my sheets lay empty... while I'm in them.

I've been contemplating my lack of appreciation lately. It seems, well, it's not that high, but I do take some things for granted. I have many things for which to be thankful. Friends; Family; a sweet dog who hangs on my every move... even if it means stepping on my heals; I have a roof over my head, food on my plate, and I could go on and on about the luxuries I enjoy, which many do not... but, the sweetest thing I enjoy... having someone to miss as desparetely as I do. Many would forget after 7.5 months of absence. Absence does make the heart grow fonder, but a prolonged period can make the heart forget... my heart only ponders. Not every person can say that they have missed someone as badly as I... I'm lucky. I'm lucky I have someone coming... I'm lucky I have someone loving... I'm just lucky.

Patty Griffin- Not Alone
She sees him laying in the bed alone tonight
The only thing a touching him is a crack of light
Pieces of her hair are wrapped around and 'round his fingers
And he reaches for her side, for any sign of her that lingers
And she says you are not alone
Laying in the light
Put out the fire in your head
And lay with me tonight
One of them bullets went straight for the jugular vein
There were people running , a flash of light
Then everything changed
Nothing really matters in the end you know
All the worrys sever
Don't be afraid for me my friend,
one day we all fall down forever
She says you are not alone
Laying in the light
Put out the fire in your head
And lay with me tonight
The wedding date was June just like any other bride
She loved him like no one before and it was good to be alive
But sometimes that can slip away as fast
As any fingers through your hands
So you let time forgive the past and go and make some other plans
You are not alone
Laying in the light
Put out the fire in your head
And lay with me tonight
You are not alone
Laying in the light
Put out the fire in your head
And lay with me tonight

dusk and summer

I bought Dashboard Confessional's new album, Dusk and Summer, today. I'm digging it so far... and, as I do with most albums, have already picked out a few favorite songs. These, of course, will change as I overplay the CD. Here are the lyrics to the title track, Dusk and Summer. "Simple yet refined." Have a great day.

Dashboard Confessional- Dusk and Summer
She smiled in a big way
The way a girl like that smiles
When the world is hers
And she held your eyes

Out in the breezeway
Down by the shore
In the lazy summer

And she pulled you in
And she bit your lip
And she made you hers

And she looked
Deep into you as you lay together
Quiet in the grasp
Of dusk and summer

But you've already lost
But you've already lost
But you've already lost

When you only had
Barely enough
To hang on

And she combed your hair
And she kissed your teeth
And she made you better
Than you'd been before

And she told you bad things
You wished you could change
In the lazy summer

And she told you laughing
Down to her core
So she would not cry
As she lay in your lap

And she said
Nobody here can live forever
Quiet in the grasp
Of dusk and summer

But you've already lost
But you've already lost
But you've already lost

When you only had
Barely enough
To hang on

And she said no one is alone
The way you are alone
And you held her looser
than you would have
If you ever could have known

Some things tie your life together
In slender threads of things to treasure
Days like that should last and last and last

But you've already lost
But you've already lost
But you've already lost

When you only had
Barely enough
Of her to hang on

I'm not all covered in sap

Today is a new day. Good thing too... For the few of you who read my blog (more would if I actually gave out the address) I'd like to show you I'm not all sour and sappy. I have fun... For instance, when you see a hot guy (press play)...

fuck your punctuation

"Maybe in 5 or 10, yours and mine will meet again; straighten this whole thing out... there's really no way to reach me; cause I'm already gone."
Thank God. Thank God this day is closing. I have been sedated in self-pity for hours. I need a new day. I need a new sunrise; a new sunset... I need a change of scenery... 20.25 days... 20.25 days... 20.20 days... 20.15 days... it's coming; it's coming. Besides copious amounts of thinking, this day has been wasteful. Smile here, joke there, laugh now, cry later... I need a new day... I need a new fucking byline.

fata morgana

she appeared, with the first dawn’s glare
promising her creation
as attainable mystic-ness
where third realm light
becomes reality
with her wistful translucence
and serene, almost surreal, silhouette
she materialized with the carbon in the atmosphere
brilliant, she seemed
so immaculate and roseate
realizing my sacrificed dreamland
I reached for her cream colored shadowy hand
but she slipped through me
leaving her majestic essence
within my entity
all unsuspecting delusions
overwhelming sudden confusion
mastered my compassion
and like an intangible fabrication
at a fairy tale end
she was gone
like all other apparitions
breaking my confidence, all over again
as a mirage leaves nothing
and bequeaths only wanting
So, all I am is just waiting
anticipating my fantasy’s return

I sleep to finish... effortless.

certain- I like being certain

I feel like I haven't had a good blog in weeks. I had an experience that seems to have left me somewhat hollow... possibly even shallowed my sense of soul, for a time anyway. I have felt like a fraud, a fake, and a liar. I can't explain, but I have to force my fingers to strike the keys; I have to concentrate on the screen, too hard.... too hard to do what I seem to love... what I claim to love. Passion shouldn't come forcefully; passion should be haphazard. I feel like I've run out of interesting things to say. Mundane activities seem to interest me more than writing... that is a scary thing I just typed. I can't believe I typed that sentence. Have I become that domesticated? Does domestication mean I give up my livelihood? I need to hold my love. Loving brings light into my eyes. Loving from a far puts a torturous glimmer towards the end of my eyelash... it clings, it clutches... it fights to return, but rumble tumble, collapse and crumble... it's left wadded on the floor, and before I know it, I've squashed it with my high heal.

My lover leaves his love on a shelf, it's half-life longer than eternity

In the Red of my obsession,
a blue sky swells over me
And shade, shrinks.

although love's exonerated,
In your blandishment,
Growth fetters,
callow and unambitious.

not for a lack of apathy,
But a need, a Desire.
Desire for liberation,
Dismissal of preconceived notions

Of my remaining lust
My enduring reverence
My exceeding infatuation,
A constancy of adoration
That IS no more.

Truth is,
I never hated you,
I still don't hate you,
But,
I don't love you.

I'll wait for the day I can tell you,
I do not need you.
I don't need you to know,
I am NOT counting my moments
desirous for our reunion.

In your recollection,
My name resounds
passion, longing
Devotion, sullen desperation...

Be enlightened:
once a flame glimmered
Hard in my affection,
And met its demise

On the tip of your tongue,
its silent ways,
and in the Black of my affliction.

Ever wanted to say something to someone, but you didn't really want them to hear? You just wanted to get the words out... so that they are out, and not threatening to eat a hole in the side of your stomach. Yea, me too.

you know who you are

I pride myself on the ability to laugh at hate. I laugh because hate is as silly a thing as dog clothing... really... your dog is already wearing a sweater. Do you put a t-shirt and pants on over your sweater? I don't hate anyone. I truly cannot place a name or face to anyone I hate. I've hated in the past, but long since overcome this worthless emotion. If I did hate, it might make it easier to get over people that have hurt me. But, when a person refuses to hate, they tend to linger a bit longer on silly issues... they tend to hold guilt on their shoulders rather than the back of the mind. Hating increases heartrate, blood pressure, and stress level. Fretting over those you do not hate, increases heartrate, blood pressure, stress level, and the amount of time spent pondering about not hating someone. Either way, I'm fucked. So... there you have it.

indeed the everyday ordinary

Disconnected thoughts... damn you writers block

The way Zora waits when I go next door or across the street... I can see her silouette when it's dark out... two huge ears hanging just above the window in the screen door.

Dancing... sweating all night long, ruining my hair, but feeling so good doing it.

A star visible in daylight.

A sunset from the roof.

A cold rag on a mild sunburn.

Fireworks.

Being free.

Running.

My cheap beaded bracelet that reads "Army Wife" and "I love Matty".

My half-a-heart necklace that, in its whole, reads "God watch between me and thee while we are absent from one another."

Scratching myself by mistake because I forgot I quit biting my nails.

Starting a good novel.

Finishing a bad novel.

An unknown number on my caller ID.

Soft deep stares... always with the soft deep stares. I'm hung on them. They are so palpable you could hang from them. On the phone, I can see those clear blue eyes... I can see how they change when he smiles or laughs. I can hear him smile. I can hear him frown; sigh; yawn... yearn. He too dreams of my "soft doe eyes". "Stellar," he says. "Sweet," I say. "Soon," God promises.

Simple things are abundant. They are cheap, usually... they are everyday ordinary. Yet, ordinary people don't normally appreciate them. Too much else to anticipate, I guess.

aaaahhh...

"A man does not recover from such a devotion of the heart to such a woman!-- He ought not-- he does not." From "Persuassion" by Jane Austen

lonely days when you were born 29 years ago today

So... it's Matt's birthday today (it's already been his b-day for 18 and 1/2 hours in Baghdad). He's 29. I try and tell him not to worry... he's not old (he's almost completely grey; it's hot). Wishes of a good week to all.

I've decided; I've decided I won't be perfect. I was going to be, but how boring would that be? Incredibly... It's funny that most people find me charming, funny, and generally a good person, in-person. What they don't know? Well, they don't know I go home at night, beat myself up for all my short comings, and pretend to blog about being "strong". I think to freaking much. It's way too early for all this thinking.

present state of mind: anxious for a feeling

The anxious feeling under my skin... causes distress. All I can think about is a deep stare in moonlight... or candle light... or vague daylight peaking inside the blinds... any light. All I can think about is being held. All I can think about is one thing... but so many things wrapped around one solid. It's good... distraction. As I've always said, it's good, distraction. I can go out to dinner, see a movie, go out for drinks, and busy my mind, but... there is always a lull in conversation... a lull where I am relaxed, departed from all ongoing happenings... and I'm drifted back to this desire. This desire to... touch... be touched... feel... be felt. So many things, as I've said, wrapped around one solid. The atmosphere around my air is thick with wanting. Anyone would feel the heat that surrounds me... just come a bit closer. I could start a fire in the direction of my gaze. You don't want to become the object of my attention... trust many... the burning soon follows.
I've figured it out... it's the romance. And I don't mean romance in the candle lit dinner, flowers, and wine kind of way... I mean deep stares, soft whispers, and back-of-the-hand gentle touching.... that is romance. I'm not sure I realized before, but now it's clear.
I know. I know. I know. I can handle life. I can deal. I might slip; I may fall... but I'm strong enough to pick myself up... I can deal.
I'll, again, breathe deep. I'll breathe deep until I remember his hand. I'll breathe deep until I need it, no longer. I'll breathe deep, and sleep.
I am strong. I am stronger.

on a mountain top I watch

How many sunsets can one watch in a week? Seven, you say? Well, I didn't see that many... but I sat in my favorite spot on my favorite mountain three nights, and watched my favorite part of every day...
Saturday

Sunday
Monday


Who needs the movies?

who needs a title?

"I'm not going to sleep; I don't want to dream about the things I used to need."The things that I need... things... I don't need "things"... I need people. I need heart... I need deep stares, soft whispers, gentle touches... I need perspective.

sunset on a summer's eve

I crave the fulfilling solitude you allow me. Never more beautiful from one night to the next, only different. Never discouraging; never harsh or cruel; always bountiful and bright; always there each night. Counted on... never disappointing.
I crave the last rays of the day on my face... and the evening wind tousling my hair. Things become clearer in the light of night... even if to fog up moments later. Sunsets will be my west... with the Earth beneath me... searching for the moon, I clutch myself and breathe deep.

"Cynicism is the smoke that rises from the ashes of burned out dreams"

wanting a kiss too hard
making every brush of skin count
needing contact too badly
knowing I have to wait
leaving a look of yearning
poised in my eyes
a burning in my face

(unsaid)

"pluck the forbidden fruit, dear," he said...
as he handed me the vine.
"the taste is sweet, nutured by the Divine..."
marveling my hesitation, I reach out...
his eyebrow gave a surprised raise,
and his lips, pout,
gingerly, he let go
as it the vine bounced back in place...
enamoring confusion,
my hand and the vine race...
and its sweet smelling nectar
left wanting in its place...
(unsaid)

and sometimes I feel strong

Sometimes, there is so much to do... so much "busy" work... so many sets of ellipses... and the day goes quickly... It's anticipated greatly, then, just as the tide slowly rushes in, the day comes to a close... the night retreats like a snail in a race. The last few hours wind down slower than the doctor meets you in the exam room. The hurry up and wait that are these days... are these days. Nothing else to be said, really. I just sit here with my hands poised properly on the keys and I stroke away relentlessly. I'd bleed if not for the soft whimper of Zora in her puppy dreams. I'd type all day... all night.

And sometimes I feel strong, and I go to bed to dream.

who has time to think of a title?

"I need stability,
sanity,
love, life, and You...
But, I'd settle for You..." - Estell R. Breeze
A phone call of two minutes, is not a phone call. It's worse than no phone call at all. To plan an entire day around a phone call, is torture... it's also silly, but oh so necessary. All things considered: my sanity hangs on the end of the phone line, jumping each time it vibrates or rings... my stability jitters on the slow walk to check the mail... my love is 7,364 miles away, and my life is on repeat. And You, You are all holding the delicate balance in the tone of your voice.

Sound of a Voice

Two weeks... it's amazing how slow they can pass. Each day of the normal coffee, run (or walk), workout, clean, laundry... and so on, can torture me. Then, the phone rings, and it's a fight to get to it before it stops. I will trip over, kick, and destroy anything/anyone in my way. I freak out when I've left my phone anywhere for longer than a minute. My heart races until I see there are no missed calls... if there is a missed call, my heart stops beating a moment. Then, it's from my sister or mom or something. Thank goodness, I say to myself, and my heart starts its normal off-beat rhythm. A thirty minute phone call is like Heaven. He called yesterday, and it was a glorious day. We poked fun at one another (like always), talked about R&R, and expressed our love and misses at least 20 times. It looks like mid to late July I'll be picking him up from DFW. I get to feel the excitement the USO, family members, signs and banners bring to the place. I can't wait, but I must. In only one month, I could possibly be holding Matty's hand... among other pleasures I've got on the back burner. He's a great man; he I admire most.
Two weeks... it's amazing how quick they will fly by. I will make the most of it. I will not overwhelm him. I will love him as if it's the only two weeks out of the year I'll see him.
So much to look forward to... I love so many things... but, this thing, is always on the front of my mind.
Have a great day.

14 days and trying not to count

The Army has a way... a way of forcing you to be patient. No sense in getting worked up; no sense in getting mad... what's it going to do? Not a damn thing, is the answer. It's taught me a lot... these are valuable lessons. These are lessons I won't forget. I trust they will help me in the long run, with children, grandchildren... Fourteen, 14... sounds shorter when it's written in Arabic form, rather than in English. So, I'll say 14... 14 days since I've heard his voice. It would be so nice... so so nice... so so sweet... to hear him... to hear him just say, "how's my baby?" That sound is so missed. His head on my shoulder, passed out in front of the TV at 9pm, is so missed. His hand stroking the hair out of my eyes... a kiss on the back of my hand, neck, anywhere... the proximity of breath... is so so missed. I linger in the midnight hours pondering the many workings of my longing... this also doesn't do me any courtesy. How could a human being not notice, though? There is such a lack of intimacy, or human contact, for that matter. It's hard not to notice. It's hard to ignore it. Many people experience this... not as many in this situation... but many do. It's no fun under any circumstance. I am glad, though, I have the promise of love; the promise of well... many things. They are anticipated and not yet felt. I look forward... I always look forward. I live in the now of cosmos, margaritas, stupid boys to flirt with, neighbors to relate to, and my dog to lick my face in the morning to wake me (just as Matthew did)... so, I'm content, considering. Soon, i will be content... minus the 'considering'.

11pm and I still wake to the sounds of nothing.

Rest & Recouperation

"happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length." - Robert Frost

I'm certain I know the meaning of this quote. "Better to have loved and lost..." Yes, I am certain. Even as my pause of happiness, with a promise of return, sits on my plate, inedible... I'm certain. I would never claim to be satisfied... One who is wanting cannot be satiated soon enough. I'm not certain, however, I could be satiated. 15 days? Please... I vowed a lifetime; 15 days is an appetizer for a life of promised happiness. It's only one buffalo wing... no blue cheese. I'm starving.

I wear a flower for him

Sometimes, I forget to say it; I take it for granted. Sometimes, I foget to tell him I'm proud. Proud to be his wife, proud to be waiting here, patiently; he gives me so many reasons to be proud... but, mostly, I'm proud of him. What a strong man he is... I can't wait to watch him be a father. He knows I'm proud. He also knows I love him, but I don't hang up the phone without telling him that at least 10 times.

Today is the 6 month mark. Six months, no Matthew. Letters, phone calls, and many emails keep my love close to me... though he's 7,364 miles away. It's been 11 days since he's called. It, sadly, gets easier to go longer without speaking... still, there are those days when there isn't much going on... I don't have a lot to busy my mind... I get to thinking. I think about him sitting on a watch tower in the sunset, sweating. He stares at the sunset without sunglasses (like we always do); he pulls a letter or picture from his vest... reads or just looks... he puts it away, replaces his sunglasses and helmet, and gets back to work. He allows himself just moments of pondering... I ponder a hundred fold.
Thank God for distraction.

Goodbye My Lover- James Blunt

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

Some friends suck.

I have this friend, and her boyfriend hates me. What's fucked up is I introduced them... and when i did, I said, "I think this guy might be a compulsive liar; just so you know." I think he lied about going to Iraq (he's reserve, and claims he got activated to Iraq for 2 years; whatever). I can't prove it though. He was dating another girl for a while, at the same time as dating my friend... she knew about it! I called him on his lying one time, and that's why he doesn't like me. Judging by the way he reacted (Earth would explode if he talked to me again, becasue i called him a liar, basically), I think he really did lie. I even said sorry for yelling at him, and he still won't talk to me. I just wanted to make peace because this friend, well, she was agood friend. Now, i don't know. She believes him over me. They probably sit around talking shit. The past few weekends, she's ditched me for him. She was supposed to go to the drive-in with me one weekend, and didn't even bother to tell me she wasn't coming. She's ditching me again this weekend to hang out with him. The worst part... he lives in Temple. She doesn't even bother to see me even though she comes all the way out here. I go to Austin all the time to see her. How fucked up. So, it's just me this weekend... oh at least Zora will be here.