Today is the infamous Zora's birthday. She's a whole year old. I don't know where the year went. She's still tiny; still scared of plastic bags, the bed covers, the washer, loud noises, people she doesn't know, her shadow (I could go on forever); and just as sweet as ever. She's been so good to me since Matty left. She turns in circles when I get home from a long day... she's so happy to see me. She follows he around the house (like Matty used to) and lives and breathes on my every move. It's nice to still have someone around that needs me. Anyway, happy birthday to my not-so-little, little girl, Zora!
 

I'm such a tortured soul. I've been in and out of disappointment and now the worst has befallen this tragic hero. You've saturated my fat cells far too long. At first, I thought our little indiscretions were just between you and me but, I've come to realize our sorted relationship has become 2-4 pounds of excess baggage. I'm ending my love affair with you, PB. It's was as great as it was long. But, the time has come... I will miss those picnics in the park, with you, Jelly and Whole Wheat. I'll never forget how you comforted me on a spoon or melted on a piece of warm Whole Wheat. You and Honey made such an excellent pair, all gooey and dripping. Cookies, snack bars, shakes, ice cream, biscotti... the list goes on and on. In pure form, you've melted my taste buds past satisfaction. I can't even think about you and Chocolate; he will almost miss you as much as I. Apple, Celery and Cracker all bid you farewell but, it is not as bitter and un-sweet as the kiss I give you goodbye. I will forever treasure the hunger you quenched. For all these and many more reasons I must offer a parting peck. For the hour is past in which you take your excess calories to the trash... Adieu!

Reflection

I don't know why but, I feel very contemplative tonight. As if every little event matters. I'm almost pondering the very meaning of life, without reason really. As I gaze at the latest picture of my deployed loved one, his grey streak of hair and brilliant smile stand out like burning lava among common rock. I can tell who's taken the picture. Someone he loves very much is the only person who could make him smile as if the corners of his mouth were without limit. It's a picture I can't help but stare at. I'm so in love and so far from my devoted one. 7364 miles seems endless but, his distance from my heart is nothing more than a pin drop. It's insignificant size matters not. I feel his love in me growing as a blooming flower in Spring. I'm half way through the first month of 2006 and accelerating through this strenuous year of doubt and tenebrous nights. I only hope I can delay grief until my love's return when I will abolish sadness... 47 days and not counting...

Aidan

I have the cutest nephews. I hope I can turn out some cute as kids also. I don't want to be the one in the family that people are like, "Oh, dear, what a um... cute kid." And then, they go home and night and talk about how ugly my kids are.

So, this bus hit me right...

It's finally hit me. Life without my husband. It only took 41 days. Wow... harder than I contemplated. I actually never really sat around thinking, "Shit, what am I gonna do for 12-14 months without my husband?" I really only said to myself, "Look, it's going to happen. Deal." It made it easier to deal, I guess. Either that or I just put off dealing with the situation. As I age I realize how good I am at different things. Procrastination, I got from my mother. I could never reach her level, though. Now, that he is gone, I am forced to deal with my lonely solitude, alone. It prompts the question: What else can't I handle alone? If he remains in the Army, he's bound to end up deployed to Iraq or Iran or Korea or some far off land and I am bound to have a kid or two or one in the oven... and again, I'm alone. Maybe this time i'll deal better. Maybe I'll learn my lesson... nah... Another thing I got from my mother. One thing I got from my father, when it gets to hard, get out. I can't do that. I love my husband. I broke down on the phone with him today. I've needed that once a week phone call for days now. I've kept my cool for so long, I couldn't help it. I hate doing that to him. The last thing he needs to worry about is his poor sad wife at home. Oh poo. This all causes far too much wine consumption. At least I have my puppy... sweet Zora.

A message from your advisor

So, I'm at [popular/cheap world-wide store chain; name deleted for fear of backlash] dropping of some re-prints off my negatives. Can you believe they tell me to come back in an hour to print two pictures? Bolagna! Anyway, so I'm walking threw the scrapbook isle, killing time, when some crazy lady annouces to the entire store, "Attention, this is a customer page: Would the owner a red Honda Accord, license plate blah blah, please return to the service department. Your vehicle has rolled into a cab." I'm thinking, "oh shit, (wait, what color is my car?), I can't believe she just said that over the loud speaker!"

Moral of the story: Dude, do NOT get your oil changed at [said popular cheap store chain].

Man, I wish I was three again... then instead of alcohol and other sources of stress relief, I could play with my GEOTRAX! My sister, Jayel, and I stayed up until the wee hours of the night perfecting this beautiful train set (so my three year old nephew can destroy it later).
Jayel and I have decided that we can be expert "bridge builders". As long as you don't go faster than 30mph and your car doesn't weigh more than 10oz., we're good. We may have to build and tear down a few times but, all work is trial and error, right? We have bridges and roadways... even a draw bridge. How many little kids have a draw bridge in their bedroom? Seriouslly, how many?

Vanessa on crack. Wait, I AM three again!