No doubt a person living happy with only one heart lacks oxygen to the appropriate parts of the brain...

E.E. Cummings. I carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me
(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it
(anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
I fear no fate
(for you are my fate, my sweet)
i want no world
(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

********************************

Who ever said that their life was whole without two hearts? I'd like to meet them. I'd like to methodically break down their idea of happiness. I'd like to know step by step, aspect by aspect how they came to be happy. I would read a 500 page book on happiness minus one heart. I'd like to hear their heart beating alone. No doubt I'd find a murmur... a piece of longing. No doubt they'd end up in tears because there lies a flaw in their plan. Like seeing the sun rise and not caring to see it set... Unfinished.

Who ever said life continues with one heart?

this... really... this just in...

OH gees... been a while. I've neglected my blogging responsibilities. Not to mention many many others. But that's neither here nor there! Anyway, the best way to describe the last few months is to share with you the lessons I've learned...


Lesson 1.


No margaritas. Seriously, tequila... my crazy drink. I'm bound to do anything when drinking tequila. I mean it. Anything. Oh for an example... I'm just thinking on my feet here... an example, say moon border patrol.



Lesson 2.

Two dogs... better than one.



Lesson 3.


Heroes exist. They can be anyone. I used to think that a Soldier was the greatest hero, but that is a direct result of my lifestyle. I've been working for fire fighters for two months now. They sacrifice more than people realize. No wonder people always think they are the coolest... not to mention hottest. I love my job.

Lesson 4.

No amount of dancing is going to quench my desire. I'll never dance enough. I don't "get my fix"... no. I get a ton of dancing one night, and after a day or two or recovery from the blisters on my feet (from a pair of adorably hot shoes), the sore muscles in my legs, and extra sleep... I'm ready to do it all over again. I don't think that will ever go away. But, I'm not quiting. I quit smoking because I new my addiction to nicotine would never be satisfied by one, two, or even ten cigarettes. This is not the case with dancing. I'll continue to boogie my way to closing time, and look hot doing it. I hope the later is true for at least another 10 years.

Lesson 5.

Eban... my best friend. I always knew that she was my best friend. But... not only that... she understands me better than most. And, I think I return the favor. I get her. I can only hope the people she chooses to surround herself with (now that she's moved) grant her the same courtesy of complete understanding, non-judgement, and honesty as I feel I do. Nothing is more sad that a girl that leaves the house for a club wearing an awful outfit. You just know... her friends lied to her.

Lesson 6.

I have a serious shoe problem. Not like, I have every color of flip flops imaginable problem, but like I think about shoes a lot, and expensive shoes. Not cheap ones. I like expensive shoes... peep toe (oh my god), red, black, strapy, green (I need some green shoes), pink, high heal, flats, slides, mules... you name it... I like it. It's beginning to get so bad, I'm going to have to kick my husband out of the closet. He may have to move into the spare room closet.

Lesson 7.

Blogging becomes a ton harder when you work all the time. Sorry for all the blogs I neglected to read. When I have like a moment... I promise to catch up!!

Have a nice day!!!

perception can become reality

Why can't I verbally express that which is contained in my head? Why are my fingers so much more eloquent? Why must I strike these keys with such consistent effficiency? It seems, a curse. The trembling in my voice does nothing to quell the aching desire to exclaim what I feel. Nothing. I can't hide a thing in my eyes, but my quaking nature confuses you. I confuse me... I confuse all. I'm so easily susceptible to apologies. I'm sucked in with one break in speech, with one pause for concern, or sincerity. I'm so thrown... I'm so eager.

I'm so completely... confused. I'm exhausted. I'm torn. I will forever be learning, and being taught lessons. Life leaves nothing out, eventually. I will never stop changing the way I adapt, and grow. How could I? Impossible.

Don't shut me out... Lord, please, don't let me be shut out.

Nada Surf- Inside of Love
Watching terrible TV
It kills all thought
Getting spacier than
An astronaut

Making out with people
I hardly know or like
I can't believe what i do
Late at night

I wanna know what it's like
On the inside of love
I'm standing at the gates
I see the beauty above

Only when we get to see
The aerial view
Will the patterns show
We'll know what to do

I know the last page so well
I can't see the first
So i just don't start
It's getting worse

I wanna know what it's like
On the inside of love
I'm standing at the gates
I see the beauty above

I can't find my way in
I try again and again

I'm on the outside of love
Always under or above
Can't find my way in
I try again and again

I'm on the outside of love
Always under or above
Must be a different view
To be a me with a you

I wanna know what it's like
On the inside of love
I'm standing at the gates
I see the beauty above

Of course I'll be alright
I just had a bad night

your lessons for today

You can only blame your Present and Future on your Past for so long; Sooner or later you must learn from your history... so that you may credit your Future to your Past. I do not feel for you if you let someone hurt you, twice. I have no pity for repeat offenders. I find no solace in their self-destructive nature, and the tears it brings to many.

If you don't want honesty from me, I am not the friend for you. You and I will not get along. If you want to wear a short shirt out on the town, and you ask me, "Does this make me look like a slut?" I'm not going to lie to you; I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear. I'm going to give you the Truth; the ugly, painful, and releasing Truth.

If it makes you feel better to throw my own misery in my face, find a sympathetic ear for your troubles elsewhere.

Everything is relative. Three weeks away from your loved one may feel like an eternity... and to us it is a mere hour... Texans think 60 degrees is cold; Minnesotan (ians? oans?) wear shorts. A flu shot is nothing; I have bruises I can't remember bumping; Cuts that bleed, and I feel nothing... but when a friend smites you... it writhes more than a thousand bee stings, and the scars last for a life time.

still uphill

Every day is the same. Yet, every day I feel different. I feel as though this year passed has aged me double. Lessons I shouldn't have had to learn for years to come have made their presence known. Lessons on love, marriage, life, friendship, and common sense rear their maturity. I feel like a teddy bear must after hours in the rain. He's picked up by one leg, the soft water is squeezed from the inside... leaving him lighter, thinner, worn, and dry; Holes tatter his seems, and his button eyes are scratched or even missing. His faithful possessor still clings to him with love despite his wear and tear. The later part of this Teddy's story has yet to reveal it's ending. I'm unsure how my 25th year will close... it does tonight, and I will officially be in my late-twenties... I do harbor some hesitation to admit I am 26... not until 8:32am thank you very much... but, I have many things for which to be thankful. I am. I am grateful.

And, as always, I am missing a certain someone you all know as Matty.

His proximity suffocates me... His distance closes soon.

shitty friends

There are many times when I have the most overwhemling desire to scream... but I don't. I remain silent; I only scream inside. When inside I blare, and my outside I just breathe... it's still obvious. My eyes can't hide shit, my voice always gives me away; So, I have no secrets. I am an open fucking book. Chapter by chapter one can flip through my inner workings, divulging my darkest thoughts to anyone who might ask, and solve the puzzle... revealing me.

Most pretend not to know. They don't ask, but I can see it (or hear it)... they wonder, but don't ask. Something is bothering me, but it's ignored. Avoidence is so easy... too easy. Only a real friend would ask.

There are people who are just starting the journey I started not too long ago... I am still here, still enduring... but, it seems to be forgotten. I seem to have been forgotten. Even though I know the feeling... of waiting... and now they know... but still I'm forgotten. I know this... I know I cannot rely on anyone, but myself. I am my own keeper. It is my responsiblity to "look after" me.

I'll still be here, enduring, and enduring... and fucking dealing like usual.

F-ing shitty friends.

Flown by Sheridan

It feels good to feel so good
It's like I've been misunderstood
And I've tried to hold on to you
But there's nothing else to hold on to
If you open your eyes only once
You would have known

This bird has flown
Long ago
I'm already gone

Took a long time to finally see
Now I'm stronger than I used to be
And we don't need to say goodbye
Cause we've done that so many times
And it never occured to you once
You're all alone

This bird has flown
Long ago
I'm already gone

And I've tried so many times to talk to you
But there's just so many things
You can put me through
If you'd open your eyes you would know
You're all alone

This bird has flown
Long ago
I'm already gone

Already gone...
Already gone...

mis‧take

mis‧take: (mɪˈsteɪk)

-noun
1. an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc.
2. a misunderstanding or misconception.

I have made... mistakes. Many many mistakes. For example... smoking that firstcigarettee; 'why did I give that guy my number?'; ditching school; skipping the dentist; driving without my seat belt... luckily, my mistakes have been ones I can bounce back from. It's part of "life", right? Right. There are many that don't have this luxury... many of whom aren't as lucky as I seem to be. I'm also lucky to have a conscience. A moral, and ethical, awareness.

-verb (used with object)
3. to regard or identify wrongly as something or someone else: I mistook him for the mayor.
4. to understand, interpret, or evaluate wrongly; misunderstand; misinterpret.

I've confused certain people for something else... not much elaboration needed there, right? You all know. We've all thought someone to be something they are not... even though these people might force themselves to appear as such, it is still our mistake. If I misinterpret something a person has said... and I ask for no clarification... it is my mistake. If I read between the lines... it is my mistake. Just because I perceive something to be, it does not make it so.

-verb (used without object)
5. to be in error.

Wrong place, wrong time, but with a little more knowledge... sound familiar? Love confusion... and such. Or, for another example confusing balsamic vinegar with balsamic vinaigrette... fatal cooking error.

-Idiom
6. and no mistake, for certain; surely: He's an honorable person, and no mistake.

But, in all my falsehoods, follies, faults... or whichever word beginning with "f" you wish... MAKE NO MISTAKE, these are incidences from which I learn. Things I intend to avoid in the future. One should never assume I might place myself in positions where I might make the same mistakes. No, this is definitely not in my character. I may not know myself completely... do we ever? But, I know myself enough to understand consequences. When an action forces a certain feeling upon me, I NEVER wish for said feelings again. I'm not into self mutilation...

My point? Uh, good question... CLARIFICATION is endlessly valuable. And closure... is oh so necessary. And so, it is done.