Hola

Hello all! I know, I know... there are few that read my blog... and it doesn't help when I just disappear!

Well, there hasn't been a ton going on; just a lot of married couple relaxation.

First, we were supposed to be in El Paso for Thanksgiving, but that fell through. Thanks to an unnamed person, Soldier's that just returned home were unable to leave a 150 mile raidus restriction. Silly... I know. But, it was what it was... so, we were bummed about not seeing my mama. So, instead we went to my sister's house in Austin. That was fun. They have a little niece staying with them for a while. She's so adorable, and completely in love with my husband. See...

Anyway, so after that we just chilled out. My mom decided to make a last minute trip here. She was here over the weekend. We had a good time. We went furniture shopping. Matt and I bought a new dinning room table set, and a matress set yesterday! I can't wait to get it. I can't believe we have to wait 2 weeks. POO. We are hoping to find a bedroom set we like this week. I will have a lot of furniture moving to do before all of that arrives. I can't wait to rest my head on our new matress... I hate the one we have. I never sleep well.

Anyway, I wish I had something interesting to add... but I don't. But, I haven't forgotten about you all!!!!!! I'll write more soon.

Pictures...

As life returns to normal... and the temperatures drop (hopefully... soon), I'm excited for the coming months of vacation. We'll go from cool to cold to freezing in a matter of 18 days. Anyway, here is a few pictures of when husband came home.
They came in the door that all the purple heart vets are facing. The lights went out though, and the "DJ" blew smoke from his little smoke generator thing... so, pictures were pointless.

This is Lois, our Lieutenant Colonel's wife, and our welcome home banner for 1st Brigade.

And, of course, us... I look a little crazy, crazy in LOVE!!

Thanks for all the "welcome home" messages from you guys. It's amazing to me that people I don't even know have interest in my life. Thanks so much.
Have a nice day! We are off to watch football at our local sports pub... and that is how you know life is back to normal!

recollection

Ahh yes, I remember this...
I remember the feel of his steaming breath on my neck at night. I remember how incompatible we are with our sleeping arrangements. I remember how he scoots closer and closer to me at night with his head on my chest, and I inch closer to the edge of the bed.
I remember.
I remember how it used to feel like a three ton elephant shared the bed. When he breathed in, I'd prepare myself for a "morning breath" of humid air on my chest... like Chinese water torture. I remember how eventually, I would wiggle him onto his back so that I could get some rest.
He remembers too. See... this is nonnegotiable in his book. He needs to be next to (on top of) me at night, and I need my space.
So, as I drift to sleep, I stroke his hair in remembrance of this pesky little thing called love.
I kiss his forehead,
and,
I
give
in.

pictures! don't get excited... it's just my yard.

Well, my house is clean, the yard is clean and decorated, Zora got a bath, the cat box got cleaned, the fridge is stocked, the sheets are washed, the lawn is mowed, the car is vacummed and full of gas... is there anything else? Oh yea, I better get in the shower and start the grooming ritual!! For by this time tomorrow, my hubby and I will be watching the sun set on our year apart... Our lives becomes "Our Life."

Here are a few pictures of what Matt will see when he gets home. I'll take some of the welcome home ceremony, and post them when I come up for air. ;)

Here's what Matt will see when we round the block towards our house... see Zora in the yard... she will have a t-shirt on. I'll post pics of that another time.


Here's what he will see when we turn the corner...


and what's in his face when we enter the driveway...


Here is what our Service Star Flag looked like on the day I put it up...


and one year later when I will take it down...


Well, that's all I've got for now. Stay tuned!

Tagged by Trish

And for my short break of busy busy today... here is a lot of the same, some of the new... ENJOY! i'm off to do cup art... which will later be blogged. Stay tuned.

1. What is your current age - 26

2. When is your birthday - October 13

3. Nationality - melting pot American

4. Do you have any pets - 2- Tigalilly- kitty 5 years; Zora- puppy almost 2 years

5. Sexuality - straight? is that what this is asking?

6. What colour is your hair- dark brown with a hint of red

7. What colour are your eyes- brown... Matt calls them "pretty doe eyes". I think that means I look like a dear.

8. What ethnicity are you - Irish and German with a hint of Mexican

9. Favourite music - country mostly

10. Favourite films - ummm... Amerie is my favorite of all time, thus far.

11. Dating Status - happily married, and soon to be happily together!

12. Favourite book - I'm a big fan of VC Andrews (or at least I used to be) and Chronicles of Narnia

13. Favourite tv show -Smallville, Heroes, New Adventures of Old Christine, Grey's Anatomy, Without a Trace

14. Dream man - Matty

15. Dream woman - ummm... me

16. Can you speak any other languages - sign language, and some spanish

17.I was tagged by Trish. I am tagging fancythis, and twinki.

Priceless Picture

I received the official call that Matthew is on a plane bound for me!
A Picture Worth 1000 Million Words.
We truly take a lot for granted. Forget the football "heroes" and movie "stars". Pass this on so that all may know the price of freedom.
Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you,
Jesus Christ and the American Soldier
One died for your soul;
the other for your freedom.

How can you NOT PASS this along, we all send dozens of jokes.

obviously

Google:

insomnia kills

I pop up... yes, and it's 1:42am.

Naturally.

waiting to hear the best words, and waiting to breathe

I had a dream... I had a dream about my wonderful husband... It was lovely. I won't go into the details; you don't want to imagine them. I woke, and I swear, just as the sky is blue, I heard Matthew say, "Hey Hon?"

Two words that didn't carry very much weight.

"Hey Hon?" As if he were looking for his brown socks, phone charger, or shoe polish.

Words that have more of a hidden meaning than "I love you." Words that let you know... all is normal, or, as it should be, at least.

"Hey Hon..." as he begins a sentence that ends with his adoration of my "pretty little doe eyes."

Oh how I've missed the every day of love life... the every day ordinary...

"Hey Hon... do I have any clean shorts?"

When he says "hey hon," I can feel, with the breath he takes before speaking, how much he loves me. And, I am thankful.

"Hey Hon..." And we've picked up... like we never "left off".

"Hey Hon? Want some popcorn?" "...let me get you some coffee." "...what's my mom's telephone number?" "...does the car have gas?" "...want to go to a movie?" "...I love you."

Two words that didn't used to carry much weight... words I'd pay to hear.

"Hey Honey... I'm home."

EDIT:

I am so close... I am so close to all of the previous joys I have missed dearly. I am so close that sometimes, I almost breathe deep, and sigh out my worries. Then, I go to Today In Iraq, a frequent read, and the fear comes, and the tears come. The tears come because, I don't know where he is...? I have no idea... he could be in Baghdad, Ballad, Kuwait, or... he could be flying over the ocean, sleeping soundly and safely... on his way home. But, I can't lose sight... I can't lose sight of what is truly at stake... I must not... I waste not.

What I feel right now... is the worst feeling. It's as if my veins might explode... this feeling comes within a singular moment. Sometimes it happens everyday... sometimes it's only every three days... sometimes it's on the hour... it's completely fucking random. It's that moment when a person imagines the worst. And, I can't stop it. Only seeing his signature "I'm in uniform" walk off that bus and into my arms... will quiet the beast that beats just beneath my skin, and behind my eyes, enveloping my heart.

I am an American.

If you can read this, thank your teacher.If you can read this in English and speak freely about it, thank a veteran!!!! Today, Please remember those who have made the sacrifice for you.

A Million Tears

When the beast that is insomnia beats me to a pulp of barely recognizable matted hair, I find myself sifting through the Internet. Into the wee hours of the night my eyes, open or closed, inhale enormous amounts of information. On occasion, I come across content that doesn't resemble poo.

But that is not the point... as I do this, I set Windows Media Player to random. It's actually a great thing because I have something short of 4,000 music files on my computer, and only a 1GB memory card for my MP3 player... so, it's quite logical to say I don't hear most of this music often. So, I'm reminded of oldies... not really old music, but music that doesn't fit into my workouts, so it's not on my player. I came across this song...

I remember how I cried to it when hubby first left for Iraq. Her different style and voice are both interesting and different... refreshing even. I don't like her "Pretty Enough", but there are many of her songs I enjoy...

Without further delay... I wait to sleep.

A Million Tears- Kasey Chambers

take my hand
break my stride
make me smile
for every time I've cried

hold my heart
in the palm of your hand
don't listen to it breakin'
just listen to the band

do you wanna ride in my car
it's parked out on the street
or just stay with me a while
before I fall asleep

take these tears
wash your skin
I'm havin' trouble breathin'
since you walked in

my hands are tied
my head is reelin'
my eyes have cried
a million tears
from wishin' you were here

all my life
I've welcomed pain
I've made up more excuses
to bring it back again

now I'm here
and I'll drink to the shame
I'll drink to the madness
that made me this way

my hands are tied
my head is reelin'
my eyes have cried
a million tears
from wishin' you were here

take these tears
wash your skin
I'm havin' trouble breathin'
since you walked in...

"We preserve democracy; we don't practice it."

I just caught a welcome home ceremony on TV from Fort Carson. It's nice to see what I'm in for, and also, it's a sad wake up call. All the news can talk about is how 4ID Soldier's have been told to be ready to return to Iraq next Fall. I've tried so hard not to focus on this fact...

The Army... We are not part of regular society... we can vote... but have little say in what happens with our life. I'm so scared, and a bit excited, to see what changes will be made in the Secretary of Defense sector, as well as Congress.

Will they be beneficial? Or, detrimental. I don't know. We'll see...we will see. At the end of the broadcast, the reporter quotes an old saying, "We preserve democracy; we don't practice it."

Sad, but true.

I just want him home.

11million bottles of ACETAMINOPHEN recalled

A recall of a common pain reliver, acetaminophen, has been enacted by the distributors Perrigo. I have a bottle of "Equate, pain reliever", from them... Although my bottle is not listed under the batch numbers being recalled, Walmart is listed as one of the distributors affected. You might want to check out this story.

http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/D/DRUG_WARNING?SITE=7219&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT&CTIME=2006-11-09-09-21-14

November? Seriously?

I can't believe this is near its end.

I've told myself, "You will not cry."

This is like telling your kid not to ask for toys when you go to Walmart... or getting through an entire talk show without a crack made at the President, or a rambling about how Brit and K Fed's split was so "unexpected".

Who am I kidding? I cry during Summer's Eve commercials when (fake) mother and daughter have a heart-warming discussion about their "freshness". I cried when Bobby on The Biggest Loser reunited with his family tonight!

The flood waters are coming... I just hope they don't last too long... I just hope Matt will get to the front of the line, rather than the back like last time... I just hope "reintegration" is as easy as can be... I just hope he doesn't have to go again... I just hope he gets home okay... I guess... I can only "just hope" for one thing.

I'm fucked...

haha... really fucked. Oh justice... how sweet you feel.

Nighty night.

TV sucks on Tuesdays

Tagging Trish, and fancythis. That's all... I don't have many friends. :(

1. Things that scare me: I'm frightened of this so immensely, I can't type them.

2. People who make me laugh: Matthew :)

3.Things I hate the most: I hate that I love peanut butter so unnaturally.

4. Things I don't understand: how people can complain about one thing, and then turn around and do that very same thing???

5.Things I'm doing right now: blogging... duh. That's it... I just got through working on Matt's Welcome Home banner.

6.Things I want to do before I die: I'd like to meet my gret grandkids... have a honeymoon. The later is less likely.

7.Things I can do: I can read.... oh oh oh AND write. I'm so cool.

8. Ways to describe my personality: Ummm.... I don't know... I guess most people find me charming, but when I'm alone in the dark, it overcomes me sometimes.

9. Things I can't do: I can't not care.

10.Things I think you should listen to: Rogue Wave... they are pretty good. And, your mom when she says, "One day, you'll miss me." It's true.

11. Things you should never listen to: ME. :) But, you should read me. :)

12.Things I'd like to learn: I'd like to learn how to use my darn sewing machine.

13.Favorite Foods: Peanut butter. Were you not paying attention?

14.Beverages I drink regularly: water, coffee, chi tea.

14a. Beverages I'm trying not to drink regularly: well, I stopped drinking soda a long time ago. I had to try to do that.

15. Shows I watched as a kid: X-Men, Spiderman, Punky Bruster, Gargoyles, others.

16. Persons I am tagging: Trish, fancythis

short and sweet

Those of you that know me, know I have a huge obsession with everything SUPERMAN... or SUPERGIRL (I prefer "woman", but whatever). Supergirl underwear (let me check... yup, wearing some now), Supergirl PJ shorts, Superman tees, refrigerator magnets, notepads (thanks Trish), air freshers in the shape of the Superman and Supergirl emblem... the house of El... okkkkaaayyy... Anyway, the point is, I love Superman. Smallville.... greatest! I love Tom Welling... oh man. But, I have a serious crush on Michael Rosenbaum, Mr. Lex Luthor himself. So, most would see this, and think maybe it's an isolated incident. Maybe she's not a science fiction fan... just a fluke!? Nope... Chronicles of Narnia... what great books (and movie... even though they started on the SECOND book). I love vampire movies, the X-men, Batman, and the like. Anyway, what's my point? Well, I've discovered (well, I didn't discover it), a new show called Heroes. It's sooooo good. If you haven't seen it, and even if this sort of super hero theme isn't your bag, you should watch it. It's so good. Now, in my search for a Heroes site, I came across a MySpace fansite for the show, and thus discovered Rogue Wave. The song below is on my MySpace site. (note: the name of my MySpace is "supermcgraws"... okay?) Below are the lyrics to said song, called "Eyes". Short and sweet. Check them out; they have some other great songs on their page.


Rogue Wave- Eyes

missed the last train
home birds pass by
to tell me that im not alone
well im pushing myself
to finish this part
i can handle a lot
but one thing i'm missing
is in your eyes

(chorus)
in your eyes
in your eyes
in your eyes

have you seen this film
it reminds me of walking
down the avenue
well im washing my hands
of attachments,
yeah i will land on the ground
but one thing i’m missing
is in your eyes

(chorus)

PS My husband also shares this obsession over Superman with me... which is why we were made for one another... See picture. :) That artist drew our bodies so realistically................

Google, are you trying to tell me something?

Google directed someone to my page that searched (when they were obviously upset):

shitty friends

Google, have I pissed you off? Or, is God trying to tell me something, and using you as an avenue?

Pardon Me

Well, surprisingly, the last week has flown by quickly. I can only hope the week to follow... will run past with the same intensity. I've been busy. Busy trying to finish all the projects I started last year. They are as follows:

1- A massive scrapbook chronicling the year Matt has been away... vacations, birthdays, holidays, and sadly, one death. It's called, "While You Were Away". I can't take credit for the title. It was Jayel, my sister's, idea. It's seriously large. I only have a few pages to finish. I still need those Halloween pictures from Jayel of her boys, Aidan and Bobby. Then, I just have the homecoming pictures to include. He doesn't know about it yet, and I hope he likes it.

2- Another scrapbook that covers those 15 magical days in July and August while Matt was home on R&R. Here is the last page:

What do you think? it's actually my favorite part of the projects because it didn't take very long, and it's all pictures of me, Matthew, and family. We had a ton of fun those 15 days.

3- A book that contains every email (minus the angry ones) Matt wrote me the last year. That one is sort of vanilla, but it's cool too. I'll have to print out every email I wrote him (minus the duplicates), and make a book... but, that is another huge project. He has saved them all, but that is going to take some time. He also has all the cards I've sent him... and others have sent... oh wow, now I'm just piling work on.

4- A welcome home banner. I have a sheet washed, and just waiting to be painted. That is this weeks task.

I still have to make sure the house and car are clean, the yard looks good, give Zora a bath, plan meals, grocery shop, and make arrangements to sleep on my side of the bed again. Oh bother! I better get back to work, eh?

Have a lovely Tuesday!

I love my SIGO

...that is all...

my eyes are bleeding

Red, hot, fierce tears.

and another one

Since insomnia is the name of the game... and being that I've had a VERY emotional day, I need a moment. A moment to pause, to reflect... to remember.

Yes, I await the way those blue eyes look grey when he's in uniform. I hold my breath until I see his grey patch of hair step off the bus, and into the gym. I can spot him from a mile away. I can smell him.

perception can become reality

Why can't I verbally express that which is contained in my head? Why are my fingers so much more eloquent? Why must I strike these keys with such consistent effficiency? It seems, a curse. The trembling in my voice does nothing to quell the aching desire to exclaim what I feel. Nothing. I can't hide a thing in my eyes, but my quaking nature confuses you. I confuse me... I confuse all. I'm so easily susceptible to apologies. I'm sucked in with one break in speech, with one pause for concern, or sincerity. I'm so thrown... I'm so eager.

I'm so completely... confused. I'm exhausted. I'm torn. I will forever be learning, and being taught lessons. Life leaves nothing out, eventually. I will never stop changing the way I adapt, and grow. How could I? Impossible.

Don't shut me out... Lord, please, don't let me be shut out.

Nada Surf- Inside of Love
Watching terrible TV
It kills all thought
Getting spacier than
An astronaut

Making out with people
I hardly know or like
I can't believe what i do
Late at night

I wanna know what it's like
On the inside of love
I'm standing at the gates
I see the beauty above

Only when we get to see
The aerial view
Will the patterns show
We'll know what to do

I know the last page so well
I can't see the first
So i just don't start
It's getting worse

I wanna know what it's like
On the inside of love
I'm standing at the gates
I see the beauty above

I can't find my way in
I try again and again

I'm on the outside of love
Always under or above
Can't find my way in
I try again and again

I'm on the outside of love
Always under or above
Must be a different view
To be a me with a you

I wanna know what it's like
On the inside of love
I'm standing at the gates
I see the beauty above

Of course I'll be alright
I just had a bad night

I hate coming up with titles

Soooo... not long now. Only about 15 days... sweet, sweet order.

Anyway, went out last night with Trish and friends. It was costume night at the local Grams in Austin. Batman hit on me... he didn't pull off the tights very well. I told him there was a height requirement for this ride. Ha... I love that one. I can't even count how many times "some guy" said, "Wow, you're tall." or "I love a tall woman." I have various responses to this line. Such as: "Um, really? I hadn't noticed (walks away)." "And, you're short, please go away." or, my personal favorite: "It's an optical illusion."

Well, I've decided that going out on time change night is not a good plan. That extra hour of drinking.... not fun, and just a bad idea all around. It increases the intensity of the phenomenon known as "the hangover."

Pumpkin fun

I carved some pumpkins last night... but, this one takes the cake. I didn't carve... I only wish I had.

I've been tagged!!

So... Ms. Trisha tagged me... so here goes... a bunch of stuff you don't want to know, really.

1. Explain what ended your last relationship? bad timing... oh, and me being a crazy-in-love woman

2. When was the last time you shaved? a few days ago... before that... I can't even remember

3. What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.? sleeping

4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago? messing with my new sewing machine.. I'm so domestic

5. Are you any good at math? why yes, I am.

6. Your prom night? I went with a guy that spent lots of money on me, and I didn't even kiss him... then, I went and hung out with my "friend" later. We slept in his car in front of my house. I still had that rose perfectly placed in my hair when I woke.

7. Do you have any famous ancestors? People aske me everyday if I'm related to Tim McGraw... no.. okay... NO! Other than that, I have no idea.

8. Have you had to take a loan out for school? hasn't everyone?

9. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace profile? Yes... It's Ache, by James Carrington. Thanks to Jeremy, I already have the lyrics, and didn't have to go searching for it after watching Smallville.

10. Last thing received in the mail? Junk, like everyday.

11. How many different beverages have you had today? Just coffee, and water.

12. Do you ever leave messages on people’s answering machine? Always, and I hate then they call back without checking.

13. Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to? I saw Easy E in concert when I was 13.

14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach? Doesn't everyone?

15. What’s the most painful dental procedure you’ve had? A root canal one day, and worse, another the next day on the tooth above the other.

16. What is out your back door? A barking dog, and bunch of her poo. I gotta clean that crap... ha ha crap.

17. Any plans for Friday night? cleaning up Zora's poo, apparently.

18. Do you like what the ocean does to your hair? I like what the ocean breeze does to my hair... but I hate when my hair is all salty. It's long... and two feet of hair with salt water... ICK.

19. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different popcorns? Ha, my Grams used to have them at Christmas time.

20. Have you ever been to a planetarium? Yes... in fact.. it's a great date night thing. I'm taking Matt there when he gets back.

21. Do you re-use towels after you shower? I reuse the previous days towel for my hair.

22. Some things you are excited about? I don't even think I need to answer that.

23. What is your favorite flavor of JELLO? I don't know... strawberry is always good bet with me.

24. Describe your keychain(s)? A dog tag with this symbol on it. It's Matt's unit crest.

25. Where do you keep your change? In a change purse, and in the strawberry cow in my kitchen.

26. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people? The last time was a poetry reading in El Paso, I'm sure.... oh wait... I gave a presentation on how horrible smoking can be to your health in May.

27. What kind of winter coat do you own? One long wool coat, and a wool pea coat.

28. What was the weather like on your graduation day? HOT.

29. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed? Closed... can't have Zora walking around on the wood floors... drives me crazy.

Okay, done.

BOO!

Another strange way to find my page...

Go to Aol.com and search:

halloween foreshadowing read aloud

... I wonder what this person was really trying to find...

Weird.

I'm not real... I'm unreal.

I don't know what to blog about. I'm coming up empty... that's never fun. I have several of the same-ol' same-ol' topics on my brain, but they just won't do. No, I need something fresh... something new. I need to wash my hands of the ugliness following me. I need to apply moisturizer. I need rub them dry, and place my rings on their respective fingers, and smell the freshness of the lotion... instead of the pungent old greasiness clinging beneath my nails.

I could blog about all the rain today... steady, smelly... BORING.

I could say how Mary left... that's just the same-ol' sad. Maybe some other time.

I could say how three weeks might as well be three months... he's still not here... but, see above.

I could say that I fear the disruption of quiet I have endured. I do not anticipate it's fleeting nature. The chattering of pictures that hang on the walls is familiar, and comforting. The jet powered hum of the AC as it stops and starts lets me know I'm home. I couldn't imagine being away from home for a month... a year? Oh never. I leave for a week, and I get crabby. I love home. I love home especially when home is home.

Home will be home... soon. OH there I go again... the same-ol' sad.

I'm just waiting.

death and the upcoming

So many things seem difficult... mundane activities... everyday activities. Then, an activity comes around, that may only happen once a year, once every three years, or something that comes sporadically, and pray will ne'er return. I rightfully claim to be emotionally drained. This time of year used to be my favorite. The leaves should be changing; the weather is cooling; my birthday; Halloween; Thanksgiving... so many great events. The leaves aren't changing, the weather is barely cooling, my birthday sucked ass, and who knows how the others will turn out. My husband is on his way home so soon... but, there is so much sadness around me right now making it impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

This weekend I attend the wake and funeral of one Magdalen Gosch, wonderful Grandmother, snappy card player, and one sassy woman. She went peacefully, for which we are all thankful, but these times can't help but be sad. I can't even imagine what my mother-in-law, and her siblings are going through. To lose ones mother... I can't even contemplate without my eyes bubbling and burning with salty tears. I can't imagine this world without my mother.

I sit here, crying through the words. I have to cry now... I can't break down there. I must be the rock, the hard place for which to lean. I need my rest for I will be in Minnesota by tomorrow night.

Also, this evening I bid a misty farewell to a friend that I haven't known long, but will miss and think of often. I am sad I won't be here to help, but I am needed much more elsewhere. I will see you both in a year, and you better call me so that we may ALL get together. It would be so grand to be a party of four... rather than the usual three... or two soon. You will be fine M... don't worry too much (that is a large feat if you manage not to worry a ton), he will be home soon. And B, take care, and thanks for doing what others will not.

Surveys seem so simple, and require so little...
1. One book that's changed your life.
Any VC Andrews novel ever...

2. One book that you have read more than once.
The Chronicles of Narnia

3. One book that you would want on a deserted island?
The ultimate Map Book or something... so I can plot my way home.

4. One book that made you cry.
Home Fires Burning--- Pain staking, Army Wife stories

5. One book that made you laugh.
Eragon

6. One book you wish had been written
I don't understand the question?

7. One book you wish had never been written
Mein Kampf Hitler--- Good one T

8. One book you are currently reading
Eragon

9. One book you’ve been meaning to read.
Mr. Murder- Dean Koontz--- Matt's reading it in Iraq

10. One book you're proud you own
ummmmm... the Dictionay

11. One book from which you must read aloud.
Persuassion- Jane Austen... that was a tough read

whaaaa?

Another interesting "Google"...

Search: always unsupportive wife

And, apparently, you find my blog.

Weird.

your lessons for today

You can only blame your Present and Future on your Past for so long; Sooner or later you must learn from your history... so that you may credit your Future to your Past. I do not feel for you if you let someone hurt you, twice. I have no pity for repeat offenders. I find no solace in their self-destructive nature, and the tears it brings to many.

If you don't want honesty from me, I am not the friend for you. You and I will not get along. If you want to wear a short shirt out on the town, and you ask me, "Does this make me look like a slut?" I'm not going to lie to you; I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear. I'm going to give you the Truth; the ugly, painful, and releasing Truth.

If it makes you feel better to throw my own misery in my face, find a sympathetic ear for your troubles elsewhere.

Everything is relative. Three weeks away from your loved one may feel like an eternity... and to us it is a mere hour... Texans think 60 degrees is cold; Minnesotan (ians? oans?) wear shorts. A flu shot is nothing; I have bruises I can't remember bumping; Cuts that bleed, and I feel nothing... but when a friend smites you... it writhes more than a thousand bee stings, and the scars last for a life time.

still uphill

Every day is the same. Yet, every day I feel different. I feel as though this year passed has aged me double. Lessons I shouldn't have had to learn for years to come have made their presence known. Lessons on love, marriage, life, friendship, and common sense rear their maturity. I feel like a teddy bear must after hours in the rain. He's picked up by one leg, the soft water is squeezed from the inside... leaving him lighter, thinner, worn, and dry; Holes tatter his seems, and his button eyes are scratched or even missing. His faithful possessor still clings to him with love despite his wear and tear. The later part of this Teddy's story has yet to reveal it's ending. I'm unsure how my 25th year will close... it does tonight, and I will officially be in my late-twenties... I do harbor some hesitation to admit I am 26... not until 8:32am thank you very much... but, I have many things for which to be thankful. I am. I am grateful.

And, as always, I am missing a certain someone you all know as Matty.

His proximity suffocates me... His distance closes soon.

Hot RED Shoes

My previous post was all piss and vinegar... here's a hot one. Check out my new b-day shoes. I'm so psyched. I wonder how bad my feet will hurt? Who cares! I'll be taller than all the boys! Friday the 13th here I come...

shitty friends

There are many times when I have the most overwhemling desire to scream... but I don't. I remain silent; I only scream inside. When inside I blare, and my outside I just breathe... it's still obvious. My eyes can't hide shit, my voice always gives me away; So, I have no secrets. I am an open fucking book. Chapter by chapter one can flip through my inner workings, divulging my darkest thoughts to anyone who might ask, and solve the puzzle... revealing me.

Most pretend not to know. They don't ask, but I can see it (or hear it)... they wonder, but don't ask. Something is bothering me, but it's ignored. Avoidence is so easy... too easy. Only a real friend would ask.

There are people who are just starting the journey I started not too long ago... I am still here, still enduring... but, it seems to be forgotten. I seem to have been forgotten. Even though I know the feeling... of waiting... and now they know... but still I'm forgotten. I know this... I know I cannot rely on anyone, but myself. I am my own keeper. It is my responsiblity to "look after" me.

I'll still be here, enduring, and enduring... and fucking dealing like usual.

F-ing shitty friends.

Flown by Sheridan

It feels good to feel so good
It's like I've been misunderstood
And I've tried to hold on to you
But there's nothing else to hold on to
If you open your eyes only once
You would have known

This bird has flown
Long ago
I'm already gone

Took a long time to finally see
Now I'm stronger than I used to be
And we don't need to say goodbye
Cause we've done that so many times
And it never occured to you once
You're all alone

This bird has flown
Long ago
I'm already gone

And I've tried so many times to talk to you
But there's just so many things
You can put me through
If you'd open your eyes you would know
You're all alone

This bird has flown
Long ago
I'm already gone

Already gone...
Already gone...

Cast Away

Since I am an extremely happening gal, I was livin' it up on my couch last night with the longest movie of all time, Cast Away. It's on TNT three nights in a row. I guess TNT doesn't realize I'm going to be on my couch for those three nights... in a row... and could use a little something else. Anyway, not the point.

Cast Away... what a grand movie. I saw it, of course, years ago when it came out, but now it's entire theme has different implications. Chuck Noland, Tom Hanks' character, tells his best girl, Kelly (played by Helen Hunt), "I'll be right back." Not only that, he gives her a ring... well, we never really find out what is in that box, but one can only assume it is a ring... and that she'd have said, "Yes," if asked the "Big Question." Foreshadowing at its best.

Matt said that to me... in so many words, "It's only a year, and then I'll be back." The year does come upon me shortly, but we are not out of the woods just yet, and I cannot help but apply the scenario.

Anyway, so Chuck stayed alive. He survived countless injuries, thoughts of suicide, insanity (no doubt), solitude, a sore tooth, and surely less than perfect hygiene. He stayed alive to get back to his girl, Kelly. She kept him alive. This mimics the way many Soldiers get married just before leaving for War. So that someone is waiting. I don't know how single Soldiers do it, and this is all part of the reason there is much pressure for officers to get married. So, they have someone at home, and the job isn't everything, among other reasons.

Many Soldiers endure the previously listed hardships... also. But not for 4 years, and the solitude isn't as severe.

Anyway... Chuck returns from 4 years on a deserted island, looking great (especially considering), and Kelly has appeared to have moved on. She's married, has a daughter, and even cut her hair. But, she still loves him... desperately.

Since I am a romantic (or maybe just self-proclaimed tragedy addict), I can apply almost any love story to my own... this one especially. So, naturally, I had horrible dreams last night... just horrible. I won't go into detail, since I don't remember all of it...

but, all I know is I could really use an email, or better yet, a phone call.

And so the waiting game continues.

misspelled, dirty words

Well, usually... people come across my page by searching for lyrics to a song, "how to make paper", or "deployment"... this is the strangest, and dirtiest, yet... at least I think it was intended to be dirty. I feel it interesting enough to blog about:

"FUKING HOLE"

Just like that... misspelled... capital letters. Someone from Mexico searched this... dirty.

ahhh good deeds

Well, I think I've managed a good deed or two this year... but, today, tops the list (as in the one that gives me the most satisfaction). I've just picked up 48 sets of sheets, pillow cases, comforters, towels, and wash cloths from the Rear D command post. Why, you ask? Well, for washing! And, later... when we actually determine where they will go... we will all get together and make beds for single Soldier's returning home from Iraq! It's exciting. Good thing I live on post, and don't pay for water! I imagine this takes a huge weight off Rear D and all the things those poor people have to deal with... And, the Soldier's that may return home to no one, will at least have a place to lay their head, and towels for washing. Yay me!

mis‧take

mis‧take: (mɪˈsteɪk)

-noun
1. an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc.
2. a misunderstanding or misconception.

I have made... mistakes. Many many mistakes. For example... smoking that firstcigarettee; 'why did I give that guy my number?'; ditching school; skipping the dentist; driving without my seat belt... luckily, my mistakes have been ones I can bounce back from. It's part of "life", right? Right. There are many that don't have this luxury... many of whom aren't as lucky as I seem to be. I'm also lucky to have a conscience. A moral, and ethical, awareness.

-verb (used with object)
3. to regard or identify wrongly as something or someone else: I mistook him for the mayor.
4. to understand, interpret, or evaluate wrongly; misunderstand; misinterpret.

I've confused certain people for something else... not much elaboration needed there, right? You all know. We've all thought someone to be something they are not... even though these people might force themselves to appear as such, it is still our mistake. If I misinterpret something a person has said... and I ask for no clarification... it is my mistake. If I read between the lines... it is my mistake. Just because I perceive something to be, it does not make it so.

-verb (used without object)
5. to be in error.

Wrong place, wrong time, but with a little more knowledge... sound familiar? Love confusion... and such. Or, for another example confusing balsamic vinegar with balsamic vinaigrette... fatal cooking error.

-Idiom
6. and no mistake, for certain; surely: He's an honorable person, and no mistake.

But, in all my falsehoods, follies, faults... or whichever word beginning with "f" you wish... MAKE NO MISTAKE, these are incidences from which I learn. Things I intend to avoid in the future. One should never assume I might place myself in positions where I might make the same mistakes. No, this is definitely not in my character. I may not know myself completely... do we ever? But, I know myself enough to understand consequences. When an action forces a certain feeling upon me, I NEVER wish for said feelings again. I'm not into self mutilation...

My point? Uh, good question... CLARIFICATION is endlessly valuable. And closure... is oh so necessary. And so, it is done.

quiz, for a change.

I got this quiz from sunny side of life...

Personality Test


Type A Casual Personality
This is a woman who has the same tendencies as her compulsive sister. She, however does not go to the extreme. While her environment is always neat and disorder distresses her, she does not obsess over it. She has managed to place relationships in their proper perspective, yet struggles keeping them there. In a nutshell, she is a more easy going or relaxed version of an A - Compulsive.

ummm... spot on.

I'm not a Soldier, but I've got soul

On a night, such as tonight, with clear skies, and mild temperatures, I'm indoors. I'm indoors enjoying the free electricity that pumps out freezing air in the form of air conditioning. Hey, why not... right. I'm enjoying free AC, jamming to my cell phone's MP3 player, and yelling at my dog every 5 minutes to quit eating herself out! It's a rough life, right..?

6 weeks... 6 fucking weeks. Man, why does it still feel so far away? My neighbor across the street says "goodbye" tomorrow night to her husband. It's so sad. I can feel the atmosphere... I can remember the atmosphere. I remember the fear... I can feel the uncertainty. Think you know uncertainty? Trying being one of the wives on this block... or in this life... then complain. You won't... not about your mundane "uncertainties"... no you wouldn't. I can smell the disbelief. "Is this really happening?" "Is this really my life?" It's so surreal. I know. I know. I creeps up on you, the "leaving". It creeps in like the tide... slow, yet aggressive. You ignore it for a time; life continues as though it were "normal". Then, like a wave destroys a sand castle, you've forgotten to breathe in all the love, it's gone. He leaves... and you're left with "everyday". . . every day with its lingering longing, forever draining on the senses. All you feel is empty. I know this.

I remember wishing, "Why can't it be next year?" And, shit, here it is "next year". This time last year my husband was on a 50 day rotation in Fort Irwin, and in a few months would be gone. Now, he will be home in less than 2 months... less than 2 months. It feels so close... as if my fingertips are touching a thread that hangs from his powder blue shirt. I can't cling to it, I can only feel as it tickles... and blows in the hot wind. I can feel the warmth of his smile in his eyes when we speak... he waits to touch my face... I long to snuggle, nose to nose.

Time passes so slowly... and yet, opportunity is lost with one breath.

Fret not... dear friends, your dues shall be paid, and love restored to its proper place. I know my life coming back full circle means yours is interrupted... Roles will reverse once again in a years time.

Good luck.

Misconception

If you feel like someone is pointing you out... calling for help... or angry with you for some reason... Fucking ask... don't just assume. It's irritating. Have a nice day.

I surprise myself with my versatile taste in music.

Miranda Lambert
"Love Is Looking For You"
Maybe you're just jaded from some nobody's unforgotten words
Maybe you're just faded, a little gray from every time that you've been hurt
So you're lookin for your skin that you never did fit in
You can't hide when you're turned inside out
Love is looking for you now
Maybe you been burnin' but you can't blow out a flame that you can't find
Maybe you've been thirsty but the rain just aint enough when you're this dry
So you're runnin' from the water and the fire's getting hotter
I think you better find some lever ground
Love is lookin' for you now
Love is lookin' for you now
Maybe you been wearing the shoes that someone else is wearing now
Maybe you've been swearing forever might have already run out
You can't love yourself at the expense of someone else
You can't hide a liar from the truth
Love is lookin' for you
Love is lookin' for you
I've been looking for you
Baby I've been lookin...
I've been looking for you

Vanessa's "READ ME" file.

I am an intellectual person... understanding, and compromising to near a fault. I may not watch the news often, but I realize there are greater concerns in the world aside from my own. I realize those close to me have their own obligations, priorities, and concerns. When Matt comes home, what I do to pass the lonely hours in the night, and his day to day activities don't really sit on the brains of many... I get that. I've also learned I can bring people down... I may wear a mask, but my eyes hide nothing. I hate that, but it's fact.

Now, we (humans) are notorious for saying things "people just say", such as... "call me if you need anything." I get that. I also get the need people feel to say that... because well, it's something "you just say". It's irritating when you know someone isn't genuine. Ninety-five percent of the time, they don't expect you to call. Few actually mean what they say. I'm guilty of this, I'm sure. I can't pin-point something, but I'm not arrogant enough to believe I'm exempt. The faulty wires in my system can only be reconnected by a professional... so, this is by no means an attack from a perfect human. Shit, I only use, like 8% of my brain power or something. It's just... well, you can call someone a "friend", and never talk to them. You can speak to you friends, and not really talk. You know many of them are out there, but you can't feel them. Some are self-involved... some are avoiders (guilty), some really do have to much on their minds, some just don't care...

I am so thankful for the few friends I do have... they keep me grounded. They've helped me through these last two months, which have been uphill. I feel the wind in my favor, now. I really do... before, I think I was faking. I really couldn't see that light near the end. It was all black. Now, though, I'm feeling much better.

So, back to my point... thanks to those of you who really mean what you say...

and to those of you who "just say things"...

I just fucking hate being ignored.

Life List

So, there are many things I want to accomplish before life (or gravity) kicks in. Many things are on my list, but (close to the top) is to compete in a triathlon. Something small to start off with... something like swim 800 meters, Bike 12.4 miles, Run 3.1 miles. I'm in a great place for the sport. Austin is quite the outdoors town. I just got through with a 4 mile run, and I'm getting on my bike for about 20 miles here in a minute. I'm just curious... anyone out there ever trained for a triathlon? I need a schedule. I want to be ready for one by February. I have plenty of time, but... the biggest goal I have is to keep up with Matthew. He's a great athlete. I've never been very sporty, but I have good body composition, I just have to fake the endurance part. I can build up, I'm sure... but I need a good plan. Nutrition being my field, I think I've got that covered... just the training..
Okay, so let's recap... I need help with training. Got that? Okay good.
Have a good day!

fascinating

Waiting is all I have,
Waiting...
Smiling though the chorus,
Sobbing the verses...
Hiding,
Anticipating,
Each word
Every letter
Making up memories...
All I am is pretending,
Pretending
Pretending
Faking the crowd
Showing my façade...
My façade
Is perfected
Flawless and deceiving...
Wanting is all I have
Wanting
All I am is Waiting...
I am fantastically well versed
with misconception.
Deception.
... don't... believe... a... word... I... write.

By any other name...

This would still be a night alone. No fancy metaphors, no confusing Army mumbo jumbo... by any other name... this Wednesday night, may as well be a Monday or Saturday. This night does not deserve it's own name. I still spill over these words... I still beat the keys of my keyboard with moderate efficiency and accuracy... mediocre. This night is mediocre. Melancholy... I still stare at his smile placed so sweetly and delicately on the top of my computer monitor. So fragile that the slightest bump of my rickety desk, and the frame fumbles to the floor... tumbling many times before making it's crash. Today is not different. I still pick it up, wipe it off, kiss his face, and place it back in the same dangerous yet provocative spot. I must be able to see his face in every room. Each day I walk through our house... my head looks left of the bed... I see his face. it the bathroom I brush my teeth, and look at his blue eyes staring back at me. In the kitchen I make the coffee... I open the freezer, slam the door shut, and his picture jiggles on the front. As I watch TV, and he watches with me. As I sit and type to you, dear blogger, he sits with me.
Each day I am faced with a reminder of what's "missing". Not happiness... not love... just the comfort of both. I have them, but they are out of reach. As if I've purchased a great new pair of shoes, but they are on lay-away for an uncertain length of time... but, when the shoes come on, the crooked smile is wiped from my face, and replaced with tears of joy and sore cheeks.

The Army Wife Prayer

Dear Lord,

Give me the greatness of heart to see the difference between duty and his love for me.

Give me understanding that I may know, when duty calls him he must go.

Give me a task to do each day, to fill the time when he's away.

And Lord, when he's in a foreign land, keep him safe in your loving hand.

And Lord, when duty is in the field, please protect him and be his shield.

And Lord, when deployment is so long, please stay with me and keep me strong. Amen.

-- Author:anonymous

I want a red blender?

Sacrifice comes from a Middle English word meaning "to make sacred". Traditionally, it has religious connotations. In Judaism, sacrifices typically consist of animals, grain or wine. They are thought to make one "closer to God." in Christianity, God became a man to become the sacrifice of the everlasting covenant, Jesus Christ. In some Christian religions, Mass is seen as a sacrifice (hence all the "morning" people in Catholic Mass, uh). Self-sacrifice... Martyrs. Sacrifice in Islam, a healthy animal is sacrificed in remembrance of a Prophet's own sacrifice, and to help the poor. The manner in which the animals are sacrificed is very specific, and must not be deviated from. Human sacrifice was practiced by many ancient cultures... and still could be hiding in the brush. The term sacrifice is also used metaphorically to describe selfless good deeds for others.

So, which category do I fall into? I've never been a religious person. I've been to Mass many times. I was married in a Catholic Church... born into a family of Jehovah Witnesses. I'm still unsure of all the practices I "witnessed". I am married to a man in the Army. The Military is widely praised for their duty, honor, and selfless acts for their country. Does an Army Wife meet such high expectation? I live, and will live, without my husband for 3 more months... this time. Next time, another year... next time, another year... maybe two, maybe six months... maybe no time at all. Do I "sacrifice"? Do I serve a greater good? That is certainly up for debate.

I am not worth glorification.


"Sacrifice" is a term used lightly... casually... random and mostly undeserved. I cannot assume to have a greater purpose than any other individual in this world... this sweet world, often taken for granted, and at face-value... look deeper... beyond the high rises, smog filled sky lines, gas-guzzling SUV's, plastic bodies, weight obsessed teenagers, selfish human beings, and material worth... look past it all and you will see what's been missed with each ellipses.

and, as always, something isn't found

I am lost in the spaces... inbetween the lines is where I find myself... confused with my own grammer... comforted by my lack of punctuation... drifting in and out of reality... ignoring the white walls around me... focusing on maintaining sanity... ellipses... are... fun... can you see what is... missing?

Sometimes

Sometimes I mask my own feelings so well, I can't remember what they are anymore. Who knows what I think... certainly not I.
Sometimes, being political correct, hides what you really need.
Sometimes, supporting someone else, means delaying, or giving up, your own desires. My hopes are on pause. My life is put off... again.
Who could say "no"? Who would say "no"? An unsupportive wife... that is not a label I want.
Always, no one knows what it's like for you. No matter your situation, no matter your actions, feelings, or responses, no one knows what it's like for you when you are alone; no one knows what you do. When you are alone, only you understand you. Only you know yourself.
He'll never know what it's like to be the one at home, and I'll never know what it's like to be the one away from home. We know our own titles well.

"But I'm am le tired..."

This is a repeat from me... but more people read my blog than before, and I felt it worthy of repeating. I can't get this to post on my blog, but go to this link and watch the video.

http://ebaumsworld.com/2006/06/endofworld.html

Dog doors, huges bitches, and the lovely Lola and Holly

I had a pretty good weekend. I hung out with my sister, Alena, on Friday night. That was cool. I hadn't seen her in months. It was just a shame that Jayel wasn't there... it was her b-day... and her anniversary, and she was stuck in El Paso. :( Anyway, it was really nice to get to talk to Alena. She seems to have had some life changes that I'm sorry I missed. I'm sorry I wasn't there to talk to her, and help her through things. I was being an asshole. We both avoided talking, but that's done now, thank god. She seems happy, and that makes me happy.

So, I need to elaborate on a previous post... The thing I hate most about the human race you ask? Most of us are unreliable. I'm certain that I'm guilty of this also, but I think I show when it counts most. Who knows, I could be wrong. An outside observer is always best in these situations; they seem to see you better than you see yourself. Anyway, Yvonne just moved into a new house about a month or so ago, and her dogs (big dogs) just moved in last week. She's been having to scrap working out on her lunch break to let them out to pee... well, we just had to do something about that, eh? She was supposed to have a "guy" friend help her put in a dog door. Well, he didn't show, nor did he call to say he wasn't going to show. So... being the empowered chics we are, we decided to do this ourselves. We had a door, and a dog door... we just needed tools. Here's where Alena comes back into the picture... I called her and said, "have you got a jig saw, and a drill?" Of course she did. She's Alena. So, we borrowed some tools (from a chic, by the way), and we put that fucking door in ourselves! We didn't need no stinking MAN! HA! We had a very empowered weekend.

So, on Saturday we went downtown... I know that, next to Yvonne and Sandra, I'm pretty tall looking. I mean on my own, I'm tall, but next to them, I'm GIGANTOR! So, at one point, walking through the warehouse district, we heard someone say, "That's a big bitch!" Ha... it was funny.
One more thing, Lola and Holly... lovely ladies. We were "with" them this weekend. Those chics were hot!

Please re-post on your own blog.

I received the below information from the Rear Detachment Command of Matt's unit, so I feel it is reliable. I searched for my mother, sisters, friends, Matthew, and myself... all of us turned up. I've sent in an email to the listed address below. I'm not sure it will help, but it's the least I can do.
Pass on please, and I hope your day went well.

FW: Database avalible for free!

Here's something that should scare you! Heads up.

Beginning this month (JULY '06) a new database will be available to the general public free of charge that displays your personal information (names, addresses, phone numbers, birth dates). (Soc. Sec. is available for a price.) The database is found at http://www.zabasearch.com/

Type in your name and check ... you'll be SHOCKED as I was!
I urge you to forward this email to family and friends. Check to see if your name and information is in their database. If so and you want it removed, send them an e-mail at info@zabasearch.com to request it be removed. I do not know how our names are appearing there, but I checked my own and a few other random ones and they are all in this database!


After opting out by email, check back after a few days to make certain your information has been removed. If it has not been removed then file a complaint with your State's Attorney General.

John Wright

ROAR mutha fuckas!

So, women go to restrooms in pairs... we do this for many reasons. One reason is to hold our girl's hair back in case she must vomit. Well, we also hold one another's hair back when we use power tools!! Today, Yvonne and I, put in a dog door in her back room. That's right, bitches! We borrowed my SISTER'S power tools... mapped out a path, drilled some holes, used a jig saw to cut a hole in the door, and screwed that bitch in... no men necessary.

ROAR!!!!

banishment

Well, well, well... here I find myself, once again. The lights are dim, the monitor casts a glow on my face, my dog paces on the hard wood floors, my AC blows out freezing FREE air, and my fingers drum away on the keyboard in search of answers to questions of answers. Yes, yes... This is a frequent occurance. Not a lot changes. No, much is the same. It's still around 10 pm, Zora still has anxiety, and my fat cat gorges herself on the "indoor, weight/furball control cat food". I'm still not privy to "world" issues. You see Army Wives (I should write "spouses", but let's be honest, wives make up about 98% of "spouses") don't watch the news... well, not during a deployment, and not when they don't have freaking cable. I almost miss network news. Seriously, the biggest story that is local is some water main fight a guy is having in Harker Heights. I'm sure it's a big problem for him, but I just don't freaking care enough to hear about it at 6 and 10 each night.

Anyway, off subject... banishment. Ever felt so "out-of-the-loop" at one point, that you don't even try to get back into the loop? I mean really, it's easier to remain ignorant. Avoidance is a blessing, at times. Sure, it might blow up in my face one day, but if "one day" isn't within a year or so, we'll be gone. This is, after all, the Army. People always talk about how they "just like to know things". I don't think I want to know what people don't like about me. I'm ignorant... and it's freaking blissful. My promised partner for life can deal with it, so can I. I just hate that I find out through grapevines what people really think. I can't talk though... I know I've spoken my share of "shit". It's only natural to have "shit" spoken about oneself. It's moronic to think it wouldn't happen... to think I'm immune or some shit.

I can be a bitch... it's only a matter of time people start calling me such.

How come... when you feel as though you may be out of the woods... something pulls your ass back? Why must a glass of wine (or three) have such an effect? I'm unsure. And, well, shit... I like being certain. I'm uncertain. Uncertainty sucks ass. Merlot on the other hand... well, it tastes fucking good, but causes some natural and unthinkable thoughts. What a combination!? I need a new theme song. I need something less self loathing, and something a bit more gratifying. How about some techno? No, that shit sucks... I can't pretend to like that crap. How about a little R&B or Rap.... no that shit is for the dance club when i'm sweaty, running off and outwitting morons. I need something... shit... I wish I knew what the fuck I needed. I miss my sisters.

My Fucking Hole

So... a hole. I've found, in recent weeks, I can dig a big ass hole. I can throw myself straight into this hole (I keep wanting to type "whole"... what am I, an idiot?), make a bed, and maybe work a bit of a pillow into the dirt that I affectionately call "my fucking hole". Ahh yes... My Fucking Hole... I must use the proper capitalization. My Hole deserves it. So... back to the point... if I ever get there... I sat in my hole, watching Without a Trace, eating Lean Cuisine and Peanut Butter on a spoon (I fell off the wagon), working out (only thing that kept me from sleeping all day), and feeling sorry for myself in between. But, I started weaving a rope. This rope would later help me escape my Hole, but it broke a few times first (it was made from my hair... it's not that strong.. and from the many words of encouragement I am afforded). So, after a few failures, one nasty bump on my ass, and premature balding on one side of my head, I made it out of said Hole. It still follows me around, though... This Fucking Hole probably follows behind many of you. So, I'm armed with a "sexy set of collar bones", and a good feeling I'll be seeing Matthew in about 3 months... give or take a week.
Anyway, it feels good... to be back to the numbness that is this life. Yes, the numbness is comfortable... lonely, yes, but familiar.

My Mama helps a ton... and I thank her a trillion tons. So, here's to my Mama... isn't she gorgeous?

Support: a one-way street?

Support: a one-way street? Current mood: silent
I want to blog. I need to blog... but a good blog escapes my mind.
Support... is hard to ask for... I refuse to beg.
Support is easy to accept.
Support shouldn't be so hard to offer.
It is easy to give... it is so fucking simple.
I'm missing things... numerous things. Aside from the obvious, I'm missing certain company I used to be afforded. It's just gone. I am at a loss at how to get it back... you see, I'm not sure how I lost it. It claims to still be there, but it's obviously different. It's forced... it's there out of obligation, not desire.
I miss it terribly.
I miss Matt, also. So bad my eyes burn, but do not tear, thinking of his hand. The tears well up, and recede. They wait for another day. Another day when I'm not so exhausted from other (more stressful and confusing) delimas. So emotionally drained I don't even want to cry.... for fear I might not stop.
Not having the answer.. fucking sucks.

Silence can be fucking deafening. It's worse when no one hears you screaming.

life's little quirks

I've fallen into a particularly disturbing pattern. A pattern of self-pity. I hate it. I really can't even describe it on paper... which is just as disturbing. I don't even want to; it would make it real. It would make this last week real... but this isn't real life. I don't live a "real person's" life. I live a life most don't know about... they hear about it, but don't talk about it. They make their "contributions"... little yellow magnets tacked on their cars... Red Fridays... "thank your husband for his service" comments. I'm still wondering if anyone thinks about those left behind, and their "service". I can see it... the look I get from people who live outside of this war. It's a look full of disbelief, and pity. They don't believe this is actually happening. I remember, I was one of those people. It wasn't "real", then. Now, it's just a nightmare. It's a nightmare that's got 4 months left... it's a nightmare where I can't freaking sleep if not just to dream. It's a fucking nightmare. I just want to dream for a while.

my review of Pirates, Dead Man's Chest, movie

I'll let this guy say it for me... speak Ninja! (it's long, but funny)
..>

too little too late

What's the appropriate wallowing time? one week? a few days? I hope I don't exceed some set standard. I feel like the "Wild Nights" marathon (on Discovery you freaks) was far too much wallowing yesterday. The 15 days before he got home... a freaking eternity... the 15 days he was home... never long enough... 15 days feels like a small appetizer when you're starving for a 15oz. Ribeye because you haven't eaten all day... or in 8 months. Although, it was grand... let it not be overshadowed by one wife's whining. It was grand. It was nice to jump right back into our "tease/love each other constantly" routine. I can't believe I've lived this long without him... I can't believe I must live longer, without him. I can't believe a lot of things. Most of all... I can't believe myself sometimes.
This is my life, and I live for this life (obviously). I wonder sometimes if he got out of the Army... how I wouldn't be an "Army Wife" anymore... a fact many t-shirts I have shout to any passer-by. What t-shirts am I going to get now?? Crap.
Deployment... so many stages of it. It's impossible to relate if you've never experienced it. Now, thinking about each moment without him, is too impossible... too impossible. Too surreal... Now, I know. Now, I know what every moment feels like when he is away. There are no "good" byes... it was a long, hard, "bad" bye... harder than the first. The reality was there, and now it is here, eating a hole in my stomach lining. It fucking hurts.

Pictures: www.dropshots.com/vmcgraw

Matt makes a b-line for his baby

Towards the end of the video, you see Matt head straight for me!
Video Hosting - Upload Video - Video Sharing

Rinse and Repeat

She insisted... she wants to look pretty for Daddy too!

sleep does not come easy

I squint my eyes when I hear someone say, "I'm a genuine person," or "I don't care what others think about me." I squint my eyes because I wonder... I wonder does saying this make it believable, in one's own mind? No matter how many times a statement is repeated, it does not make it fact. In my experience, people really do say things to hear themselves talk. Everyone cares what others think, even God. Maybe I (for example) don't care what Jane or Joe passing on the street thinks of my shirt, but I do care how my family views me; what my husband thinks about me; and what my friends think about me. If you are "genuine", the people around know it, and there is no need for it to be vocalized. A genuine person does not need that sort of validation; although, it may be nice. If you're a good person, when you go home at night, you know it.

One more thing... don't give advice if it's unsolicited... please... it's annoying. If I want to cry on your shoulder, that's all i want... is to cry. I don't want my "problems solved"... I just want to cry. Silence helps more than forced comfort or advice.

Anyway, back to attempting to sleep... it's impossible.

Joyous days are few, but they are these days.

Oh man... my mood today: OUTSTANDING! I woke up with a moan, and slowly threw myself out of bed... a few hours went by without word of Matthew's whereabouts. Then, phone rang... Illinois number... it's Matthew!!

me: Hi, Honey!
him: My baby!
me: Where are you?
him: Iraq.
me (sadly): oh... when are you leaving?
him: don't know.
me: really? crap, that sucks ass.
him: it would if I weren't in Kuwait! HAHA! Fool you!
me: That's not cool, honey! But, YAY!
him: I leave here tomorrow night. I should be at DFW Thursday 0955 (oh-nine hundred fifty-five).
me: sweet...

So, there was a lot of "inappropriate for this public blog" exchanges... but i'm so flippin' excited. I was really down the past week. Worried, anxious... freaked out... but now... I have a flight time. I have a terminal number; I have a gate number. I can meet him at the gate! I'm going to go up Wed night and stay at a hotel... I won't be able to stand it here. I can't do that drive that morning, and then back again the same day... I just can't wait. My legs are shaking.

Thanks to you guys that offer me so much encouragement. On the outside, it may appear as though I am strong all on my own, but I'd be nothing without all your kind words. I know I say I don't need it, and that this is my life, my choice... but I appreciate the shoulders that are offered. Thanks. Thanks a ton. :)

God's Country?

I got back from running, not too long ago, and I say to myself, "Self, check the weather; that was a hot run." So, I click on the trusty ol' weather.com favorite, and there you have it... it's 94 degrees out at 8:30pm... but no worries, it only feels like 114!!! WTF... Texas isn't God's country anymore; Satan lives here!

nail bitters anonymous

So, since I was a nine year old youngin' I've been a nail bitter. Not just "pull of the white part of my nail" sort of bitter, but "bite at my cuticles until they bleed" sort of bitter, a serial bitter, if you will. My good friend the Softball Slut challenged me to a contest about two months ago. She said, "Stop biting your nails, and every Sunday, if you haven't bitten your nails all week, you can get a manicure." Well, I haven't had one manicure, but I haven't bitten my nails since. And at T's request, here is the proof...

project- completion

So, I've finally finished my project... to give you a reminder of what the chairs looked like before,
and... here's what they look like now...
I'm pretty happy with it... they still have a weird shape to them, but I like the color now. Have a good Sunday.

That's mah quote bitch!

Fuck. My mood sucks. I can't get out of it. I need a laugh... sooooo... now begins... "That's mah quote bitch!"

Something you are notorious for saying.
I'll start...

"Tha fuggin' bitch..."

4 days and a wake-up...

Insomnia sucks. Insomnia especially sucks during a prolonged period of anticipation. Insomnia kills when you (for instance) don't really care for sleeping pills... especially when they don't quiet your mind anyhow. The waiting for sleep to come is a far greater annoyance. Always with the freakin' waiting. A story begins in my head... with me on a beach alone; a beautiful sunset accompanies me. This sunset becomes perfect when Matthew joins us. Pristine as they may seem, things can collapse and crumble with a shift in the Earth's crust. A tidal wave. Then, humanity rebuilds itself, and before I know it... it's 20 years later, I'm president, and I moonlight during the holidays as Santa.

Worse yet? Waiting... waiting... insomnia... waiting... then... delay...

4 days and a wake-up...

Stop kicking me

I walk into my closet... I let my elbows graze his clothes. Chills shoot through my arms, and head straight for the muscle in my chest. Its speed increases for a time, then slows to its normal erratic rhythm. As this day is full of his laundry, I realize I've missed the sweaty socks, stinking PTs, and cologne filled polo shirts. His clothes only smell of dust... 7 months of house dust. My excitement, now polished and fired up, causes a nervous tick in my feet. I pound them with impressive speed on our wood floors. I couldn't thread a needle, if asked. Caffeine is really unnecessary. My metabolism is increased each time I think of 8 days... tomorrow, 7 days.

It really is unreal how quickly time has passed. These 25 years and some odd months have gone quickly; why shouldn't this year? Yea... 7.5 months. One would think time might stop. Groundhog day, everyday... for both he and myself. When he goes back his battalion will already be planning their return to "the states" (seriously, what American calls I" 'the states"). Only 4.5 months left. Wow... think of the respect we shall both have for one another. It's already increased two-fold... even more so when this year of waiting is over.

I kick myself for my uncertainty. When I'm weak... when I weep. When sorrow over comes me, and I've fallen on my knees. I'm harder on myself than any other person could be...
Tonight my thoughts tonight are broken and disconnected. I'll stop here.

PS 'shroom... I'm gonna channel me some energy in about 8 days give or take an hour.

too much too late

I'm not sure how many times I'm expected to say... but this is my life. I've chosen this life. It is mine and I belong to my life, and my choices. I've never made excuses... okay, I shouldn't say never... but concerning this life, no excuses. Yes, I'm under pressure; yes, it is difficult; yes, I get down... but in no way do I use this as a reason to act like an asshole. I've never said, "you need to be nice to me because my husband is off fighting a war..." Never, have I brought my situation down on anyone but myself. Yet, some of those around me (and some that do not surround me as often as I'd like) seem to think I live in a glass house. Some seem to think I might break if one were to peer inside my windows. It's far easier to ignore me than ask of my well-being. So, the real truth is skirted around. One tip-toes so as not to disturb the delicate balance that are my emotions. Because, afterall, I am that fragile. I do understand, to some extent, the easy silence. I take advantage of this easy silence. I am not too busy to call someone... I just choose to not call. I know it's not in my best interest (in the long run), but in the short time it's less stressing to avoid condescending conversation, and listen to the opposite end of a telephone line, dead. The difference between myself and those I speak of? Well, I admit my unwillingness. Through my faults, I am stronger. In the end... I will know. I will know who was there, who wasn't there, and who is still there, and I will know who claimed to be, but wore a mask. I will know. There's no need for anyone to say the words. I know. Those I thought would be there... those I needed to be there, aren't. I find comfort in the oddest of places... in most unexpected places. I am thankful. Repeat after me... I am strong. I am strong. I am stronger. I am not perfect, but I am stronger.

You've only had barely enough, to hang on.

I'm a pissy bitch today. So far, I've cursed 4 people under my breath. I think this is getting to me... 12 days. SHIT! There are far too many hours in this day, and the next... and, I'm certain, the day after. Can I sleep through the next week, please. Thanks, God... you're a pal.

Let's discuss the nature of shitty friends... okay, this is how it goes...
Girl 1 meets Girl 2
Girls 1 & 2 become best friends
Girl 1 introduces Girl 2 to boy 0 (zero)
Girl falls for boy 0 (lowercase, by the way)
Girl 1 continues to try and be Girl 2's best friend
Friend status is reduced to "good".
Girl 2 claims to "be there for" Girl 1
Girl 1 has doubts
Girl 1 and boy 0 have a fight
Girl 2 chooses boy 0 over Girl 1 because of said fight
Girl 1 keeps her mouth shut about how she never sees Girl 2 anymore
The "good" in friends is removed and Girls 1 & 2 are merely "friends"
Girl 1 confronts Girl 2 about her continued patience with boy 0
Girl 2 gets angry
Girl 1 and Girl 2 exchange nasty emails for a few days
Girl 2 says a lot of mean things to Girl 1 about her husband's deployment
Girl 1 decides she has to let it go or fight forever
Girl 2 never apologizes
Girl 1 forgets about it
Girl 1 & 2 and Girl 3 make plans to hang out
Girl 2 ditches Girl 1 & 3 for boy 0
Girl 1 & 3 are furious
Weeks pass
Friend status is now at an "acquaintance" level.
Girl 2 asks Girl 1 to drive 70 miles to hang out with her and Girl 3
Girl 1 decides she only wants ot hang out with Girl 3
before Girl 1 has a chance to tell Girl 2, Girl 2 has already revoked her offer to hang out with boy 0
Girl 1 decides her and Girl 2 are no longer friends.

So, yea... that's pretty much how it happened. Stupid friends. Stupid boy 0! I hate him.
Anyway... back to my own reality... I have to shave my dog, for the second time this summer. It's so flipping hot. I'm going to go be pissy elsewhere.

"We own a Va JJ- we're entitled." -Eban!

I've been trying to keep myself busy as the nerves under my skin become tighter and tighter with excitement. I've taken up quite a few projects to pass the time: furniture refurbishing, scrapbooking, living room furniture rearranging, closet organizing, mowing the lawn twice a week (instead of once... it's really straight), dancing, drinking (not a healthy "project", by the way), running (a healthy project... in case you didn't know), and I have had an increased interest in music recently. I'm shaving my dog's hair tomorrow. Fun stuff. So, as if I needed extra incentive to look forward to whom I'm missing... I get a call from my sweet mother-in-law... she's booked a room for Matt and I in Ocean City, MD... two nights... on a beach... half naked... free. I can't believe it! It's all I can think about (and my R&R present that happens to be a digital camera)! Anyway... I see east sunrises, west sunsets, bikinis, picnics, and a ton of... well...

Ocean City, MD

Guest: "Hi, room service?"
Employee: "Yes, ma'am?"
Guest: "Would you mind sending up a good bottle of champagne, please?"
Employee: "Yes, ma'am, right away."
Guest: "Oh, and some strawberries too, please."
Employee: "No problem."
Guest: "And some whip cream."
Employee: "Yes, ma'am (chuckles)."
Guest: "In... ah... a can...?"
Employee: "I'll see if we have that variety."
Guest: "Thanks. Could you leave it outside the door? I don't want to get dressed."
Guest #2 (in the back ground): "Don't tell him that!"
Employee: "Not a problem, ma'am (more chuckling)."

So, one chair is complete. Which do you prefer? Top? Bottom? I'll let you decide... meanwhile, I'm starting on the other chair. Then, I'm going to the thrift store to see what other ugly furniture I can find! Bye!

I love this melting pot

This 4th of July I find myself more thankful I live in the United States of America than in previous years. Maybe it's because I am aware now of the many sacrifices made by people in our country (not just military), or because with age I've gained respect, appreciation, and knowledge. Mostly, I think, it's because my husband takes his job so seriously, and I'm very proud of him. I've never known a man (or woman) who respected his/her position in society more than Matthew. It's probably why, after our first date, I said to my mom, "I'm going to marry him." I must confess I also feel a sense of pride as I wait here at home for him. Each week I pack up a box full of junk and goodies to send off to him... letters twice a week, and a phone call three times a month. I feel my own independence more than ever. It's nice to know you can live without someone, but choose otherwise.
Have a great Independence Day.

INSIDE A SOLDIER

Inside a soldier
There's a soul that keeps living,
A bravery that never quits,
A madness that is never shown.

Inside a soldier,
There's something that never quits,
A country to risk,
And a hope it will end.

Inside a soldier,
There is something that makes it worth while,
Something that makes them able to do more than others,
Work harder than others,
A flame that shines just a little brighter,
A flame that never goes out.

Inside a soldier,
There is a thump,
That constantly beats,
And the sound it makes,
Isn't only a thump,
It means a life,
It means a hero.

Molly Knowles (age 11)

From Trisha's blog
Go to Wikipedia and look up your birthday (by putting my birth month and day in the Search box), then list the events and other things of note, specifically…List three events that happened on your birthday.List two important birthdays and one interesting death.One holiday or observance (if any). Mine is October 13.

Events
1. 1307 - Hundreds of Knights Templar in France are simultaneously arrested by agents of Phillip the Fair, to be later tortured into "admitting" heresy.
2. 1792 - In Washington, DC, the cornerstone of the United States Executive Mansion (known as the White House since 1818) is laid.
3. 1845 - A majority of voters in the Republic of Texas approve a proposed constitution, that if accepted by the U.S. Congress, will make Texas a U.S. state.

Births
1. 1862 - Mary Kingsley, English writer and explorer (d. 1900)
2. ME
3. 1969 - Nancy Kerrigan, American figure skater

Death
1. 54 - Claudius, Roman Emperor (b. 10 BC)

Holiday/Observance
1. RC Saints - translation (1163) of Saint Edward the Confessor; memorial of Saint Gerald of Aurillac

Don't say I'm not "handy"

The past few days have been dragging by slower than the line at "self" checkout at the grocery store... so to keep myself busy, I've started a new project. I've gotten surprisingly far in just a few days (thanks to Laura's power sander). My neighbors (Craig and Liz) gave me two chairs a few weeks ago (that I swore I was going to refinish), and now i'm getting to it... so, you can't say I'm not handy. To the left is the starting point... hideous! Now, midway through my project (below), the chair is looking increasingly more attractive with a darker finish, and new cushion (not pictured). One more coat, and the new cushion attached, it will be a brand new chair! Now, to start on the second one... finished pictures soon to come.

slender strings tie us together

"We are compelled to do what we have been forbidden."

Well, yes, of course... we always desire riches out of reach. For example, Matthew... sex... compassion... companionship... what's missing between ellipses... yes, of course... what is missing, is what we lack, is what we wait for... is what we want.

I've been going over and over Dashboard Confessional's new album "Dusk and Summer." I can't get it off my lips. Some lyrics are so simple, and so soft. "Stolen"... track 5... "You... have ... stolen... my ... heart..." Sang so sweetly, as it should be because it is a delicate matter...

I wonder... and I wander about the thinkings of my head. I wonder, did I give him a good enough goodbye? Could it ever be sufficient? Was my stone face just, agreeable? Or savory, as a star visible in daylight? Did he think about how he "held my eyes"? Did he recognize the message in them? This goodbye will be more extravagant. I will cry, because I know it will be real. Last time, I didn't buy it. I thought maybe he'd call later and say, "George changed his mind." But, he didn't, and Matthew was left with a colorless farewell. This time will be different. It will supersede all previous farewells. It will be remembered.

I will make our 15 days matter... I will hold him closer... I will push myself against him harder. I will, I will, I will tell him "I love you" as long as my mouth will make the words. Then, I will say it with my eyes. I will hold his hand. I will make a memory of every line in his eyes. I will. I will touch his face. I will cradle my face in his hands. I will stroke his hair. I will wear flats, and rest my head on his chest... I will make a memory of his heart beat. I will make a memory of his smell. I will wear his smell to bed.

We will be remembered.