I'm not a Soldier, but I've got soul

On a night, such as tonight, with clear skies, and mild temperatures, I'm indoors. I'm indoors enjoying the free electricity that pumps out freezing air in the form of air conditioning. Hey, why not... right. I'm enjoying free AC, jamming to my cell phone's MP3 player, and yelling at my dog every 5 minutes to quit eating herself out! It's a rough life, right..?

6 weeks... 6 fucking weeks. Man, why does it still feel so far away? My neighbor across the street says "goodbye" tomorrow night to her husband. It's so sad. I can feel the atmosphere... I can remember the atmosphere. I remember the fear... I can feel the uncertainty. Think you know uncertainty? Trying being one of the wives on this block... or in this life... then complain. You won't... not about your mundane "uncertainties"... no you wouldn't. I can smell the disbelief. "Is this really happening?" "Is this really my life?" It's so surreal. I know. I know. I creeps up on you, the "leaving". It creeps in like the tide... slow, yet aggressive. You ignore it for a time; life continues as though it were "normal". Then, like a wave destroys a sand castle, you've forgotten to breathe in all the love, it's gone. He leaves... and you're left with "everyday". . . every day with its lingering longing, forever draining on the senses. All you feel is empty. I know this.

I remember wishing, "Why can't it be next year?" And, shit, here it is "next year". This time last year my husband was on a 50 day rotation in Fort Irwin, and in a few months would be gone. Now, he will be home in less than 2 months... less than 2 months. It feels so close... as if my fingertips are touching a thread that hangs from his powder blue shirt. I can't cling to it, I can only feel as it tickles... and blows in the hot wind. I can feel the warmth of his smile in his eyes when we speak... he waits to touch my face... I long to snuggle, nose to nose.

Time passes so slowly... and yet, opportunity is lost with one breath.

Fret not... dear friends, your dues shall be paid, and love restored to its proper place. I know my life coming back full circle means yours is interrupted... Roles will reverse once again in a years time.

Good luck.

Misconception

If you feel like someone is pointing you out... calling for help... or angry with you for some reason... Fucking ask... don't just assume. It's irritating. Have a nice day.

I surprise myself with my versatile taste in music.

Miranda Lambert
"Love Is Looking For You"
Maybe you're just jaded from some nobody's unforgotten words
Maybe you're just faded, a little gray from every time that you've been hurt
So you're lookin for your skin that you never did fit in
You can't hide when you're turned inside out
Love is looking for you now
Maybe you been burnin' but you can't blow out a flame that you can't find
Maybe you've been thirsty but the rain just aint enough when you're this dry
So you're runnin' from the water and the fire's getting hotter
I think you better find some lever ground
Love is lookin' for you now
Love is lookin' for you now
Maybe you been wearing the shoes that someone else is wearing now
Maybe you've been swearing forever might have already run out
You can't love yourself at the expense of someone else
You can't hide a liar from the truth
Love is lookin' for you
Love is lookin' for you
I've been looking for you
Baby I've been lookin...
I've been looking for you

Vanessa's "READ ME" file.

I am an intellectual person... understanding, and compromising to near a fault. I may not watch the news often, but I realize there are greater concerns in the world aside from my own. I realize those close to me have their own obligations, priorities, and concerns. When Matt comes home, what I do to pass the lonely hours in the night, and his day to day activities don't really sit on the brains of many... I get that. I've also learned I can bring people down... I may wear a mask, but my eyes hide nothing. I hate that, but it's fact.

Now, we (humans) are notorious for saying things "people just say", such as... "call me if you need anything." I get that. I also get the need people feel to say that... because well, it's something "you just say". It's irritating when you know someone isn't genuine. Ninety-five percent of the time, they don't expect you to call. Few actually mean what they say. I'm guilty of this, I'm sure. I can't pin-point something, but I'm not arrogant enough to believe I'm exempt. The faulty wires in my system can only be reconnected by a professional... so, this is by no means an attack from a perfect human. Shit, I only use, like 8% of my brain power or something. It's just... well, you can call someone a "friend", and never talk to them. You can speak to you friends, and not really talk. You know many of them are out there, but you can't feel them. Some are self-involved... some are avoiders (guilty), some really do have to much on their minds, some just don't care...

I am so thankful for the few friends I do have... they keep me grounded. They've helped me through these last two months, which have been uphill. I feel the wind in my favor, now. I really do... before, I think I was faking. I really couldn't see that light near the end. It was all black. Now, though, I'm feeling much better.

So, back to my point... thanks to those of you who really mean what you say...

and to those of you who "just say things"...

I just fucking hate being ignored.

Life List

So, there are many things I want to accomplish before life (or gravity) kicks in. Many things are on my list, but (close to the top) is to compete in a triathlon. Something small to start off with... something like swim 800 meters, Bike 12.4 miles, Run 3.1 miles. I'm in a great place for the sport. Austin is quite the outdoors town. I just got through with a 4 mile run, and I'm getting on my bike for about 20 miles here in a minute. I'm just curious... anyone out there ever trained for a triathlon? I need a schedule. I want to be ready for one by February. I have plenty of time, but... the biggest goal I have is to keep up with Matthew. He's a great athlete. I've never been very sporty, but I have good body composition, I just have to fake the endurance part. I can build up, I'm sure... but I need a good plan. Nutrition being my field, I think I've got that covered... just the training..
Okay, so let's recap... I need help with training. Got that? Okay good.
Have a good day!

fascinating

Waiting is all I have,
Waiting...
Smiling though the chorus,
Sobbing the verses...
Hiding,
Anticipating,
Each word
Every letter
Making up memories...
All I am is pretending,
Pretending
Pretending
Faking the crowd
Showing my façade...
My façade
Is perfected
Flawless and deceiving...
Wanting is all I have
Wanting
All I am is Waiting...
I am fantastically well versed
with misconception.
Deception.
... don't... believe... a... word... I... write.

By any other name...

This would still be a night alone. No fancy metaphors, no confusing Army mumbo jumbo... by any other name... this Wednesday night, may as well be a Monday or Saturday. This night does not deserve it's own name. I still spill over these words... I still beat the keys of my keyboard with moderate efficiency and accuracy... mediocre. This night is mediocre. Melancholy... I still stare at his smile placed so sweetly and delicately on the top of my computer monitor. So fragile that the slightest bump of my rickety desk, and the frame fumbles to the floor... tumbling many times before making it's crash. Today is not different. I still pick it up, wipe it off, kiss his face, and place it back in the same dangerous yet provocative spot. I must be able to see his face in every room. Each day I walk through our house... my head looks left of the bed... I see his face. it the bathroom I brush my teeth, and look at his blue eyes staring back at me. In the kitchen I make the coffee... I open the freezer, slam the door shut, and his picture jiggles on the front. As I watch TV, and he watches with me. As I sit and type to you, dear blogger, he sits with me.
Each day I am faced with a reminder of what's "missing". Not happiness... not love... just the comfort of both. I have them, but they are out of reach. As if I've purchased a great new pair of shoes, but they are on lay-away for an uncertain length of time... but, when the shoes come on, the crooked smile is wiped from my face, and replaced with tears of joy and sore cheeks.

The Army Wife Prayer

Dear Lord,

Give me the greatness of heart to see the difference between duty and his love for me.

Give me understanding that I may know, when duty calls him he must go.

Give me a task to do each day, to fill the time when he's away.

And Lord, when he's in a foreign land, keep him safe in your loving hand.

And Lord, when duty is in the field, please protect him and be his shield.

And Lord, when deployment is so long, please stay with me and keep me strong. Amen.

-- Author:anonymous

I want a red blender?

Sacrifice comes from a Middle English word meaning "to make sacred". Traditionally, it has religious connotations. In Judaism, sacrifices typically consist of animals, grain or wine. They are thought to make one "closer to God." in Christianity, God became a man to become the sacrifice of the everlasting covenant, Jesus Christ. In some Christian religions, Mass is seen as a sacrifice (hence all the "morning" people in Catholic Mass, uh). Self-sacrifice... Martyrs. Sacrifice in Islam, a healthy animal is sacrificed in remembrance of a Prophet's own sacrifice, and to help the poor. The manner in which the animals are sacrificed is very specific, and must not be deviated from. Human sacrifice was practiced by many ancient cultures... and still could be hiding in the brush. The term sacrifice is also used metaphorically to describe selfless good deeds for others.

So, which category do I fall into? I've never been a religious person. I've been to Mass many times. I was married in a Catholic Church... born into a family of Jehovah Witnesses. I'm still unsure of all the practices I "witnessed". I am married to a man in the Army. The Military is widely praised for their duty, honor, and selfless acts for their country. Does an Army Wife meet such high expectation? I live, and will live, without my husband for 3 more months... this time. Next time, another year... next time, another year... maybe two, maybe six months... maybe no time at all. Do I "sacrifice"? Do I serve a greater good? That is certainly up for debate.

I am not worth glorification.


"Sacrifice" is a term used lightly... casually... random and mostly undeserved. I cannot assume to have a greater purpose than any other individual in this world... this sweet world, often taken for granted, and at face-value... look deeper... beyond the high rises, smog filled sky lines, gas-guzzling SUV's, plastic bodies, weight obsessed teenagers, selfish human beings, and material worth... look past it all and you will see what's been missed with each ellipses.

and, as always, something isn't found

I am lost in the spaces... inbetween the lines is where I find myself... confused with my own grammer... comforted by my lack of punctuation... drifting in and out of reality... ignoring the white walls around me... focusing on maintaining sanity... ellipses... are... fun... can you see what is... missing?

Sometimes

Sometimes I mask my own feelings so well, I can't remember what they are anymore. Who knows what I think... certainly not I.
Sometimes, being political correct, hides what you really need.
Sometimes, supporting someone else, means delaying, or giving up, your own desires. My hopes are on pause. My life is put off... again.
Who could say "no"? Who would say "no"? An unsupportive wife... that is not a label I want.
Always, no one knows what it's like for you. No matter your situation, no matter your actions, feelings, or responses, no one knows what it's like for you when you are alone; no one knows what you do. When you are alone, only you understand you. Only you know yourself.
He'll never know what it's like to be the one at home, and I'll never know what it's like to be the one away from home. We know our own titles well.

"But I'm am le tired..."

This is a repeat from me... but more people read my blog than before, and I felt it worthy of repeating. I can't get this to post on my blog, but go to this link and watch the video.

http://ebaumsworld.com/2006/06/endofworld.html

Dog doors, huges bitches, and the lovely Lola and Holly

I had a pretty good weekend. I hung out with my sister, Alena, on Friday night. That was cool. I hadn't seen her in months. It was just a shame that Jayel wasn't there... it was her b-day... and her anniversary, and she was stuck in El Paso. :( Anyway, it was really nice to get to talk to Alena. She seems to have had some life changes that I'm sorry I missed. I'm sorry I wasn't there to talk to her, and help her through things. I was being an asshole. We both avoided talking, but that's done now, thank god. She seems happy, and that makes me happy.

So, I need to elaborate on a previous post... The thing I hate most about the human race you ask? Most of us are unreliable. I'm certain that I'm guilty of this also, but I think I show when it counts most. Who knows, I could be wrong. An outside observer is always best in these situations; they seem to see you better than you see yourself. Anyway, Yvonne just moved into a new house about a month or so ago, and her dogs (big dogs) just moved in last week. She's been having to scrap working out on her lunch break to let them out to pee... well, we just had to do something about that, eh? She was supposed to have a "guy" friend help her put in a dog door. Well, he didn't show, nor did he call to say he wasn't going to show. So... being the empowered chics we are, we decided to do this ourselves. We had a door, and a dog door... we just needed tools. Here's where Alena comes back into the picture... I called her and said, "have you got a jig saw, and a drill?" Of course she did. She's Alena. So, we borrowed some tools (from a chic, by the way), and we put that fucking door in ourselves! We didn't need no stinking MAN! HA! We had a very empowered weekend.

So, on Saturday we went downtown... I know that, next to Yvonne and Sandra, I'm pretty tall looking. I mean on my own, I'm tall, but next to them, I'm GIGANTOR! So, at one point, walking through the warehouse district, we heard someone say, "That's a big bitch!" Ha... it was funny.
One more thing, Lola and Holly... lovely ladies. We were "with" them this weekend. Those chics were hot!

Please re-post on your own blog.

I received the below information from the Rear Detachment Command of Matt's unit, so I feel it is reliable. I searched for my mother, sisters, friends, Matthew, and myself... all of us turned up. I've sent in an email to the listed address below. I'm not sure it will help, but it's the least I can do.
Pass on please, and I hope your day went well.

FW: Database avalible for free!

Here's something that should scare you! Heads up.

Beginning this month (JULY '06) a new database will be available to the general public free of charge that displays your personal information (names, addresses, phone numbers, birth dates). (Soc. Sec. is available for a price.) The database is found at http://www.zabasearch.com/

Type in your name and check ... you'll be SHOCKED as I was!
I urge you to forward this email to family and friends. Check to see if your name and information is in their database. If so and you want it removed, send them an e-mail at info@zabasearch.com to request it be removed. I do not know how our names are appearing there, but I checked my own and a few other random ones and they are all in this database!


After opting out by email, check back after a few days to make certain your information has been removed. If it has not been removed then file a complaint with your State's Attorney General.

John Wright

ROAR mutha fuckas!

So, women go to restrooms in pairs... we do this for many reasons. One reason is to hold our girl's hair back in case she must vomit. Well, we also hold one another's hair back when we use power tools!! Today, Yvonne and I, put in a dog door in her back room. That's right, bitches! We borrowed my SISTER'S power tools... mapped out a path, drilled some holes, used a jig saw to cut a hole in the door, and screwed that bitch in... no men necessary.

ROAR!!!!

banishment

Well, well, well... here I find myself, once again. The lights are dim, the monitor casts a glow on my face, my dog paces on the hard wood floors, my AC blows out freezing FREE air, and my fingers drum away on the keyboard in search of answers to questions of answers. Yes, yes... This is a frequent occurance. Not a lot changes. No, much is the same. It's still around 10 pm, Zora still has anxiety, and my fat cat gorges herself on the "indoor, weight/furball control cat food". I'm still not privy to "world" issues. You see Army Wives (I should write "spouses", but let's be honest, wives make up about 98% of "spouses") don't watch the news... well, not during a deployment, and not when they don't have freaking cable. I almost miss network news. Seriously, the biggest story that is local is some water main fight a guy is having in Harker Heights. I'm sure it's a big problem for him, but I just don't freaking care enough to hear about it at 6 and 10 each night.

Anyway, off subject... banishment. Ever felt so "out-of-the-loop" at one point, that you don't even try to get back into the loop? I mean really, it's easier to remain ignorant. Avoidance is a blessing, at times. Sure, it might blow up in my face one day, but if "one day" isn't within a year or so, we'll be gone. This is, after all, the Army. People always talk about how they "just like to know things". I don't think I want to know what people don't like about me. I'm ignorant... and it's freaking blissful. My promised partner for life can deal with it, so can I. I just hate that I find out through grapevines what people really think. I can't talk though... I know I've spoken my share of "shit". It's only natural to have "shit" spoken about oneself. It's moronic to think it wouldn't happen... to think I'm immune or some shit.

I can be a bitch... it's only a matter of time people start calling me such.

How come... when you feel as though you may be out of the woods... something pulls your ass back? Why must a glass of wine (or three) have such an effect? I'm unsure. And, well, shit... I like being certain. I'm uncertain. Uncertainty sucks ass. Merlot on the other hand... well, it tastes fucking good, but causes some natural and unthinkable thoughts. What a combination!? I need a new theme song. I need something less self loathing, and something a bit more gratifying. How about some techno? No, that shit sucks... I can't pretend to like that crap. How about a little R&B or Rap.... no that shit is for the dance club when i'm sweaty, running off and outwitting morons. I need something... shit... I wish I knew what the fuck I needed. I miss my sisters.