Yes, I await the way those blue eyes look grey when he's in uniform. I hold my breath until I see his grey patch of hair step off the bus, and into the gym. I can spot him from a mile away. I can smell him.
Why can't I verbally express that which is contained in my head? Why are my fingers so much more eloquent? Why must I strike these keys with such consistent effficiency? It seems, a curse. The trembling in my voice does nothing to quell the aching desire to exclaim what I feel. Nothing. I can't hide a thing in my eyes, but my quaking nature confuses you. I confuse me... I confuse all. I'm so easily susceptible to apologies. I'm sucked in with one break in speech, with one pause for concern, or sincerity. I'm so thrown... I'm so eager.
I'm so completely... confused. I'm exhausted. I'm torn. I will forever be learning, and being taught lessons. Life leaves nothing out, eventually. I will never stop changing the way I adapt, and grow. How could I? Impossible.
Don't shut me out... Lord, please, don't let me be shut out.
Nada Surf- Inside of Love
Watching terrible TV
It kills all thought
Getting spacier than
An astronaut
Making out with people
I hardly know or like
I can't believe what i do
Late at night
I wanna know what it's like
On the inside of love
I'm standing at the gates
I see the beauty above
Only when we get to see
The aerial view
Will the patterns show
We'll know what to do
I know the last page so well
I can't see the first
So i just don't start
It's getting worse
I wanna know what it's like
On the inside of love
I'm standing at the gates
I see the beauty above
I can't find my way in
I try again and again
I'm on the outside of love
Always under or above
Can't find my way in
I try again and again
I'm on the outside of love
Always under or above
Must be a different view
To be a me with a you
I wanna know what it's like
On the inside of love
I'm standing at the gates
I see the beauty above
Of course I'll be alright
I just had a bad night
Soooo... not long now. Only about 15 days... sweet, sweet order.
Anyway, went out last night with Trish and friends. It was costume night at the local Grams in Austin. Batman hit on me... he didn't pull off the tights very well. I told him there was a height requirement for this ride. Ha... I love that one. I can't even count how many times "some guy" said, "Wow, you're tall." or "I love a tall woman." I have various responses to this line. Such as: "Um, really? I hadn't noticed (walks away)." "And, you're short, please go away." or, my personal favorite: "It's an optical illusion."
Well, I've decided that going out on time change night is not a good plan. That extra hour of drinking.... not fun, and just a bad idea all around. It increases the intensity of the phenomenon known as "the hangover."
I carved some pumpkins last night... but, this one takes the cake. I didn't carve... I only wish I had.
So... Ms. Trisha tagged me... so here goes... a bunch of stuff you don't want to know, really.
1. Explain what ended your last relationship? bad timing... oh, and me being a crazy-in-love woman
2. When was the last time you shaved? a few days ago... before that... I can't even remember
3. What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.? sleeping
4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago? messing with my new sewing machine.. I'm so domestic
5. Are you any good at math? why yes, I am.
6. Your prom night? I went with a guy that spent lots of money on me, and I didn't even kiss him... then, I went and hung out with my "friend" later. We slept in his car in front of my house. I still had that rose perfectly placed in my hair when I woke.
7. Do you have any famous ancestors? People aske me everyday if I'm related to Tim McGraw... no.. okay... NO! Other than that, I have no idea.
8. Have you had to take a loan out for school? hasn't everyone?
9. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace profile? Yes... It's Ache, by James Carrington. Thanks to Jeremy, I already have the lyrics, and didn't have to go searching for it after watching Smallville.
10. Last thing received in the mail? Junk, like everyday.
11. How many different beverages have you had today? Just coffee, and water.
12. Do you ever leave messages on people’s answering machine? Always, and I hate then they call back without checking.
13. Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to? I saw Easy E in concert when I was 13.
14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach? Doesn't everyone?
15. What’s the most painful dental procedure you’ve had? A root canal one day, and worse, another the next day on the tooth above the other.
16. What is out your back door? A barking dog, and bunch of her poo. I gotta clean that crap... ha ha crap.
17. Any plans for Friday night? cleaning up Zora's poo, apparently.
18. Do you like what the ocean does to your hair? I like what the ocean breeze does to my hair... but I hate when my hair is all salty. It's long... and two feet of hair with salt water... ICK.
19. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different popcorns? Ha, my Grams used to have them at Christmas time.
20. Have you ever been to a planetarium? Yes... in fact.. it's a great date night thing. I'm taking Matt there when he gets back.
21. Do you re-use towels after you shower? I reuse the previous days towel for my hair.
22. Some things you are excited about? I don't even think I need to answer that.
23. What is your favorite flavor of JELLO? I don't know... strawberry is always good bet with me.
24. Describe your keychain(s)? A dog tag with this symbol on it. It's Matt's unit crest.
25. Where do you keep your change? In a change purse, and in the strawberry cow in my kitchen.
26. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people? The last time was a poetry reading in El Paso, I'm sure.... oh wait... I gave a presentation on how horrible smoking can be to your health in May.
27. What kind of winter coat do you own? One long wool coat, and a wool pea coat.
28. What was the weather like on your graduation day? HOT.
29. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed? Closed... can't have Zora walking around on the wood floors... drives me crazy.
Okay, done.
Another strange way to find my page...
Go to Aol.com and search:
halloween foreshadowing read aloud
... I wonder what this person was really trying to find...
Weird.
I don't know what to blog about. I'm coming up empty... that's never fun. I have several of the same-ol' same-ol' topics on my brain, but they just won't do. No, I need something fresh... something new. I need to wash my hands of the ugliness following me. I need to apply moisturizer. I need rub them dry, and place my rings on their respective fingers, and smell the freshness of the lotion... instead of the pungent old greasiness clinging beneath my nails.
I could blog about all the rain today... steady, smelly... BORING.
I could say how Mary left... that's just the same-ol' sad. Maybe some other time.
I could say how three weeks might as well be three months... he's still not here... but, see above.
I could say that I fear the disruption of quiet I have endured. I do not anticipate it's fleeting nature. The chattering of pictures that hang on the walls is familiar, and comforting. The jet powered hum of the AC as it stops and starts lets me know I'm home. I couldn't imagine being away from home for a month... a year? Oh never. I leave for a week, and I get crabby. I love home. I love home especially when home is home.
Home will be home... soon. OH there I go again... the same-ol' sad.
I'm just waiting.
So many things seem difficult... mundane activities... everyday activities. Then, an activity comes around, that may only happen once a year, once every three years, or something that comes sporadically, and pray will ne'er return. I rightfully claim to be emotionally drained. This time of year used to be my favorite. The leaves should be changing; the weather is cooling; my birthday; Halloween; Thanksgiving... so many great events. The leaves aren't changing, the weather is barely cooling, my birthday sucked ass, and who knows how the others will turn out. My husband is on his way home so soon... but, there is so much sadness around me right now making it impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
This weekend I attend the wake and funeral of one Magdalen Gosch, wonderful Grandmother, snappy card player, and one sassy woman. She went peacefully, for which we are all thankful, but these times can't help but be sad. I can't even imagine what my mother-in-law, and her siblings are going through. To lose ones mother... I can't even contemplate without my eyes bubbling and burning with salty tears. I can't imagine this world without my mother.
I sit here, crying through the words. I have to cry now... I can't break down there. I must be the rock, the hard place for which to lean. I need my rest for I will be in Minnesota by tomorrow night.
Also, this evening I bid a misty farewell to a friend that I haven't known long, but will miss and think of often. I am sad I won't be here to help, but I am needed much more elsewhere. I will see you both in a year, and you better call me so that we may ALL get together. It would be so grand to be a party of four... rather than the usual three... or two soon. You will be fine M... don't worry too much (that is a large feat if you manage not to worry a ton), he will be home soon. And B, take care, and thanks for doing what others will not.
Surveys seem so simple, and require so little...
1. One book that's changed your life.
Any VC Andrews novel ever...
2. One book that you have read more than once.
The Chronicles of Narnia
3. One book that you would want on a deserted island?
The ultimate Map Book or something... so I can plot my way home.
4. One book that made you cry.
Home Fires Burning--- Pain staking, Army Wife stories
5. One book that made you laugh.
Eragon
6. One book you wish had been written
I don't understand the question?
7. One book you wish had never been written
Mein Kampf Hitler--- Good one T
8. One book you are currently reading
Eragon
9. One book you’ve been meaning to read.
Mr. Murder- Dean Koontz--- Matt's reading it in Iraq
10. One book you're proud you own
ummmmm... the Dictionay
11. One book from which you must read aloud.
Persuassion- Jane Austen... that was a tough read
Another interesting "Google"...
Search: always unsupportive wife
And, apparently, you find my blog.
Weird.
You can only blame your Present and Future on your Past for so long; Sooner or later you must learn from your history... so that you may credit your Future to your Past. I do not feel for you if you let someone hurt you, twice. I have no pity for repeat offenders. I find no solace in their self-destructive nature, and the tears it brings to many.
If you don't want honesty from me, I am not the friend for you. You and I will not get along. If you want to wear a short shirt out on the town, and you ask me, "Does this make me look like a slut?" I'm not going to lie to you; I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear. I'm going to give you the Truth; the ugly, painful, and releasing Truth.
If it makes you feel better to throw my own misery in my face, find a sympathetic ear for your troubles elsewhere.
Everything is relative. Three weeks away from your loved one may feel like an eternity... and to us it is a mere hour... Texans think 60 degrees is cold; Minnesotan (ians? oans?) wear shorts. A flu shot is nothing; I have bruises I can't remember bumping; Cuts that bleed, and I feel nothing... but when a friend smites you... it writhes more than a thousand bee stings, and the scars last for a life time.
My previous post was all piss and vinegar... here's a hot one. Check out my new b-day shoes. I'm so psyched. I wonder how bad my feet will hurt? Who cares! I'll be taller than all the boys! Friday the 13th here I come...
There are many times when I have the most overwhemling desire to scream... but I don't. I remain silent; I only scream inside. When inside I blare, and my outside I just breathe... it's still obvious. My eyes can't hide shit, my voice always gives me away; So, I have no secrets. I am an open fucking book. Chapter by chapter one can flip through my inner workings, divulging my darkest thoughts to anyone who might ask, and solve the puzzle... revealing me.
Most pretend not to know. They don't ask, but I can see it (or hear it)... they wonder, but don't ask. Something is bothering me, but it's ignored. Avoidence is so easy... too easy. Only a real friend would ask.
There are people who are just starting the journey I started not too long ago... I am still here, still enduring... but, it seems to be forgotten. I seem to have been forgotten. Even though I know the feeling... of waiting... and now they know... but still I'm forgotten. I know this... I know I cannot rely on anyone, but myself. I am my own keeper. It is my responsiblity to "look after" me.
I'll still be here, enduring, and enduring... and fucking dealing like usual.
F-ing shitty friends.
Flown by Sheridan
It feels good to feel so good
It's like I've been misunderstood
And I've tried to hold on to you
But there's nothing else to hold on to
If you open your eyes only once
You would have known
This bird has flown
Long ago
I'm already gone
Took a long time to finally see
Now I'm stronger than I used to be
And we don't need to say goodbye
Cause we've done that so many times
And it never occured to you once
You're all alone
This bird has flown
Long ago
I'm already gone
And I've tried so many times to talk to you
But there's just so many things
You can put me through
If you'd open your eyes you would know
You're all alone
This bird has flown
Long ago
I'm already gone
Already gone...
Already gone...
Cast Away... what a grand movie. I saw it, of course, years ago when it came out, but now it's entire theme has different implications. Chuck Noland, Tom Hanks' character, tells his best girl, Kelly (played by Helen Hunt), "I'll be right back." Not only that, he gives her a ring... well, we never really find out what is in that box, but one can only assume it is a ring... and that she'd have said, "Yes," if asked the "Big Question." Foreshadowing at its best.
Matt said that to me... in so many words, "It's only a year, and then I'll be back." The year does come upon me shortly, but we are not out of the woods just yet, and I cannot help but apply the scenario.
Anyway, so Chuck stayed alive. He survived countless injuries, thoughts of suicide, insanity (no doubt), solitude, a sore tooth, and surely less than perfect hygiene. He stayed alive to get back to his girl, Kelly. She kept him alive. This mimics the way many Soldiers get married just before leaving for War. So that someone is waiting. I don't know how single Soldiers do it, and this is all part of the reason there is much pressure for officers to get married. So, they have someone at home, and the job isn't everything, among other reasons.
Many Soldiers endure the previously listed hardships... also. But not for 4 years, and the solitude isn't as severe.
Anyway... Chuck returns from 4 years on a deserted island, looking great (especially considering), and Kelly has appeared to have moved on. She's married, has a daughter, and even cut her hair. But, she still loves him... desperately.
Since I am a romantic (or maybe just self-proclaimed tragedy addict), I can apply almost any love story to my own... this one especially. So, naturally, I had horrible dreams last night... just horrible. I won't go into detail, since I don't remember all of it...
but, all I know is I could really use an email, or better yet, a phone call.
And so the waiting game continues.
Well, usually... people come across my page by searching for lyrics to a song, "how to make paper", or "deployment"... this is the strangest, and dirtiest, yet... at least I think it was intended to be dirty. I feel it interesting enough to blog about:
"FUKING HOLE"
Just like that... misspelled... capital letters. Someone from Mexico searched this... dirty.
Well, I think I've managed a good deed or two this year... but, today, tops the list (as in the one that gives me the most satisfaction). I've just picked up 48 sets of sheets, pillow cases, comforters, towels, and wash cloths from the Rear D command post. Why, you ask? Well, for washing! And, later... when we actually determine where they will go... we will all get together and make beds for single Soldier's returning home from Iraq! It's exciting. Good thing I live on post, and don't pay for water! I imagine this takes a huge weight off Rear D and all the things those poor people have to deal with... And, the Soldier's that may return home to no one, will at least have a place to lay their head, and towels for washing. Yay me!
mis‧take: (mɪˈsteɪk)
-noun
1. an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc.
2. a misunderstanding or misconception.
I have made... mistakes. Many many mistakes. For example... smoking that firstcigarettee; 'why did I give that guy my number?'; ditching school; skipping the dentist; driving without my seat belt... luckily, my mistakes have been ones I can bounce back from. It's part of "life", right? Right. There are many that don't have this luxury... many of whom aren't as lucky as I seem to be. I'm also lucky to have a conscience. A moral, and ethical, awareness.
-verb (used with object)
3. to regard or identify wrongly as something or someone else: I mistook him for the mayor.
4. to understand, interpret, or evaluate wrongly; misunderstand; misinterpret.
I've confused certain people for something else... not much elaboration needed there, right? You all know. We've all thought someone to be something they are not... even though these people might force themselves to appear as such, it is still our mistake. If I misinterpret something a person has said... and I ask for no clarification... it is my mistake. If I read between the lines... it is my mistake. Just because I perceive something to be, it does not make it so.
-verb (used without object)
5. to be in error.
Wrong place, wrong time, but with a little more knowledge... sound familiar? Love confusion... and such. Or, for another example confusing balsamic vinegar with balsamic vinaigrette... fatal cooking error.
-Idiom
6. and no mistake, for certain; surely: He's an honorable person, and no mistake.
But, in all my falsehoods, follies, faults... or whichever word beginning with "f" you wish... MAKE NO MISTAKE, these are incidences from which I learn. Things I intend to avoid in the future. One should never assume I might place myself in positions where I might make the same mistakes. No, this is definitely not in my character. I may not know myself completely... do we ever? But, I know myself enough to understand consequences. When an action forces a certain feeling upon me, I NEVER wish for said feelings again. I'm not into self mutilation...
My point? Uh, good question... CLARIFICATION is endlessly valuable. And closure... is oh so necessary. And so, it is done.
I got this quiz from sunny side of life...
Personality Test
Type A Casual Personality
This is a woman who has the same tendencies as her compulsive sister. She, however does not go to the extreme. While her environment is always neat and disorder distresses her, she does not obsess over it. She has managed to place relationships in their proper perspective, yet struggles keeping them there. In a nutshell, she is a more easy going or relaxed version of an A - Compulsive.
ummm... spot on.
