something other than...

I've just completed the final for my nutrition class. Go on, ask me what Vitamin A or D does... or Selenium, Zinc or Pantothenic Acid. I'm actually surprised I can spell PA out completely.
Sometimes, I drink too much wine, and I have a desire so great for chocolate that I'm willing to walk where ever I can to get come peanut butter cups (then again, I gave up PB... right...). Other times, I drink just enough, and it's makes me ponder the great possibilities that are this life. This life... what a strange concept. This life I have... who ever thought? Certainly none of you; those of you that know me, anyway. Well, this life is good, tough... but, who's life is easy, right? I should be so lucky. I have become impatient with those in my life who I expect certain things from; those I've been close to in the past; those I wish I were still close to, but can't seem to find common ground anymore. I expect support. Maybe that's irrational of me. I can't expect everyone to value what I value just because they are friends or even, family. No, I can't. I can only expect understanding... or can I? I'm unsure what the proper protocol is... what I should say, do, act like so that they don't feel uncomfortable because they have no words for me. Why does everyone think I need their words? Because conception is lacked... I guess. Because it's easy to put something out of your mind when it doesn't stare you in the face each morning. When you don't live something everyday, say paralysis, for example, it's natural to want to offer your help or sympathy when it isn't necessary. But, I'm sure, even people who need it the most get tired of being treated like a sick creature... as if they'd break were one word to be spoken of their condition or situation. As if I'm that fragile...
Be there, or don't... it's that simple.
I guess it takes something, such as this, for a person to realize whom she/he can count on. I know now.
wine in hand and craving chocolate,
Vanessa

My Matty

As May and Spring smile their pretty eyes at me... I'm realizing... this is our time. We are best in sun and surf and sand and swim. The summers are ours... Winter belongs to the weather and fall is for change. The hard part is now. The longer this drought of him lasts the more dehydrated I become. I need saturation... I need over saturation. I'll have my time soon. I'll repeat my motto: No news is good news because bad news travels fast; I am strong... I am stronger. We are stronger.

I do miss this smile so...

I will wait. I am waiting.

Thursday night, the same as any other.

Tonight... does not deserve a name. It is the same. The same as any other night. I am still here, alone. I still repeat myself. I am drinking wine (I don't do that every night), I am feeling sentimental... and I am thinking of Matty... tonight is no different; it does not deserve its own name.
This life of mine... it is my own. I do not ask for sympathy; I do not even ask for thankfulness of my husband's (and his family's) sacrifice; I ask not that you sigh when I am sad. This life is mine. I chose this life, and it is mine. I would not give it up. I would not trade this life. I would not trade Matty. All I ask... just as any other human would want... is my sacrifices, my struggles, my pain... my longing, not be minimized. It is offensive to assume you have it harder than any other person... I do not have it harder than most... but, I do know what wanting is... I do know what waiting feels like... I do know what patience means. Few people know what being patient truly means. I once thought of myself as patient; I was wrong. I am patient now. I could wait years... and I am... waiting, wanting, being patient... for one longing year. I shall wait with optimistic fright, but love.
Tonight has no name. It is another night amongst many... a sea of nights drenched in hopeful romanticism... drowning in longing, lonely love.
I would, will, wait. The days are quick and the nights are as plenty as they are slow...
*Vanessa*

132 days and I saw his smile

It's been 132 days of faceless conversation... of imagination... of wondering, waiting, hoping...
I saw him tonight. It was not what I expected. There was a long delay and voice was distorted... but, when he smiled, because of the delay, it paused on his face for moments... his beautiful smile... so sexy, so raw... so him. I found myself speechless... all I could think of how he hasn't changed a bit... he's still Matty... he's still mine.
Those 10 minutes of exchange, interupted by the playing of "Taps", were grand. Yet, it's another reminder of how far away he really is from me. He sat in a plain room with a blue stripe across the wall... only him... him and his smile and a white streak running through his hair... exactly how I remember him.
I shall dream plenty tonight.
Vanessa

waiting

Tomorrow will be 14 days since he's called. Tomorrow will be 131 days he's been gone.
The days cruise by and the nights, linger. I look at the clock and it's still 22:19... 22:19... 22:19... always... it's always 22:19.
Tomorrow is Friday. Tomorrow I should see his face, his smile... for the first time in 131 days. Tomorrow I will be content... for a time; for an undisclosed length of time. I have to be content; I don't know when I'll get satisfaction, again. I do know... he'll be home. He'll be home and we'll jog, cycle, watch movies, eat out, eat in... everything will be together; for an undisclosed length of time.
I wonder if he knows... if he knows I wait for him. I'll always wait for him. I'd climb volcano after volcano to add minutes to his calling card. I've repeated and repeated the last message he left on my voicemail... even though he sounds sad because I missed his call. I keep pressing "9" for "save this message". I'll always save him.
I'll always. 22:24...