, an activity comes around, that may only happen once a year, once every three years, or something that comes sporadically, and pray will ne'er return. I rightfully claim to be emotionally drained. This time of year used to be my favorite. The leaves should be changing; the weather is cooling; my birthday; Halloween; Thanksgiving... so many great events. The leaves aren't changing, the weather is barely cooling, my birthday sucked ass, and who knows how the others will turn out. My husband is on his way home so soon... but, there is so much sadness around me right now making it impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

This weekend I attend the wake and funeral of one Magdalen Gosch, wonderful Grandmother, snappy card player, and one sassy woman. She went peacefully, for which we are all thankful, but these times can't help but be sad. I can't even imagine what my mother-in-law, and her siblings are going through. To lose ones mother... I can't even contemplate without my eyes bubbling and burning with salty tears. I can't imagine this world without my mother.

I sit here, crying through the words. I have to cry now... I can't break down there. I must be the rock, the hard place for which to lean. I need my rest for I will be in Minnesota by tomorrow night.

Also, this evening I bid a misty farewell to a friend that I haven't known long, but will miss and think of often. I am sad I won't be here to help, but I am needed much more elsewhere. I will see you both in a year, and you better call me so that we may ALL get together. It would be so grand to be a party of four... rather than the usual three... or two soon. You will be fine M... don't worry too much (that is a large feat if you manage not to worry a ton), he will be home soon. And B, take care, and thanks for doing what others will not.

Surveys seem so simple, and require so little...
1. One book that's changed your life.
Any VC Andrews novel ever...

2. One book that you have read more than once.
The Chronicles of Narnia

3. One book that you would want on a deserted island?
The ultimate Map Book or something... so I can plot my way home.

4. One book that made you cry.
Home Fires Burning--- Pain staking, Army Wife stories

5. One book that made you laugh.
Eragon

6. One book you wish had been written
I don't understand the question?

7. One book you wish had never been written
Mein Kampf Hitler--- Good one T

8. One book you are currently reading
Eragon

9. One book you’ve been meaning to read.
Mr. Murder- Dean Koontz--- Matt's reading it in Iraq

10. One book you're proud you own
ummmmm... the Dictionay

11. One book from which you must read aloud.
Persuassion- Jane Austen... that was a tough read

whaaaa?

Another interesting "Google"...

Search: always unsupportive wife

And, apparently, you find my blog.

Weird.

your lessons for today

You can only blame your Present and Future on your Past for so long; Sooner or later you must learn from your history... so that you may credit your Future to your Past. I do not feel for you if you let someone hurt you, twice. I have no pity for repeat offenders. I find no solace in their self-destructive nature, and the tears it brings to many.

If you don't want honesty from me, I am not the friend for you. You and I will not get along. If you want to wear a short shirt out on the town, and you ask me, "Does this make me look like a slut?" I'm not going to lie to you; I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear. I'm going to give you the Truth; the ugly, painful, and releasing Truth.

If it makes you feel better to throw my own misery in my face, find a sympathetic ear for your troubles elsewhere.

Everything is relative. Three weeks away from your loved one may feel like an eternity... and to us it is a mere hour... Texans think 60 degrees is cold; Minnesotan (ians? oans?) wear shorts. A flu shot is nothing; I have bruises I can't remember bumping; Cuts that bleed, and I feel nothing... but when a friend smites you... it writhes more than a thousand bee stings, and the scars last for a life time.

still uphill

Every day is the same. Yet, every day I feel different. I feel as though this year passed has aged me double. Lessons I shouldn't have had to learn for years to come have made their presence known. Lessons on love, marriage, life, friendship, and common sense rear their maturity. I feel like a teddy bear must after hours in the rain. He's picked up by one leg, the soft water is squeezed from the inside... leaving him lighter, thinner, worn, and dry; Holes tatter his seems, and his button eyes are scratched or even missing. His faithful possessor still clings to him with love despite his wear and tear. The later part of this Teddy's story has yet to reveal it's ending. I'm unsure how my 25th year will close... it does tonight, and I will officially be in my late-twenties... I do harbor some hesitation to admit I am 26... not until 8:32am thank you very much... but, I have many things for which to be thankful. I am. I am grateful.

And, as always, I am missing a certain someone you all know as Matty.

His proximity suffocates me... His distance closes soon.

Hot RED Shoes

My previous post was all piss and vinegar... here's a hot one. Check out my new b-day shoes. I'm so psyched. I wonder how bad my feet will hurt? Who cares! I'll be taller than all the boys! Friday the 13th here I come...

shitty friends

There are many times when I have the most overwhemling desire to scream... but I don't. I remain silent; I only scream inside. When inside I blare, and my outside I just breathe... it's still obvious. My eyes can't hide shit, my voice always gives me away; So, I have no secrets. I am an open fucking book. Chapter by chapter one can flip through my inner workings, divulging my darkest thoughts to anyone who might ask, and solve the puzzle... revealing me.

Most pretend not to know. They don't ask, but I can see it (or hear it)... they wonder, but don't ask. Something is bothering me, but it's ignored. Avoidence is so easy... too easy. Only a real friend would ask.

There are people who are just starting the journey I started not too long ago... I am still here, still enduring... but, it seems to be forgotten. I seem to have been forgotten. Even though I know the feeling... of waiting... and now they know... but still I'm forgotten. I know this... I know I cannot rely on anyone, but myself. I am my own keeper. It is my responsiblity to "look after" me.

I'll still be here, enduring, and enduring... and fucking dealing like usual.

F-ing shitty friends.

Flown by Sheridan

It feels good to feel so good
It's like I've been misunderstood
And I've tried to hold on to you
But there's nothing else to hold on to
If you open your eyes only once
You would have known

This bird has flown
Long ago
I'm already gone

Took a long time to finally see
Now I'm stronger than I used to be
And we don't need to say goodbye
Cause we've done that so many times
And it never occured to you once
You're all alone

This bird has flown
Long ago
I'm already gone

And I've tried so many times to talk to you
But there's just so many things
You can put me through
If you'd open your eyes you would know
You're all alone

This bird has flown
Long ago
I'm already gone

Already gone...
Already gone...