erased onto paper

Google

2008-08-09T23:13:00.001-06:00

I got googled. OMG weird. Whomever googled me.. hung out on my blog.. well, this damn thing, for a freakin' while. CREEPY. Someone googled me. ICK.

awesomeness

2008-05-07T04:30:00.001-06:00

yeah...

about me

2008-03-24T20:45:00.001-06:00

I'm uncomplicated, and pretend not to fake it. I like to say things like "Heck ya!" "So, I got that goin' for me," "Good talk, guys," and "Yo," a lot. I'm generally in a good mood most times, and I like to be made to laugh until I think I might pee a little. I enjoy dancing... either alone in my house... sometimes naked, or out and until I'm completely dripping in sweat. I sing poorly. I hate being called "princess". I give everyone a hard time. Worry if I'm quiet around you. What I drive has no importance to me other than gas mileage and safety. I call myself a "windows down kind of gal". If it's cold outside, I like to put on a sweater, turn up the heater on my feet, and drive at 70 miles an hour with all the windows open... music cranked. There are a lot of things I want that I cannot have and a lot of things I have for which I never asked. And, well... I deal. Well? Who knows... I just deal.

art work on your body???

2008-03-21T17:22:00.002-06:00

This

becomes this
becomes this
and this...

Jason Steele- Str8line-254-699-2500

I need a new theme song

2008-02-12T18:58:00.000-07:00

Seriously.

saved or destroyed?

2007-10-27T21:23:00.000-06:00

Ever feel like one moment could break you? But, you take the leap because it could, potentially, be your redemption? I hate making decisions. Either way could come out in your favor and either way could come out tragic. Life changing... and some... minuscule. Minuit, even. Of no consequence. We don't even want to think about the ones that could end us... leave us broken and destroyed. We always hope to be redeemed and saved.

So many things... so many decisions have led me here. How many keep me where I am? How many destroy my future? So many make me... just one could break me. I wish I could predict the one that would be my rescue. I wish I wish I wish. I wish... I could wish, and it were so simple. I want to know the end of me. I want to feel so vulnerable. Anything to feel anything so alive... anything to stop... to stop the repetition.

I hope to be right.

Kelly Clarkson- Sober
And I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely

So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

But I know it's never really over
And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me

So I won't worry about my timing,
I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time

Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands
I left my tears in but I know
It's never really over, no

Wake up

Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am
Three months and it's still harder now
Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months

Three months and I'm still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up
Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

No doubt a person living happy with only one heart lacks oxygen to the appropriate parts of the brain...

2007-10-23T15:30:00.000-06:00

E.E. Cummings. I carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me
(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it
(anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
I fear no fate
(for you are my fate, my sweet)
i want no world
(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

********************************

Who ever said that their life was whole without two hearts? I'd like to meet them. I'd like to methodically break down their idea of happiness. I'd like to know step by step, aspect by aspect how they came to be happy. I would read a 500 page book on happiness minus one heart. I'd like to hear their heart beating alone. No doubt I'd find a murmur... a piece of longing. No doubt they'd end up in tears because there lies a flaw in their plan. Like seeing the sun rise and not caring to see it set... Unfinished.

Who ever said life continues with one heart?

Be Still

2007-10-07T18:59:00.001-06:00

Who says American Idol never produces anything great? Damn them, I say.

Be Still- Kelly Clarkson

Far, away from it all
You and me with no one else around
A brand new start
Is all we need, it’s all we need to mend these hearts
Back to the beginning

Be still
Let it go

Before we lost hope
When we still touched and love wasn’t so hard

Be still
I already know

Foolish one with the smile
You don’t have to be brave
Every time we fall down
But we’re falling from grace
I’ll gladly climb your walls
if you’ll meet me halfway

Slow, slow it down
Why do we run, we’re missing so much babe
Just lay in my arms for a while and...

Be still
We should’ve known

Foolish one with the smile
You don’t have to be brave
I’ll gladly climb your walls
If you’ll meet me halfway
Every time we fall down
But we’re falling from grace
Here’s my hand and my heart
It’s yours to
take

Be still

Don't quote me.

2007-10-07T18:53:00.000-06:00

Begin quote

I don't fake it.

Expression. It's own language. 'Your epression... it's saying something, but I can't read it.'

If he looked long enough. He could.

End Quote

After a long absence...

2007-10-06T11:39:00.000-06:00

It's nice to hit random goal...

this... really... this just in...

2007-09-24T06:32:00.000-06:00

OH gees... been a while. I've neglected my blogging responsibilities. Not to mention many many others. But that's neither here nor there! Anyway, the best way to describe the last few months is to share with you the lessons I've learned...

Lesson 1.

No margaritas. Seriously, tequila... my crazy drink. I'm bound to do anything when drinking tequila. I mean it. Anything. Oh for an example... I'm just thinking on my feet here... an example, say moon border patrol.

Lesson 2.

Two dogs... better than one.

Lesson 3.

Heroes exist. They can be anyone. I used to think that a Soldier was the greatest hero, but that is a direct result of my lifestyle. I've been working for fire fighters for two months now. They sacrifice more than people realize. No wonder people always think they are the coolest... not to mention hottest. I love my job.

Lesson 4.

No amount of dancing is going to quench my desire. I'll never dance enough. I don't "get my fix"... no. I get a ton of dancing one night, and after a day or two or recovery from the blisters on my feet (from a pair of adorably hot shoes), the sore muscles in my legs, and extra sleep... I'm ready to do it all over again. I don't think that will ever go away. But, I'm not quiting. I quit smoking because I new my addiction to nicotine would never be satisfied by one, two, or even ten cigarettes. This is not the case with dancing. I'll continue to boogie my way to closing time, and look hot doing it. I hope the later is true for at least another 10 years.

Lesson 5.

Eban... my best friend. I always knew that she was my best friend. But... not only that... she understands me better than most. And, I think I return the favor. I get her. I can only hope the people she chooses to surround herself with (now that she's moved) grant her the same courtesy of complete understanding, non-judgement, and honesty as I feel I do. Nothing is more sad that a girl that leaves the house for a club wearing an awful outfit. You just know... her friends lied to her.

Lesson 6.

I have a serious shoe problem. Not like, I have every color of flip flops imaginable problem, but like I think about shoes a lot, and expensive shoes. Not cheap ones. I like expensive shoes... peep toe (oh my god), red, black, strapy, green (I need some green shoes), pink, high heal, flats, slides, mules... you name it... I like it. It's beginning to get so bad, I'm going to have to kick my husband out of the closet. He may have to move into the spare room closet.

Lesson 7.

Blogging becomes a ton harder when you work all the time. Sorry for all the blogs I neglected to read. When I have like a moment... I promise to catch up!!

Have a nice day!!!

there are more ways than one...

2007-07-07T09:14:00.000-06:00

... to find my page. Here are a few, in case you ever get lost.

"erased on paper super girl"
OH! Treachery is afoot!

"thread the damn bobbin"
Rouge sewing machine?

"I am a shitty friend"
Now wait just a minute...

"jody bar"
Naturally.

I'm a recruiter

2007-07-05T14:42:00.000-06:00

To anyone who will listen, I blabber on about how cool Nike+ iPod really is... "and you Can challenge each other" "track your progress" "meet your own goals" yada yada... Finally, someone took me at my word and started using Nike+ iPod. You'll notice to your right (and below), I've posted a challenge. First to 100 miles between George and myself. Should be fun... she's lucky, though. She gets runs on Lake Superior and nice breezes. I get gnats in my face on the same old dusty track.

The race is on!

Get traffic to your page!

2007-07-05T12:32:00.000-06:00

Blog the words "Jody Bar" anywhere... and I gurantee your reader count will increase times two! About 31% of my traffic, is from that phrase...

Gee... thanks "Army Wives" for bringing me closer to other spouses that would like to cheat.

Have a great day.

Before and After

2007-06-18T17:57:00.000-06:00

No... it's not the Wheel of Fortune. It's just another project by me!
This took me all day... I'm beat!
Before (well sort of... I already started)

and after...

And now... we fest!

Game over.

2007-06-18T06:28:00.001-06:00

Even though it was a slow week... woo hoo!

Wet... but it ain't sweat!

2007-06-17T09:15:00.000-06:00

People complain about rain often. "We can't go outside to play." "No swimming today." "Damn it's flooding again!"

We have had more than our share of rain. Frankly, I don't know why people only like the sunshine. Maybe in some coastal or northern city sunshine year round would be acceptable. But, here in Central Texas.. I love clouds and rain. It keeps the temperature down. I had a great run today. Most of the way it was just a light sprinkle. But, the last 2 or so miles... it started pouring. It was awesome. I'm soaked. People are looking at me like I'm crazy... and, I'm hauling ass!

Try it.

New addition to the family...

2007-06-15T14:19:00.000-06:00

Meet Lucy, 9weeks old, 14 lbs. already! Just as sweet as she can be...

She loves Zora's bed...

She and Zora get along great. They are already playing together.

She is curious already!
I love my little girls!
Have a great day!

What were you looking for?!

2007-06-13T15:37:00.000-06:00

Someone found my blog by searching:

"Jody Bar" military

I guess I'll have to explain what it is... it's stupid.

"Jody" is a term applied to a guy who hits on a Soldier's wife while he is away.

Example:

Soldier: "What did you do today?"

Wife: "Hung out with Jody."

In other words, she was hooking up with her lover!

Make sense? On my run today, I remembered other things about the show that just aren't right. Like Joan, a Lietunient Colonel (LTC), getting drunk and dancing on the bar (a Jody bar, mind you)... Not very realistic.

Also, humvees aren't supposed to drive through residential areas. In the show they do all the time.

Also, Soldier's don't salute in doors. So, the scene at the military ball where one Soldier stands at attention and salutes a Colonel... not so my friends.

Am I ruining it for you? I am aren't I?

Army Wives... Giving away our secrets!

2007-06-13T06:31:00.000-06:00

There is a lot of buzz about the new series on Lifetime... I have to admit, I've seen both episodes. It's okay... I can't be crazy about it because so much of it is sort of... off. Certain things they do such as... one guy cleaning his gun at home. Yea, they don't bring their weapons home! That is so against the rules. But, I guess that's more "Hollywood".

Then, there's the fact that somehow all these women (and one man) know each other, but none of their husbands (or wife) are in the same unit. Yet, they all manage to be part of the same "FRG" and go to the same ball.

Anyway, that's not my biggest complaint. I mean really! Do you have to give away all our secrets? We like speaking in acronyms and having no one else know what we are talking about! It's our own language and now the website has all of that up for grabs! Dang it! And!!!! One wife was a surrogate mother! Well, dammit I was going to do that this summer, but forget it now!

The "Jody" bar is probably my biggest complaint. I didn't always know what a Jody was... I actually only found out just a few months ago. Why did they need to introduce this in the first episode? It's not like we go around talking about Jodys every chance we get... we actually don't talk about them. At least not the people I know!

I'm not sure how many real Army wives will admit to watching this show.

Anyway...

2007-06-11T11:07:00.000-06:00

Ahhh... it's a hot day. I was running today and have so much on my mind... all about running. It proves challenging at times to put my sporadic thought into coherent sentences.

I was so tired this morning, so, I didn't get out for a run until late. I checked the weather.... and decided to run, even though it read this:

"Not too humid," I thought. So, I planned on 5 miles. I started running... and I felt great. I was singing along, enjoyng passing all the late morning Soldiers doing PT. Then, my iPod decides it's a good time to reset. I hate when that happens. Luckily it saved my run... so, here is the first part of my run this morning:

So... I had to wait for the thing to reboot, and start again. It was a nice little break. I walked in a circle enjoying the luke warm breeze.

During the next four miles, I felt pretty good. The last mile though, was my slowest. The temperature increased a bit, and my body temp was crazy high.

When I got home, I checked the weather again.. since I felt so hot...

Anyway... so that was that. More to come later... I must go.

Goodbye... Tiga.

2007-06-09T06:32:00.000-06:00

Well... Tiga... is gone. She was a sweet kitty, most of the time. She was part "Manx", a fisty breed that has a tendancy to bite. Husband didn't like that... neither do I, however, I wrote it off as one of her personality quirks. Who doesn't like quirks? It's weird to walk into this room and not smell cat litter... nice, but still weird... unexpected. Her food bowls, bed, carrier, litter box.. it's all gone. I'll miss her. Nothing else to say... pictures say it for me...

When Zora was just baby, and when Tiga has a little less "baby" fat.

PS Celeste, please don't kill me. :)

Stat updates

2007-06-07T09:18:00.001-06:00

I thought it an appropriate time for an update of my nike+ stats. If you remember this, then you know I'm awesome...

Current PBs:

Fastest 1K
3'59"
Fastest 1-Mile
6'57"
Fastest 3K
13'46"
Fastest 5K
22'41"
Fastest 10K
47'51"
Farthest Run
8.38
Overall Average Pace 8'04"

Woo hoo! My fastest recorded 5K would have been better had the race this weekend had a more acurate course... oh well. I'll just have to beat it on my own. But, for some reason, I run faster with people behind and in front of me. It's not as thrilling all by one's lonesome.

Widgets

2007-06-07T08:51:00.000-06:00

Those Nike people are always coming up with cool ways to get motivated (yet they fail to make a good running shoe). Now, you can get codes for your favorite goal, challenge, run or profile, and put them on your website or on myspace.

There is more detail here.

I'm having problem with the html on a blog...but, as you can see... it works to the right>>>>

Have a nice day!

You've won... A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF FROZEN CORN!!!

2007-06-06T15:00:00.000-06:00

The weekend that precedes wasn't a particularly fun weekend for us... Saturday, started off good what with a good race on a rainy morning and all.. then, the real fun began.

For the past few weeks, we've had a flea problem. Our dog is over two, and we've never had this issue before, but, she had been getting eaten alive when we finally noticed. So, being the responsible dog owners (oh yea, we have a cat too), I went to Walmart and purchased everything having to do with flea extinction.... powers, sprays, drops, shampoos, supplements, carpet cleaner, house spray, collars... whatever I could get my hands on, really. I'm sure the checkout person what thinking... "ewwwwwe." I know that was what was going through my mind.

So, after about a week of washing every rug i the house (thank god we have wood floors), giving both animals flea dips, flea shampoos, spray, drops, and collars... I thought the problem would be whipped... hell, I sprayed the stinkiest crap on the furniture to kill fleas, adults... babies... eggs... anything.

A few weeks go by, and the cat is still infested. Shit...

So, another dip, more spray, more drops, clean the collar... done, right?

WRONG...

Zora only has a few at this point.. but, they are making babies! And, I can't vacuum enough to keep them from hatching!

So, I decide it's time to "fog" the house. This consists of the following:

1. unplug the frig and stove
2. turn off all gas valves (stove, putting out the hot water heater pilot)
3. turn off the water cooler (I hate warm water)
4. turn off the air conditioner
5. be sure all windows are closed
6. Zora in the backyard and cat in dog kennel in the backyard (she had water and food, and a nice blanket... oh and Zora who is always trying to share toys... through the cage... she's not bright)
7. put several layers of newspaper where we will put the fogging cans
8. start cans as we head towards the door
9. be gone for 2 hours.

So, we went to the grocery store... hence the title... that comes later.

When we returned we had to open all windows and doors to vent, and stay out for 30 more minutes. When we got back... we began the four hour process of washing every rug, blanket, dish, pot, pan, lid, glass, cup, pillow case, sheets... in the house. I mean everything. I can honestly say that I washed all my kitchen ware in one day... some of them were washed twice. ICK. After about an hour of this process, we noticed that we hadn't exactly opened the windows... stupid storm things. We tried.

Anyway... so, that was Saturday. Then, we got drunk, ate pizza... that was fun.

So, back tracking... husband doesn't shop with me very often. And, well, I must say he was quite the patient one. I usually let him pick out the meats, and poultry when we go to the store. I can pretty much zoom through the isles, and get the remaining things we need. Every time husband does shop with me, we always end up with something in bulk. One time (about 3 years ago) it was soup (one case... one flavor). That crap moved with us twice. We only just finished it. Another time, it was pink lemonade mix (about two years ago). We never drink lemonade... much less pink lemonade! I had to toss it because it's not the sort of thing you can buy in bulk... it sours, attracts ants. I think we maybe had two glasses.. and it was mixed with vodka. Hum, that's twice alcohol has come up in this...

Anyway, coming back to the current bulk item... frozen corn. GEEBERS! This is the largest bag of corn ever! Not only do we already have frozen corn at home, it won't fit into the freezer without some serious maneuvering... he could of at least gotten the frozen corn-on-the-cob... it's better. He also got two large bags of broccoli, and mixed veggies. He better start cooking. We are now the shameful owners of a life time supply of frozen corn. If you get a hankering for some corn, please, visit me.

Celebrate Killeen 5K

2007-06-03T09:46:00.000-06:00

Happy Birthday Killeen... 125 years, and you're still one of the smallest towns (but full of people) in Central Texas. This was a last minute entry for us. We decided we needed a race this weekend, and there just happen to be one.

So, up at 5am... bagels, a bit of coffee, and off to pick up our packets. I was exhausted. I couldn't sleep that night, but it was only 3.1 miles... so, I went anyway.

We got there about 6:15am. There weren't many people, and that wouldn't exactly change. I'd say about 150-175 people showed up. Many of the same faces from the Jackrabbit 10K.

About 7am, the rain started... and so, the race didn't start until about 15 minutes later. But, the rain continued. It was a nice drizzle though... nothing hindering. After a short decline, we started a slow incline. Many people that had taken off fast downhill, hit a wall on the uphill. Husband and I took it all in stride. Despite the wet ground (clothes, face, and feet) traction wasn't impared much on the road. After what would be the only hill, another decline. We hit this running hard. At some points on my iPod, my pace read at about 6'30" per mile... nice. I was feeling good. Then, we went through the park... sidewalk. Not as much traction. There was a lot of mud in the path, and water puddles. We slowed a bit. We hit the two mile point at 13'42". We were rolling... however, the course was about 250 meters short. Maybe more. I ended with a time of 20'56". I was happy with it, though. We ran a hard race... and I felt good afterwards with my 1st place age category plaque. 2nd place was the same girl from the Jackrabbit 10K. Husband probably would have placed, but he likes to run with me. The rain didn't stop until about 8:15am, as we sat around waiting for the results. I won a raffle... two free t-shirts and rodeo tickets for that night. I gave the tickets to the 2nd place girl... she has kids. They didn't have anyone taking pictures... so below is all I have. Anyway, that's that!

Dead hair folicles?

2007-05-29T16:40:00.001-06:00

This morning... to my dismay... I found a grey hair in my eyebrow. Luckily, I have enough brown eye shadow to color it in... but, it's only a matter of time. I also have a grey hair in my bangs. I'm too young for this shit.

Also, just now... the freakiest thing happened... I caught a spider making a web in my bangs. I thought I had a spot on my eye or something... then, it moved. I almost broke the keyboard. He was dangling from a piece of silk right before my eyes... literally!

What is it with my hair today?

First the pigment goes and spiders start making homes in my head!?

I think this might be a sign that Armageddon is coming...

Just FYI.

Split personality? What a pain!?

2007-05-21T17:20:00.000-06:00

So, occasionally, as many of you (that's like 2) know, I can get into a drunken rambling, "what the heck is she talking about" state.

I can't be responsible for some of the things I type...

no no, I cannot.

For instance, apparently, "Osiris" was surfing myspace late Friday night, after husband and I had already called it a night. She decided to post a comment on a male friend's picture that read, "I have boob envy. What a shame..."

I don't even know what this means (Yes I do, margaritas are my crazy drink).

He thought I meant him.

Damn you Osiris, god of the underworld!!

Osiris

2007-05-18T20:39:00.000-06:00

My alter ego is drunk...
self-important
righteous
self-loathing

complex and hypocritical

I call her Osiris

I hate Osiris

She's impolite... drunken... impulsive.

I hate her, yet, when she's gone... I miss her. She reminds me of myself... years ago. She wears high heals, low cut shirts, and gives "eyes" to everyone in the room. She demands accommodation. She's a polite, self-important diva.

I fucking hate Osiris...but, dammit, she's fun.

reading? more writing? what?!

2007-05-18T10:24:00.001-06:00

I hate that I am involved with so many TV shows, but I can't help it! I blame DVR (Tivo to the cooler people). Greatest and worst invention ever. I think it's great because you don't have to miss much, especially if you have two TVs, each connected to their own DVR. You will miss nothing. Worst because I watch too much TV!

Gilmore Girls- I've watched almost every season. And, well, it's over... for good. It seems s very unresolved. What's Luke doing about his daughter living in New Mexico (of all places... I'm from there, ick)? So, Rory never sees Logan again? And, just like that, Luke and Loralei are back together? I think they are leaving it open for another year. I wouldn't mind. I love the witty repartee.

Smallville- Holy poop! Holy poo I say! Bizzaro arrives! Is Lana dead (I don't think so)? Is Chloe dead (I think s0)? How will they stop Bizzaro? Will Lionel Die? What about Mrs. Kent? Will she be back next season? So many questions. There wasn't a lot of build up to the finale, but it delivered. I hate that Chloe might might be back though... she was one of my favorites. Lana knows Clark's secret! Whoa! I'm waiting for Supergirl to make an appearance. Hopefully soon... it's rumored that this is their last season.

Supernatural- Can't beat it... Dean Winchester.... oh yea. I can't believe they killed the yellow- eyed demon! I like the show, and not just because of the hotties. It's only in its second season, so, it should be around for a while. They have a lot of demons to send back to hell.

Lost- I'm lost. Probably won't watch next season.

Office- I hope Pam and Jim hook up. I had a dream about Jim last night. Apparently, I find him sexy. I didn't dream about James Franco (last night... I didn't say I never dream about him) or Christian Bale (see above), but this guy.... I don't know his name. Anyway Jan got a boob job, which looks like a real boob job, not just fancy camera work or a good bra. What will happen to Karen? Who knows. Funny show.

House- Getting a bit predictable.

American Idol- I hope Jordan wins. I think Blake should have gone home before Lakisha.

Grey's Anatomy- Kind of annoying... no one will ever b happy! Who the heck is this Casey Grey person?? What the F?!

TV is about to get really boring with all the season finales. So, anyone recommend a movie to get from Netflix?
Okay... I'm going to see if I can find a life tonight (because there is nothing on TV on Friday).

Should I smile more?

2007-05-14T16:23:00.000-06:00

Today, at the gym, I noticed some weird handle things lying in between machines. I stared at them for a while, trying to figure out what they were as I finished three sets of back extensions ( if that's what they are called). I thought about trying them out, but I hate testing exercises at the gym. I feel silly.

I didn't see anyone use them. Then, a person nearly tripped on them. And, I thought, this could end badly. So, being the responsible gym member I am, I decided to scoot them out of harms way. As I did this I looked up. Now, I don't always control my facial expressions. I'm at the gym, I'm sweaty, I don't have make up on, and I'm not expecting people to be looking at me. So, I looked up as I moved the handle things, and I sort of gave a "look" to some "trainer" (I use the annoying quotation marks because I don't know what look I gave, she doesn't look like a trainer). I knew as soon as I looked at her she was going to assume I was giving her a dirty look.

So, I went on my merry way to the water fountain... made my way back to the weight area.

"Why did you move my equipment?" She asked, in a rather nasty tone.

"I didn't see anyone using them, and someone could trip," I replied... trying not to sound hostile.

"We are circuit training and people can just walk around them," even snottier (word, it should be because it defines her attitude).

"Like I said, someone could trip and get hurt," I replied, still as not cranky as possible.

Then, she wanted to re-enact the event... what I did, the look I gave her, and her actions. I was thinking, what the f**k are you doing lady. She's stomping around the gym floor saying, "look, this is what you did, and you looked at me like this..."

People are starting to stare at her, and some guy is laughing at my expression. I remind myself to control my face because I know I tend to look angry without meaning it.

So, just to get this lady to shut up, "The look is your imagination," I said, "I just don't want anyone to get hurt."

It was a bizarre exchange of words. This woman must be in her late 30s and she's concerned herself with what look is in my eyes.

BIZARRE.

So, later, as if I needed to talk about it more, this guy that was laughing earlier, said, "I thought you were going to punch her."

"Really?? Why? Why would I do that?" I exclaimed.

"You looked pissed. You always look pissed," he said. I have seem him around the gym quite a bit.

"I'm not mad at the gym... just focused I guess." I said.

"Well, maybe you should smile more," he said. He seems pleased with this solution.

treading

2007-05-12T11:00:00.000-06:00

The morning seems easy... at least, as though, it should be simple. Singing birds, warm sun, purpose, and a rested head... the makings of a measured up morning. So, why do I tread the morning?

The afternoon... I seem to sink. My arms and legs are tired. My nose strains and barely clears the water. Reveille brings, sometimes, some company. I exit my car, put hand over heart, and feel the afternoon steam blowing on my face. The entirety of Post pauses for a single moment... and I am not alone. Our existences are so similar, but completely complex in their own rights. Even in one household, not one experience shares its likeness. It makes treading problematic.

The evening... a shoulder. A shoulder to rest my head, and all its concerns. A few hours of peace. A few hours when my feet touch the bottom, and the water carries me. A few moments of hair stroking, and sweet kisses. Tonight, every night, I rest on the shore... with sand in my hair, and under my nails.

Rinse... repeat...

because--- well, nothing to say!

2007-05-12T10:34:00.000-06:00

INSTRUCTIONS: Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot, like so.

1) CuriosityKiller
2) Doggy Mama
3) Life Lemons
4) Sunny Side of Life
5) erased onto paper

Next select five people to tag: (if you haven’t done it already)
1) Softball Slut
2) Jeremy?
3) Twinki
and two random ones because I don't know who else to tag!
4) Expecting Flight
5) Dungannistan

What were you doing 10 years ago?

Trying to find ways to ditch school, probably.

What were you doing 1 year ago?

Ummm... blogging a lot. Very sad, and sulking sort of blogging.

Five snacks you enjoy:
1) Chips & Salsa
2) peanut butter on saltines
3) Reeses Cups (one from fancythis)
4) watermelon
5) popcorn (buttered, deathly buttered, and salted)

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:

1) Red Corvette-Prince
2) Tonight- Sara Evans
3) I Need You- LeAnn Rimes
4) Make Yourself- Incubus
5) Look After You- The Fray

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
1) PAY BILLS
2) PAY MAMA's BILLS
3) Go to Grad School
4) Invest
5) Build a big freaking closet for all te Gianni Bini and Kenneth Cole shoes I'd buy

Five bad habits:
1) Biting my nails
2) shoes (But, Honey, there are soooooooo super cute!)
3) sweet tooth
4) my knees and hips see my running as a bad habit
5) laziness after 7pm

Five things you like doing:
1) writing
2) reading
3) running
4) DANCING!!!!
5) shopping for shoes!

Five things you would never wear again:
1) balloon pants
2) socks with sandles
3) tie dyed shorts
4) moo moos?
5) I'm out?

Five favorite toys:
1-5 Husband :)

Jackrabbit Run 4 Hope

2007-05-05T11:21:00.000-06:00

Ahh yes...race day. Here is my report:

Copperas Cove, TX- 73 degrees, cloudy, and humid as hell. It was great running weather.

Distance: 10K (6.2 miles)

Finishing Time: 51'13"

Placed: 1st (female, age group 25-29).

Report:
It was awesome. Matt (pulled a hamstring and couldn't run) and I drove the route the night before to size it up. There was a nice decline at the start, that lead into a steep hill (about 1K long)... Many people passed me up at the gun... but, I caught them because they burned themselves down that first hill. I was one of very few that managed to make it up the very hard climb without walking. I just kept it up as well as I could. I hit 1 mile just under 8 minutes... Mile 2 was more difficult. After that hill, we were atop a nice plateau so most of the next 3 miles was flat. I tried to keep my pace around 8 minutes... and I managed. A young girl (about 15), and an older man (about 60) were right with me through the flat parts of the run. Around mile 4, I grabbed some water, and took a bit in through my wind wipe, causing some choking. I didn't stop; I caught my breath and kept on. However, the runners I stayed with most of the run managed to get some distance between us. In the last kilometer or so there was a very big decline. It was hard pounding down the hill. It hurt! A much lighter woman passed me coming down. I hit the bottom, saw the finish line, and gave it everything I had left over. Boy was I tired.

It was nice to complete that run, and see my time as the winner in my age group. I was only a few minutes behind the overall female at 47'50"... which, ironically, is close to my PB for the 10K (no hills involved).

Now, I just need to work on my hill attack!
Here are some photos courtesy of Matthew.

Coming down the first stretch of road... mile 1

Rounding the first turn... sizing up the competition.

Coming down the last hill...

Heading toward the finish line!

Finally done... dripping wet! It was so humid.

Receiving a medal for 1st place.

and, back at home with my Zora... time for a nap.

perfect rain perfect run

2007-04-23T11:21:00.000-06:00

Just over a 4 kilometers into my run... the rain starts. It's just misting at first, and 1K later, it's a full on sprinkle. The bill of my cap keeps it out of my eyes. But, my soft running capris are soon soaked. Not the heavy sort of soaked... just enough to cause sticking, but not enough to add weight slowing me down.

It seems a sprinkle makes for a very enjoyable run. It stopped by the time I returned home. I couldn't decide whether the weather soaked my undershirt, or sweat did the deed.

I guess I'll never know. Lance Armstrong congratulated me for making the 250 mile mark. He's sweet on me.

Have a good Monday.

Stay

2007-04-18T13:21:00.000-06:00

This song is so pretty. I've never been a fan of Sugarland... but, this is the first song from them that I've really heard how pretty her voice can be... the lyrics are below, and here is their page toget a listen.

"Stay"- Sugarland

I've been sitting here staring at the clock on the wall
And I've been laying here praying, praying she won't call
It's just another call from home
And you'll get it and be gone
And I'll be crying

And I'll be begging you, baby
Beg you not to leave
But I'll be left here waiting
With my Heart on my sleeve
Oh, for the next time we'll be here
Seems like a million years
And I think I'm dying

What so I have to do to make you see
She can't love you like me

Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay

You keep telling me, baby
There will come a time
When you will leave her arms
And forever be in mine
But I don't think that's the truth
And I don't like being used and I'm tired of waiting
It's too much pain to have to bare
To love a man you have to share

Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay

I can't take it any longer
But my will is getting stronger
And I think I know just what I have to do
I know just what I have to do
I can't waste another minute
After all that I've put in it
I've given you my best
Why does she get the best of you
So next time you find you wanna leave her bed for mine

Why don't you stay
I'm up off my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
You can't give me what I need
When she begs you not to go
There is one thing you should know
I don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay, yeah

extensions

2007-04-18T11:12:00.000-06:00

When a civilian hears the word "extensions," what is their first thought? Hair extensions? Tax file extension? Maybe something else... I can't be sure. It's been some time since I've felt like a civilian, even though, technically, I am a civilian.

When the Army community (I'd include the other branches, but this epidemic seems to only be affecting the Army) hears "extension", our response is automatic. We don't think of Paris Hilton and how it's possible for her to have really short hair one day, and long locks another. No, our response is automatic... fear grips, and desperation clings to the back of the throat. We hold our breathe while battalions, brigades, and sometimes, divisions are announced. In some instances... none are announced. This just leaves us thinking of hope. Praying... it's not us, it's not our neighbors, it's no one that we know... that is "extended". Then again, how can we not fret for our "brothers and sisters"? How can we not?

Our response is automatic... tour "extensions". We hate them. They come at the most inopportune time: anytime.

The worst thing about the announcement of "extensions"... is when we hear it on network news. When we haven't been given the respect of knowing before the general public knows... my mom knew before I. This is a serious flaw in the dissemination process. You may, or may not, recall this post last November in which I expressed my excitement for the changes to come. The announcement of "extensions", does not bode well for my attitude towards the Secretary of Defense... no, it does not.

Excitement does not linger. It loiters. It pisses me off. I haven't the official "your husband's unit will deploy for 15 months" confirmation yet so it leaves wanting and waiting once again on my freaking doorstep. It's banging on the door and ringing the bell... it's turning hope into anxiety, and loyalty into regret. It doesn't even wipe its feet! It's inconsiderate. It doesn't lay off when I close my eyes at night and attempt to sleep... it fights the muscles in my eyelids... forces my eyes to roll underneath...

"We don't know... what we don't know." I hate that answer.

my running partner

2007-04-17T11:04:00.000-06:00

Thanks to The Quadrathon, I'm now able to attach my Nike+ data to my page... even though I haven't updated this site in a while. An update is soon to come... what with the announcement of extended tours of duty in Iraq... but, that's another day!

To your left you should see my stats and most recent rus... I've been trying to up my milage lately. I'm sick of the 4 miles a day crap. I never get faster, or gain more endurance. So, the past three weeks have been a freaking blast. I've decreased my speed, by 10 seconds. My longest run is 8miles. Below are some stats that I enjoy the most. Have a nice day!

Personal Best (PB) mile: 7'07"
PB 1K: 4'23"
PB 5K: 22'41"
PB 10K: 47'51"
Overall Average Pace: 8'06"

pictures last longer

2007-04-09T08:37:00.000-06:00

True. Yes... If you live anywhere near Texas... you know it snowed over the weekend. Instead of cute Easter dresses... little girls dawned puffy snow coats. Strange really... it snowed all day Saturday... didn't stop for a second. We must of hit some record for lately snow of the year... or something. Saturday's high was 46... Tuesday's promises to be a least 80. Global warming? I don't know. God playing tricks? Maybe. It's melted, and a mere memory today, but... at least there is this...

Nearly a week later!

2007-04-01T20:50:00.000-06:00

Okay, thankfully, as some (or one) of you may have feared, no one took me seriously.. I mean seriously... I can I take the entire nation seriously if this kid is still on American Idol?? I may have to stop watching. I was upset enough when Taylor won last year. I keep watching in hopes of another Carrie Underwood.

Well, I'm sure to be disappointed once again this Wednesday. Maybe he'll surprise me this Tuesday... or maybe the news people will find something hidden in his past that he lied about and therefore, gets him thrown off the show. I'm going to hell, aren't I?

Sanjaya Malakar

2007-03-28T11:53:00.000-06:00

"Shoot me. Seriously, just shoot me now," Will be my response if he isn't voted off American Idol tonight, and I have to endure another 3 minutes of him next Tuesday. Shoot me.. or maybe, I'll just hit mute.
ICK ICK ICK.

Neon Moon

2007-03-11T17:51:00.000-06:00

It was years ago; I don't recall the exact date.
But, the Memory has never been faint.
I drove my grandfather home from the hospital were my grandmother was having back surgery.
We called her "Grams" or "Gramzee". She didn't like "Grandma". It made her feel old.
We called him "Papa"., though, I know not the reason.

We drove down old Route 66 towards "The Canyon" where Grams and Papa had built their home of 42 years.

The radio was just a whisper as we drove.
He pointed out speed limits as each sign passed.
Informed me of my exit... although I'd turned there hundreds of times.
He was a man of habit, and routine.
"Neon Moon" by Brooks & Dunn hit the FM waves.
Papa loved this song.
He cranked up the dial until it couldn't go any louder. It was deafening.
he leaned back...
the blue sky held his gaze, and he bobbed his head back and forth while tapping his Hands on his thighs...

This is just one memory. Many are running through all of our minds. A true Patriarch, he raised non-biological daughters, and grandchildren, but, he will always be our real father.

Early this morning, Papa passed. Peaceful, quiet, and surrounded by family at home. Circumstances couldn't have been better. No more memories are to be made, only recalled. So, tonight, we'll turn his "Party Lights" on, and worship the Neon Moon for Papa.

realization one

2007-03-07T08:00:00.000-07:00

As husband steps out the door to leave for work... I pull on his arm in an attempt to make him play hooky. I know it won't happen, but it's fun to try. He gives me a "see ya later" kiss, and begins to say "goodbye" in as many languages as he can think of... and two he makes up.
I hiss.
I didn't marry my best friend... but, the man I married became my best friend.

blood lying on my beaten path

2007-03-06T10:32:00.000-07:00

Like any other morning, I set the intended distance on my iPod to 4 miles. Uneventful, are the first 2.4 miles. And, randomly, as if someone threw a rock in the end of my path sending ripples my way, I stumbled and fell like a toddler failing its first steps.
I rolled to my right.
Stun still holding me, I lay for a moment then, quickly check my iPod for damage.
"Someone had to have seen that," I think.
"Get up," I say.
Standing straight, I wince and look at my knee. It's bleeding. There is a pea size, perfectly round, wound on my palm; probably from that damn pebble I tripped on; scraps mark my right leg and arm... my elbow throbs.
"I am going to finish this run," I think.
The next quarter mile hurts, but my blood pressure quickly increases, and it's all numb, so I complete my 4 miles.
400 meters to go, says my running partner.
Blood has dripped and dried on my shin.
300 meters to go...
My pace quickens.
200... 100... finished.
As I walk, I begin to limp. My knee stings. BAD.
Blood is clotted... caked on the largest of the scraps. It hurts.
I can't get home fast enough.
I sit. It stings harder.
I wipe it clean with a wet rag...
I pull out a tiny piece of gravel from my knee.
OUCH.
Don't I feel stupid...

burning calories

2007-03-04T12:48:00.000-07:00

I run into the wind.
I tip my head down to keep my eyes moist.
The wind's pressure on my cap's bill,
adds to the muscle burn.
I take a right.

A gust forces me off the path.
The damp grass slows my pace,
momentarily.
I correct my stumble with a few
beats on the pavement.

The strong breeze smells like artillery fire.

How Many of Me

2007-02-21T08:41:00.000-07:00

Thanks to fancythis, I now know how many of me (both old and new) exsist...

First name + Maiden name:

HowManyOfMe.com

There are:
266
people with my name
in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

First name + married name:

HowManyOfMe.com

There are:
13
people with my name
in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

Santa Fe, NM

2007-02-21T08:16:00.000-07:00

So, over President's Day weekend... we lived it up right. On a trip i just dreaded, we went to Santa Fe, NM to go snowboarding. I was terrified. Completely terrified. Yet, after three lessons... I was able to make it down "Easy Street" a few times without falling on my face. It was a great time. I can't wait to go again. I look like a pro (not really). Here are some photos. Have a good hump day, and rest of the week.

11,000 something feet...

On the ski lift... Matt takes good pictures.
I don't take as good pictures...

On the Ski Lift.

I'm totally a snowboarder now.... sort of.

I watched her drown

2007-02-14T18:23:00.001-07:00

... as if I was watching myself...

I've felt like vomiting all day. How can so little support come from something so valued... so guaranteed? I'm unsure of its rarity, but it seems to be weaving a very ugly and fine web in my head.

Shit... shit on this day.

Thank God for its close.

every angel is terrifying

2007-02-10T12:11:00.000-07:00

She rides the road... streamlined thought process. The mile markers pass, unnoticed. The alternating dashed and solid lines in the center blur. She thinks of unspeakables... she imagines life differently with such unspeakables.

Life with a different mate...

without a mate...

Why must she ponder such shit? Life is no where near unbearable... but restless somewhere in a cloudy tolerable. A peak of her reflection reveals a distant scar on her pupil... which is quickly ignored with a blink. Long has she pondered its approximate appearance, but never found an answer... nor a reason. She chooses to ignore her weakness...

"Fleeting moments in life just seems to show up," she says... to no one. "And disappear just as mysteriously, and expectantly." As if He, hears.

She approaches life with certain torturous expectation.

"Mine is a life of turmoil," she thinks out loud.

She hits the yellow line dividing directions of a two lane highway, and realizes... she has no memory of the last five miles.

She has no choice... it seems. She likes being certain, but Life prefers uncertainty.

Almost home. A reason to rejoice.

"Tonight"

2007-02-09T19:59:00.000-07:00

I love this song. I'm unsure the reason, but it makes me warm. It's a beautiful song... even if you aren't a country music fan. The melancholy lyrics are of comfort... comfort in "the wrong", feeling strangely right. There's something to behold in all its fault... a human being.

"Tonight"- Sara Evans
If I had a weakness
You sure found it tonight
Some hidden desperation
You saw floatin' in my eyes
Moments just like these baby
Wrong can feel so right
And I don't wanna go home tonight
I've held it all together
As long as I can
There's pieces of me fallin'
Right into your hands
And don't the lies come easy baby
When the truth just ain't worth the fight
No I, I don't wanna go home tonight

[Chorus]
So lay me down easy
And hold on tight
And tell me I'm the only one you see tonight
Lonely woman, lonely man
There's just some things only lonely understands

I might be just a sinner
Who wants to be a saint
One justifies the reason
Oh, one understands the pain
And I don't know what's wrong baby
And I sure don't know what's right
But I don't wanna go home tonight

[Chorus]
Click here to hear the song: http://www.saraevans.com/pages/music/restless.htm

Pictures

2007-02-07T08:47:00.000-07:00

Well... well... welll... I'm an ARtist!

Here it is! The outside is made from the back of Matt's BDU top.

Some pictures of the inside; two shirt pockets from the top of Matt's old BDUs.

The tag says, "Handmade by: ", and I'll put my name in. The lining is a very pretty yellow. It matches well.

Show and tell is over.

Sewing machine madness & Nike+iPod

2007-02-06T23:02:00.000-07:00

About... let's say four months ago, my mother-in-law bought me a sewing machine. I wanted it... so, she bought me one. She's good like that...

Anyway, the presence of its "nobs-o-plenty", plugs, pedals, and bobbins galore had successfully intimidated me... that is, of course, until today. I bought a pattern... tons of fabric, thread, needles, and pins, and I just went at it. It took me about an hour to locate a manual online (I lost mine), and then another 30 or so minutes to thread the damn bobbin, but after I successfully stitched together the outside part of the bag... I was psyched (enough to walk across the street barefoot to show my neighbor)!

So, after a long day of bending over the machine of a million stitch designs, I have produced a messenger bag. It was quite an undertaking for a beginner such as myself. But, I must say, I've done quite a job. The best part, you ask? Well, a pretty yellow lining, and one of husband's old BDU (battle dress uniform or better known as fatigues) sets constructs the piece.

Pictures soon.

Next, as the title indicates.. Nike+iPod is a really cool (also really expensive way) to track your running/jogging workouts. What is needed: iPod Nano (any generation), Nike+ shoes, Nike+iPod transmitter/receiver kit. The kit is only about $30, but to get a decent pair of shoes you have to spend at least $ 90. Then, there's the Nano. The cheapest one bought new would be the 2GB,and I believe it runs about $150.00. Luckily, I got most of that for Christmas. :)

So, a small transmitter fits beneath the left shoe of the Nike+ shoe (already cut out holes)... and the receiver goes into the port at the bottom of the Nano. It tracks your pace, distance, and calories burned (based on weight). It doesn't do heart rate... which is probably already in the works. It has male or female voice encouragement (so they call it; all she/he really does is give you a progress update... pace, distance left, etc.). After loading your workouts up to www.nikeplus.com , it displays your whole run on a grid (sort of)... showing you where you slowed down, sped up, etc. Today, I could point out on the grid exactly where the wind started to pick up. It's pretty sweet, and makes me want to run farther each day... and, well that's because the other day when I completed my longest workout today (using the Nike+ system), Lance Armstrong congratulated me! Seriously, here I am, huffing and puffing, and in my ear I hear, "Hi, this is Lance Armstrong. Congratulations, you've just completed your longest workout yet!" It was cool. I'm waiting to see who will congratulate me next... that's a tough one to beat.

If you are interested, I'm "MrsMcGraw" on nikeplus.com. I think you can see my stats.

Idiots, please raise your hand so I can see you... clearly.

2007-02-05T08:53:00.000-07:00

*Vanessa raises hand*

So, we just finally got into the Netflix thing... and, well, we got our first movie... watched it... then, I got all excited... ohhhhhh, let's pop it in the mail now so we can get another movie! WOO HOO!

That would be great and all... if I hadn't put the wrong damn DVD in the return envelope.

*Vanessa lowers hand in shame*

Nature took a shower.

2007-01-19T09:33:00.000-07:00

Last night, I slept with the Rain. Its patter beating an open window and cool breath tickling my nose. I had the most peaceful sleep of these weeks past. Although, husband was not here, and the bed is not my own, I was still calm. I did not wake to use the restroom or toss and turn in search of comfort. I just slept.

Yet, once again... I find myself missing husband. Longing for his weight opposite my side. Dreaming of his heavy breath at my back... or in my face. It is a sweeter sort of missing. For he is not 7,000 something miles away... only 600. Still in the same state... still in my calling network. I can pester him all day with questions, I love yous, or just listen to him breath as he watches TV. Or, as I have done, I can imagine him in his habitat... OUR habitat... searching for something easy to eat, playing with Zora, or just reading... in OUR bed. Although, I'd rather be home, this feeling of sweet longing is just fine for now.

In the daylight, as I close the window, the remains of last night's water still lay on the seal, resisting overwash by today's continuing downpour.

Time doesn't fly... it travels at mach 3.

2007-01-17T09:38:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone... I've been gone. I know... forever. I'm sure all two of you are very disappointed. Anyway... The past month has been more than hectic. Where shall I begin my story? I'll start with Dec. 19... the last night I spent at home, comfortable.

Matthew and I left home Dec. 20 for Austin. We stayed at my friend's house... for this sake, we'll call her "E". We left our loving puppy, Zora, in her stead. The next morning we got on a plane and headed for Maryland. The weather was mild, and the company was good. We stayed mostly with K, Matt's mommy. Christmas was pleasant, and the gifts were generous. (Matt gave me an iPod Nano 8G... woo hoo). Jessica made a wonderful dinner of Cornish game hens, sweet potatoes (as well as regular potatoes), bread, green beans, and caramel pie. I don't have any pictures of this yet... I forgot my camera. Curses.

Matt got a gift card for Nike+ shoes, and the kit. For those of you unfamiliar with Nike+... Here's a quick breakdown.
You need: Nike+ shoes, Nike+ iPod kit, and an iPod nano.
How it works: A microchip transmitter goes underneath the sole of your Nike+ shoe (it's got a special cut out for it), and the receiver goes into the bottom of your iPod nano... this tracks your running or walking pace, distance, and time. At the end of your workout you can load your info up to nikeplus.com, and basically keep a running log without really having to do anything except run. It's pretty cool. I've got the same set up.

Hopefully, this will improve my running speed, and efficiency.

Well... while we were in Maryland, we decided to visit the capitol, Annapolis (you know the movie with the extra hottie)... anyway, we went to the capitol building:

MattHere's the back of the Capitol.I'm there.... look closer.... no, closer!
And here's their pretty Christmas Tree.And, we spent some time overlooking the Chesapeake Bay:
Matt again
And me.Then, we visited the Naval Academy... it was pretty cool. Here are a few pictures:
A giant anchor.
A sunset over a football field (one of many).
Me on the campus.

So, that brings us up to Dec. 29... We are headed for Minnesota now!

First, our original flight out of Baltimore was canceled... and we rerouted. We had only 50 minutes to make the 30 minute drive to the airport, and deal with a rude counter person, get through security, and to our plane. Luckily, we made it just in time. We flew on one of those planes that only has two seats on one side, and one on the other... the whole way to Minneapolis. Scary. It was cool though. We made it okay.

We stayed in Minneapolis that night, and headed for Hastings, MN, for the annual McGraw Holiday Party. The theme was "Red, White, and Blue" in honor of several of Matt's uncles serving in the Armed Forces, and Matt's return home to the states. Here are a few pictures from that (Matt has a huge family... his Dad is one of 12).

Uncle Greg and Matthew.
Uncle Mick and me, and Uncle Marc in the back.
Cousin Danny, Uncle Mick, Aunt Marj, and Emily (Danny's to-be bride).
Many of the aunts.
I look drunk... but I'm really not.
Conga line with some aunts and second cousins.
Some uncles and one cousinn.
So, I was drinking a little.
Aunt Katy and Matthew.

So, that's all the pictures I have of that. The next day we drove down to Mankato, MN. It was snowing like crazy. That night Mankato got 10 inches of snow. It was crazy! Here are a few pictures from the drive:

We spent one day sledding, and many other days relaxing. One day I was really sick, and didn't leave the house... or bed for that matter. But, all in all it was fun. Here are some pictures:

My borrowed snow get-up.

Being silly.

Being sillier.

Being silliest.

Pretty half-frozen pond.

Hey, the clothes aren't all mine, alright?

Here I go...

There I went... eating snow.

Matt, face first... brave.

Some of my camera work.

More.

Me and Matthew with a frozen lake behind us.Here are some more pictures from family gatherings.
Me and Blake. He loved me. Matt was jealous. I was planning on keeping track of how many times someone asked, "Are you pregnant?" or "When are you two having kids?"

Us and Grandpa, the icon of the family.
Uncle Steve, Matt, and Grandpa.
Blake.

After this... we headed home... where our luck began. We arrived home to an anxious dog, and a flat tire. We spent two hours waiting for our flat to be fixed; we had a nail in the tire. We then, drove to the kennel to drop off our doggie... poor baby, and then made the rest of the way home to our house. We spent one night at home, and drove to El Paso to see my mom, grandparents, and my sister and her family. This would be great... if I hadn't broke a tooth.

Then, the day after we got here, we were rear-ended. The bumper is smashed, and muffler beyond repair. We never saw the guy who hit us... it was rush hour traffic, and he/she/it rushed away. So, Matt made his way home this past Saturday (sort of... it took him 12 hours), and I'm still in El Paso, waiting for our car to be repaired so I can drive home... alone.

Now, with my tooth... apparently... it was already weak, and needed a root canal, which I got yesterday. I'm just stuck here. I'm drying out because it's so darn dry here.

But, that's the end... Anyway, I'll catch up on your blogs just as soon as I can.

Have a lovely week!

La la la la la la lovely

2006-12-10T17:15:00.000-07:00

As I'm picking up husband (I like that... I think I'll keep calling him that) from work one day last week, and we are casually talking about how many of the other Soldier's sit around counting the ways their wives can be bothersome, he says...

"I've got it made." This surprises me. So, naturally, I ask, "What do you mean?"

"Well, honey, you can mow the lawn, and keep a household together, including the 'male responsibilities', and you don't pester me about a 'honey do' list."

I thought to myself, "Me too."

Later, at a fabulous dinner of orange roughy, zucchini, and brown rice, husband says it again...

"I mean it honey... you pack for me, make me dinner and lunch, and I never run out of clean underwear. It's great."

So, I speak up.

"You know... I've got it made also. I love that we both know that."

Life these days requires all women, married or not, to be as independent as possible. This includes being able to mow the lawn, put gas in the car, clean up dog poop, and yes, kill a bug or two (I'm still working on the last)... all the while we've got to keep up with the so called "female duties" of cooking and cleaning. The military lifestyle requires an extra amount of individualism from its spouses. Yes, I'm married to the military. Even though I can keep it cool, and calm... and may appear indifferent... maybe I don't need husband, but God do I want him.

our new furniture

2006-12-06T08:41:00.000-07:00

Ahhh... domestication. Odd is the moment when a girl realizes she'd rather get a good set of serving dishes rather than a new iPod for Christmas... it's similar to going from the juniors department to misses... yes, cha cha cha changes!
Here is our new table.... yay!!!
And here is our new bedroom furniture... yay!

We also bought a new mattress set... can't wait until all that stuff gets here. I think I'm going to sleep 100% better on a new mattress. Woo hoo!

Have a nice day.

Hola

2006-12-04T10:37:00.000-07:00

Hello all! I know, I know... there are few that read my blog... and it doesn't help when I just disappear!

Well, there hasn't been a ton going on; just a lot of married couple relaxation.

First, we were supposed to be in El Paso for Thanksgiving, but that fell through. Thanks to an unnamed person, Soldier's that just returned home were unable to leave a 150 mile raidus restriction. Silly... I know. But, it was what it was... so, we were bummed about not seeing my mama. So, instead we went to my sister's house in Austin. That was fun. They have a little niece staying with them for a while. She's so adorable, and completely in love with my husband. See...

Anyway, so after that we just chilled out. My mom decided to make a last minute trip here. She was here over the weekend. We had a good time. We went furniture shopping. Matt and I bought a new dinning room table set, and a matress set yesterday! I can't wait to get it. I can't believe we have to wait 2 weeks. POO. We are hoping to find a bedroom set we like this week. I will have a lot of furniture moving to do before all of that arrives. I can't wait to rest my head on our new matress... I hate the one we have. I never sleep well.

Anyway, I wish I had something interesting to add... but I don't. But, I haven't forgotten about you all!!!!!! I'll write more soon.

Pictures...

2006-11-19T08:01:00.000-07:00

As life returns to normal... and the temperatures drop (hopefully... soon), I'm excited for the coming months of vacation. We'll go from cool to cold to freezing in a matter of 18 days. Anyway, here is a few pictures of when husband came home.
They came in the door that all the purple heart vets are facing. The lights went out though, and the "DJ" blew smoke from his little smoke generator thing... so, pictures were pointless.

This is Lois, our Lieutenant Colonel's wife, and our welcome home banner for 1st Brigade.

And, of course, us... I look a little crazy, crazy in LOVE!!

Thanks for all the "welcome home" messages from you guys. It's amazing to me that people I don't even know have interest in my life. Thanks so much.
Have a nice day! We are off to watch football at our local sports pub... and that is how you know life is back to normal!

recollection

2006-11-17T08:13:00.000-07:00

Ahh yes, I remember this...
I remember the feel of his steaming breath on my neck at night. I remember how incompatible we are with our sleeping arrangements. I remember how he scoots closer and closer to me at night with his head on my chest, and I inch closer to the edge of the bed.
I remember.
I remember how it used to feel like a three ton elephant shared the bed. When he breathed in, I'd prepare myself for a "morning breath" of humid air on my chest... like Chinese water torture. I remember how eventually, I would wiggle him onto his back so that I could get some rest.
He remembers too. See... this is nonnegotiable in his book. He needs to be next to (on top of) me at night, and I need my space.
So, as I drift to sleep, I stroke his hair in remembrance of this pesky little thing called love.
I kiss his forehead,
and,
I
give
in.

pictures! don't get excited... it's just my yard.

2006-11-14T16:25:00.000-07:00

Well, my house is clean, the yard is clean and decorated, Zora got a bath, the cat box got cleaned, the fridge is stocked, the sheets are washed, the lawn is mowed, the car is vacummed and full of gas... is there anything else? Oh yea, I better get in the shower and start the grooming ritual!! For by this time tomorrow, my hubby and I will be watching the sun set on our year apart... Our lives becomes "Our Life."

Here are a few pictures of what Matt will see when he gets home. I'll take some of the welcome home ceremony, and post them when I come up for air. ;)

Here's what Matt will see when we round the block towards our house... see Zora in the yard... she will have a t-shirt on. I'll post pics of that another time.

Here's what he will see when we turn the corner...

and what's in his face when we enter the driveway...

Here is what our Service Star Flag looked like on the day I put it up...

and one year later when I will take it down...

Well, that's all I've got for now. Stay tuned!

Tagged by Trish

2006-11-14T10:38:00.001-07:00

And for my short break of busy busy today... here is a lot of the same, some of the new... ENJOY! i'm off to do cup art... which will later be blogged. Stay tuned.

1. What is your current age - 26

2. When is your birthday - October 13

3. Nationality - melting pot American

4. Do you have any pets - 2- Tigalilly- kitty 5 years; Zora- puppy almost 2 years

5. Sexuality - straight? is that what this is asking?

6. What colour is your hair- dark brown with a hint of red

7. What colour are your eyes- brown... Matt calls them "pretty doe eyes". I think that means I look like a dear.

8. What ethnicity are you - Irish and German with a hint of Mexican

9. Favourite music - country mostly

10. Favourite films - ummm... Amerie is my favorite of all time, thus far.

11. Dating Status - happily married, and soon to be happily together!

12. Favourite book - I'm a big fan of VC Andrews (or at least I used to be) and Chronicles of Narnia

13. Favourite tv show -Smallville, Heroes, New Adventures of Old Christine, Grey's Anatomy, Without a Trace

14. Dream man - Matty

15. Dream woman - ummm... me

16. Can you speak any other languages - sign language, and some spanish

17.I was tagged by Trish. I am tagging fancythis, and twinki.

Priceless Picture

2006-11-14T09:56:00.000-07:00

I received the official call that Matthew is on a plane bound for me!
A Picture Worth 1000 Million Words.
We truly take a lot for granted. Forget the football "heroes" and movie "stars". Pass this on so that all may know the price of freedom.
Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you,
Jesus Christ and the American Soldier
One died for your soul;
the other for your freedom.

How can you NOT PASS this along, we all send dozens of jokes.

obviously

2006-11-14T00:42:00.000-07:00

Google:

insomnia kills

I pop up... yes, and it's 1:42am.

Naturally.

waiting to hear the best words, and waiting to breathe

2006-11-12T20:49:00.000-07:00

I had a dream... I had a dream about my wonderful husband... It was lovely. I won't go into the details; you don't want to imagine them. I woke, and I swear, just as the sky is blue, I heard Matthew say, "Hey Hon?"

Two words that didn't carry very much weight.

"Hey Hon?" As if he were looking for his brown socks, phone charger, or shoe polish.

Words that have more of a hidden meaning than "I love you." Words that let you know... all is normal, or, as it should be, at least.

"Hey Hon..." as he begins a sentence that ends with his adoration of my "pretty little doe eyes."

Oh how I've missed the every day of love life... the every day ordinary...

"Hey Hon... do I have any clean shorts?"

When he says "hey hon," I can feel, with the breath he takes before speaking, how much he loves me. And, I am thankful.

"Hey Hon..." And we've picked up... like we never "left off".

"Hey Hon? Want some popcorn?" "...let me get you some coffee." "...what's my mom's telephone number?" "...does the car have gas?" "...want to go to a movie?" "...I love you."

Two words that didn't used to carry much weight... words I'd pay to hear.

"Hey Honey... I'm home."

EDIT:

I am so close... I am so close to all of the previous joys I have missed dearly. I am so close that sometimes, I almost breathe deep, and sigh out my worries. Then, I go to Today In Iraq, a frequent read, and the fear comes, and the tears come. The tears come because, I don't know where he is...? I have no idea... he could be in Baghdad, Ballad, Kuwait, or... he could be flying over the ocean, sleeping soundly and safely... on his way home. But, I can't lose sight... I can't lose sight of what is truly at stake... I must not... I waste not.

What I feel right now... is the worst feeling. It's as if my veins might explode... this feeling comes within a singular moment. Sometimes it happens everyday... sometimes it's only every three days... sometimes it's on the hour... it's completely fucking random. It's that moment when a person imagines the worst. And, I can't stop it. Only seeing his signature "I'm in uniform" walk off that bus and into my arms... will quiet the beast that beats just beneath my skin, and behind my eyes, enveloping my heart.

I am an American.

2006-11-11T12:28:00.001-07:00

If you can read this, thank your teacher.If you can read this in English and speak freely about it, thank a veteran!!!! Today, Please remember those who have made the sacrifice for you.

A Million Tears

2006-11-09T22:04:00.000-07:00

When the beast that is insomnia beats me to a pulp of barely recognizable matted hair, I find myself sifting through the Internet. Into the wee hours of the night my eyes, open or closed, inhale enormous amounts of information. On occasion, I come across content that doesn't resemble poo.

But that is not the point... as I do this, I set Windows Media Player to random. It's actually a great thing because I have something short of 4,000 music files on my computer, and only a 1GB memory card for my MP3 player... so, it's quite logical to say I don't hear most of this music often. So, I'm reminded of oldies... not really old music, but music that doesn't fit into my workouts, so it's not on my player. I came across this song...

I remember how I cried to it when hubby first left for Iraq. Her different style and voice are both interesting and different... refreshing even. I don't like her "Pretty Enough", but there are many of her songs I enjoy...

Without further delay... I wait to sleep.

A Million Tears- Kasey Chambers

take my hand
break my stride
make me smile
for every time I've cried

hold my heart
in the palm of your hand
don't listen to it breakin'
just listen to the band

do you wanna ride in my car
it's parked out on the street
or just stay with me a while
before I fall asleep

take these tears
wash your skin
I'm havin' trouble breathin'
since you walked in

my hands are tied
my head is reelin'
my eyes have cried
a million tears
from wishin' you were here

all my life
I've welcomed pain
I've made up more excuses
to bring it back again

now I'm here
and I'll drink to the shame
I'll drink to the madness
that made me this way

my hands are tied
my head is reelin'
my eyes have cried
a million tears
from wishin' you were here

take these tears
wash your skin
I'm havin' trouble breathin'
since you walked in...

"We preserve democracy; we don't practice it."

2006-11-09T16:48:00.000-07:00

I just caught a welcome home ceremony on TV from Fort Carson. It's nice to see what I'm in for, and also, it's a sad wake up call. All the news can talk about is how 4ID Soldier's have been told to be ready to return to Iraq next Fall. I've tried so hard not to focus on this fact...

The Army... We are not part of regular society... we can vote... but have little say in what happens with our life. I'm so scared, and a bit excited, to see what changes will be made in the Secretary of Defense sector, as well as Congress.

Will they be beneficial? Or, detrimental. I don't know. We'll see...we will see. At the end of the broadcast, the reporter quotes an old saying, "We preserve democracy; we don't practice it."

Sad, but true.

I just want him home.

11million bottles of ACETAMINOPHEN recalled

2006-11-09T11:17:00.000-07:00

A recall of a common pain reliver, acetaminophen, has been enacted by the distributors Perrigo. I have a bottle of "Equate, pain reliever", from them... Although my bottle is not listed under the batch numbers being recalled, Walmart is listed as one of the distributors affected. You might want to check out this story.

http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/D/DRUG_WARNING?SITE=7219&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT&CTIME=2006-11-09-09-21-14

November? Seriously?

2006-11-09T00:00:00.000-07:00

I can't believe this is near its end.

I've told myself, "You will not cry."

This is like telling your kid not to ask for toys when you go to Walmart... or getting through an entire talk show without a crack made at the President, or a rambling about how Brit and K Fed's split was so "unexpected".

Who am I kidding? I cry during Summer's Eve commercials when (fake) mother and daughter have a heart-warming discussion about their "freshness". I cried when Bobby on The Biggest Loser reunited with his family tonight!

The flood waters are coming... I just hope they don't last too long... I just hope Matt will get to the front of the line, rather than the back like last time... I just hope "reintegration" is as easy as can be... I just hope he doesn't have to go again... I just hope he gets home okay... I guess... I can only "just hope" for one thing.

I'm fucked...

haha... really fucked. Oh justice... how sweet you feel.

Nighty night.

TV sucks on Tuesdays

2006-11-07T21:21:00.000-07:00

Tagging Trish, and fancythis. That's all... I don't have many friends. :(

1. Things that scare me: I'm frightened of this so immensely, I can't type them.

2. People who make me laugh: Matthew :)

3.Things I hate the most: I hate that I love peanut butter so unnaturally.

4. Things I don't understand: how people can complain about one thing, and then turn around and do that very same thing???

5.Things I'm doing right now: blogging... duh. That's it... I just got through working on Matt's Welcome Home banner.

6.Things I want to do before I die: I'd like to meet my gret grandkids... have a honeymoon. The later is less likely.

7.Things I can do: I can read.... oh oh oh AND write. I'm so cool.

8. Ways to describe my personality: Ummm.... I don't know... I guess most people find me charming, but when I'm alone in the dark, it overcomes me sometimes.

9. Things I can't do: I can't not care.

10.Things I think you should listen to: Rogue Wave... they are pretty good. And, your mom when she says, "One day, you'll miss me." It's true.

11. Things you should never listen to: ME. :) But, you should read me. :)

12.Things I'd like to learn: I'd like to learn how to use my darn sewing machine.

13.Favorite Foods: Peanut butter. Were you not paying attention?

14.Beverages I drink regularly: water, coffee, chi tea.

14a. Beverages I'm trying not to drink regularly: well, I stopped drinking soda a long time ago. I had to try to do that.

15. Shows I watched as a kid: X-Men, Spiderman, Punky Bruster, Gargoyles, others.

16. Persons I am tagging: Trish, fancythis

short and sweet

2006-11-07T19:59:00.000-07:00

Those of you that know me, know I have a huge obsession with everything SUPERMAN... or SUPERGIRL (I prefer "woman", but whatever). Supergirl underwear (let me check... yup, wearing some now), Supergirl PJ shorts, Superman tees, refrigerator magnets, notepads (thanks Trish), air freshers in the shape of the Superman and Supergirl emblem... the house of El... okkkkaaayyy... Anyway, the point is, I love Superman. Smallville.... greatest! I love Tom Welling... oh man. But, I have a serious crush on Michael Rosenbaum, Mr. Lex Luthor himself. So, most would see this, and think maybe it's an isolated incident. Maybe she's not a science fiction fan... just a fluke!? Nope... Chronicles of Narnia... what great books (and movie... even though they started on the SECOND book). I love vampire movies, the X-men, Batman, and the like. Anyway, what's my point? Well, I've discovered (well, I didn't discover it), a new show called Heroes. It's sooooo good. If you haven't seen it, and even if this sort of super hero theme isn't your bag, you should watch it. It's so good. Now, in my search for a Heroes site, I came across a MySpace fansite for the show, and thus discovered Rogue Wave. The song below is on my MySpace site. (note: the name of my MySpace is "supermcgraws"... okay?) Below are the lyrics to said song, called "Eyes". Short and sweet. Check them out; they have some other great songs on their page.

Rogue Wave- Eyes

missed the last train
home birds pass by
to tell me that im not alone
well im pushing myself
to finish this part
i can handle a lot
but one thing i'm missing
is in your eyes

(chorus)
in your eyes
in your eyes
in your eyes

have you seen this film
it reminds me of walking
down the avenue
well im washing my hands
of attachments,
yeah i will land on the ground
but one thing i’m missing
is in your eyes

(chorus)

PS My husband also shares this obsession over Superman with me... which is why we were made for one another... See picture. :) That artist drew our bodies so realistically................

Google, are you trying to tell me something?

2006-11-07T14:34:00.000-07:00

Google directed someone to my page that searched (when they were obviously upset):

shitty friends

Google, have I pissed you off? Or, is God trying to tell me something, and using you as an avenue?

Pardon Me

2006-11-07T13:29:00.000-07:00

Well, surprisingly, the last week has flown by quickly. I can only hope the week to follow... will run past with the same intensity. I've been busy. Busy trying to finish all the projects I started last year. They are as follows:

1- A massive scrapbook chronicling the year Matt has been away... vacations, birthdays, holidays, and sadly, one death. It's called, "While You Were Away". I can't take credit for the title. It was Jayel, my sister's, idea. It's seriously large. I only have a few pages to finish. I still need those Halloween pictures from Jayel of her boys, Aidan and Bobby. Then, I just have the homecoming pictures to include. He doesn't know about it yet, and I hope he likes it.

2- Another scrapbook that covers those 15 magical days in July and August while Matt was home on R&R. Here is the last page:

What do you think? it's actually my favorite part of the projects because it didn't take very long, and it's all pictures of me, Matthew, and family. We had a ton of fun those 15 days.

3- A book that contains every email (minus the angry ones) Matt wrote me the last year. That one is sort of vanilla, but it's cool too. I'll have to print out every email I wrote him (minus the duplicates), and make a book... but, that is another huge project. He has saved them all, but that is going to take some time. He also has all the cards I've sent him... and others have sent... oh wow, now I'm just piling work on.

4- A welcome home banner. I have a sheet washed, and just waiting to be painted. That is this weeks task.

I still have to make sure the house and car are clean, the yard looks good, give Zora a bath, plan meals, grocery shop, and make arrangements to sleep on my side of the bed again. Oh bother! I better get back to work, eh?

Have a lovely Tuesday!

I love my SIGO

2006-11-02T22:12:00.000-07:00

...that is all...

my eyes are bleeding

2006-11-02T21:00:00.000-07:00

Red, hot, fierce tears.

and another one

2006-10-30T22:08:00.000-07:00

Since insomnia is the name of the game... and being that I've had a VERY emotional day, I need a moment. A moment to pause, to reflect... to remember.

Yes, I await the way those blue eyes look grey when he's in uniform. I hold my breath until I see his grey patch of hair step off the bus, and into the gym. I can spot him from a mile away. I can smell him.

perception can become reality

2006-10-30T21:31:00.000-07:00

Why can't I verbally express that which is contained in my head? Why are my fingers so much more eloquent? Why must I strike these keys with such consistent effficiency? It seems, a curse. The trembling in my voice does nothing to quell the aching desire to exclaim what I feel. Nothing. I can't hide a thing in my eyes, but my quaking nature confuses you. I confuse me... I confuse all. I'm so easily susceptible to apologies. I'm sucked in with one break in speech, with one pause for concern, or sincerity. I'm so thrown... I'm so eager.

I'm so completely... confused. I'm exhausted. I'm torn. I will forever be learning, and being taught lessons. Life leaves nothing out, eventually. I will never stop changing the way I adapt, and grow. How could I? Impossible.

Don't shut me out... Lord, please, don't let me be shut out.

Nada Surf- Inside of Love
Watching terrible TV
It kills all thought
Getting spacier than
An astronaut

Making out with people
I hardly know or like
I can't believe what i do
Late at night

I wanna know what it's like
On the inside of love
I'm standing at the gates
I see the beauty above

Only when we get to see
The aerial view
Will the patterns show
We'll know what to do

I know the last page so well
I can't see the first
So i just don't start
It's getting worse

I wanna know what it's like
On the inside of love
I'm standing at the gates
I see the beauty above

I can't find my way in
I try again and again

I'm on the outside of love
Always under or above
Can't find my way in
I try again and again

I'm on the outside of love
Always under or above
Must be a different view
To be a me with a you

I wanna know what it's like
On the inside of love
I'm standing at the gates
I see the beauty above

Of course I'll be alright
I just had a bad night

I hate coming up with titles

2006-10-29T18:42:00.000-07:00

Soooo... not long now. Only about 15 days... sweet, sweet order.

Anyway, went out last night with Trish and friends. It was costume night at the local Grams in Austin. Batman hit on me... he didn't pull off the tights very well. I told him there was a height requirement for this ride. Ha... I love that one. I can't even count how many times "some guy" said, "Wow, you're tall." or "I love a tall woman." I have various responses to this line. Such as: "Um, really? I hadn't noticed (walks away)." "And, you're short, please go away." or, my personal favorite: "It's an optical illusion."

Well, I've decided that going out on time change night is not a good plan. That extra hour of drinking.... not fun, and just a bad idea all around. It increases the intensity of the phenomenon known as "the hangover."

Pumpkin fun

2006-10-27T12:06:00.000-06:00

I carved some pumpkins last night... but, this one takes the cake. I didn't carve... I only wish I had.

I've been tagged!!

2006-10-27T10:39:00.000-06:00

So... Ms. Trisha tagged me... so here goes... a bunch of stuff you don't want to know, really.

1. Explain what ended your last relationship? bad timing... oh, and me being a crazy-in-love woman

2. When was the last time you shaved? a few days ago... before that... I can't even remember

3. What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.? sleeping

4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago? messing with my new sewing machine.. I'm so domestic

5. Are you any good at math? why yes, I am.

6. Your prom night? I went with a guy that spent lots of money on me, and I didn't even kiss him... then, I went and hung out with my "friend" later. We slept in his car in front of my house. I still had that rose perfectly placed in my hair when I woke.

7. Do you have any famous ancestors? People aske me everyday if I'm related to Tim McGraw... no.. okay... NO! Other than that, I have no idea.

8. Have you had to take a loan out for school? hasn't everyone?

9. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace profile? Yes... It's Ache, by James Carrington. Thanks to Jeremy, I already have the lyrics, and didn't have to go searching for it after watching Smallville.

10. Last thing received in the mail? Junk, like everyday.

11. How many different beverages have you had today? Just coffee, and water.

12. Do you ever leave messages on people’s answering machine? Always, and I hate then they call back without checking.

13. Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to? I saw Easy E in concert when I was 13.

14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach? Doesn't everyone?

15. What’s the most painful dental procedure you’ve had? A root canal one day, and worse, another the next day on the tooth above the other.

16. What is out your back door? A barking dog, and bunch of her poo. I gotta clean that crap... ha ha crap.

17. Any plans for Friday night? cleaning up Zora's poo, apparently.

18. Do you like what the ocean does to your hair? I like what the ocean breeze does to my hair... but I hate when my hair is all salty. It's long... and two feet of hair with salt water... ICK.

19. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different popcorns? Ha, my Grams used to have them at Christmas time.

20. Have you ever been to a planetarium? Yes... in fact.. it's a great date night thing. I'm taking Matt there when he gets back.

21. Do you re-use towels after you shower? I reuse the previous days towel for my hair.

22. Some things you are excited about? I don't even think I need to answer that.

23. What is your favorite flavor of JELLO? I don't know... strawberry is always good bet with me.

24. Describe your keychain(s)? A dog tag with this symbol on it. It's Matt's unit crest.

25. Where do you keep your change? In a change purse, and in the strawberry cow in my kitchen.

26. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people? The last time was a poetry reading in El Paso, I'm sure.... oh wait... I gave a presentation on how horrible smoking can be to your health in May.

27. What kind of winter coat do you own? One long wool coat, and a wool pea coat.

28. What was the weather like on your graduation day? HOT.

29. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed? Closed... can't have Zora walking around on the wood floors... drives me crazy.

Okay, done.

BOO!

2006-10-27T10:34:00.000-06:00

Another strange way to find my page...

Go to Aol.com and search:

halloween foreshadowing read aloud

... I wonder what this person was really trying to find...

Weird.

I'm not real... I'm unreal.

2006-10-24T22:22:00.000-06:00

I don't know what to blog about. I'm coming up empty... that's never fun. I have several of the same-ol' same-ol' topics on my brain, but they just won't do. No, I need something fresh... something new. I need to wash my hands of the ugliness following me. I need to apply moisturizer. I need rub them dry, and place my rings on their respective fingers, and smell the freshness of the lotion... instead of the pungent old greasiness clinging beneath my nails.

I could blog about all the rain today... steady, smelly... BORING.

I could say how Mary left... that's just the same-ol' sad. Maybe some other time.

I could say how three weeks might as well be three months... he's still not here... but, see above.

I could say that I fear the disruption of quiet I have endured. I do not anticipate it's fleeting nature. The chattering of pictures that hang on the walls is familiar, and comforting. The jet powered hum of the AC as it stops and starts lets me know I'm home. I couldn't imagine being away from home for a month... a year? Oh never. I leave for a week, and I get crabby. I love home. I love home especially when home is home.

Home will be home... soon. OH there I go again... the same-ol' sad.

I'm just waiting.

death and the upcoming

2006-10-17T21:11:00.000-06:00

So many things seem difficult... mundane activities... everyday activities. Then, an activity comes around, that may only happen once a year, once every three years, or something that comes sporadically, and pray will ne'er return. I rightfully claim to be emotionally drained. This time of year used to be my favorite. The leaves should be changing; the weather is cooling; my birthday; Halloween; Thanksgiving... so many great events. The leaves aren't changing, the weather is barely cooling, my birthday sucked ass, and who knows how the others will turn out. My husband is on his way home so soon... but, there is so much sadness around me right now making it impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

This weekend I attend the wake and funeral of one Magdalen Gosch, wonderful Grandmother, snappy card player, and one sassy woman. She went peacefully, for which we are all thankful, but these times can't help but be sad. I can't even imagine what my mother-in-law, and her siblings are going through. To lose ones mother... I can't even contemplate without my eyes bubbling and burning with salty tears. I can't imagine this world without my mother.

I sit here, crying through the words. I have to cry now... I can't break down there. I must be the rock, the hard place for which to lean. I need my rest for I will be in Minnesota by tomorrow night.

Also, this evening I bid a misty farewell to a friend that I haven't known long, but will miss and think of often. I am sad I won't be here to help, but I am needed much more elsewhere. I will see you both in a year, and you better call me so that we may ALL get together. It would be so grand to be a party of four... rather than the usual three... or two soon. You will be fine M... don't worry too much (that is a large feat if you manage not to worry a ton), he will be home soon. And B, take care, and thanks for doing what others will not.

Surveys seem so simple, and require so little...
1. One book that's changed your life.
Any VC Andrews novel ever...

2. One book that you have read more than once.
The Chronicles of Narnia

3. One book that you would want on a deserted island?
The ultimate Map Book or something... so I can plot my way home.

4. One book that made you cry.
Home Fires Burning--- Pain staking, Army Wife stories

5. One book that made you laugh.
Eragon

6. One book you wish had been written
I don't understand the question?

7. One book you wish had never been written
Mein Kampf Hitler--- Good one T

8. One book you are currently reading
Eragon

9. One book you’ve been meaning to read.
Mr. Murder- Dean Koontz--- Matt's reading it in Iraq

10. One book you're proud you own
ummmmm... the Dictionay

11. One book from which you must read aloud.
Persuassion- Jane Austen... that was a tough read

whaaaa?

2006-10-14T18:43:00.000-06:00

Another interesting "Google"...

Search: always unsupportive wife

And, apparently, you find my blog.

Weird.

your lessons for today

2006-10-14T18:30:00.000-06:00

You can only blame your Present and Future on your Past for so long; Sooner or later you must learn from your history... so that you may credit your Future to your Past. I do not feel for you if you let someone hurt you, twice. I have no pity for repeat offenders. I find no solace in their self-destructive nature, and the tears it brings to many.

If you don't want honesty from me, I am not the friend for you. You and I will not get along. If you want to wear a short shirt out on the town, and you ask me, "Does this make me look like a slut?" I'm not going to lie to you; I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear. I'm going to give you the Truth; the ugly, painful, and releasing Truth.

If it makes you feel better to throw my own misery in my face, find a sympathetic ear for your troubles elsewhere.

Everything is relative. Three weeks away from your loved one may feel like an eternity... and to us it is a mere hour... Texans think 60 degrees is cold; Minnesotan (ians? oans?) wear shorts. A flu shot is nothing; I have bruises I can't remember bumping; Cuts that bleed, and I feel nothing... but when a friend smites you... it writhes more than a thousand bee stings, and the scars last for a life time.

still uphill

2006-10-12T20:50:00.000-06:00

Every day is the same. Yet, every day I feel different. I feel as though this year passed has aged me double. Lessons I shouldn't have had to learn for years to come have made their presence known. Lessons on love, marriage, life, friendship, and common sense rear their maturity. I feel like a teddy bear must after hours in the rain. He's picked up by one leg, the soft water is squeezed from the inside... leaving him lighter, thinner, worn, and dry; Holes tatter his seems, and his button eyes are scratched or even missing. His faithful possessor still clings to him with love despite his wear and tear. The later part of this Teddy's story has yet to reveal it's ending. I'm unsure how my 25th year will close... it does tonight, and I will officially be in my late-twenties... I do harbor some hesitation to admit I am 26... not until 8:32am thank you very much... but, I have many things for which to be thankful. I am. I am grateful.

And, as always, I am missing a certain someone you all know as Matty.

His proximity suffocates me... His distance closes soon.

Hot RED Shoes

2006-10-09T21:08:00.000-06:00

My previous post was all piss and vinegar... here's a hot one. Check out my new b-day shoes. I'm so psyched. I wonder how bad my feet will hurt? Who cares! I'll be taller than all the boys! Friday the 13th here I come...

shitty friends

2006-10-09T20:36:00.000-06:00

There are many times when I have the most overwhemling desire to scream... but I don't. I remain silent; I only scream inside. When inside I blare, and my outside I just breathe... it's still obvious. My eyes can't hide shit, my voice always gives me away; So, I have no secrets. I am an open fucking book. Chapter by chapter one can flip through my inner workings, divulging my darkest thoughts to anyone who might ask, and solve the puzzle... revealing me.

Most pretend not to know. They don't ask, but I can see it (or hear it)... they wonder, but don't ask. Something is bothering me, but it's ignored. Avoidence is so easy... too easy. Only a real friend would ask.

There are people who are just starting the journey I started not too long ago... I am still here, still enduring... but, it seems to be forgotten. I seem to have been forgotten. Even though I know the feeling... of waiting... and now they know... but still I'm forgotten. I know this... I know I cannot rely on anyone, but myself. I am my own keeper. It is my responsiblity to "look after" me.

I'll still be here, enduring, and enduring... and fucking dealing like usual.

F-ing shitty friends.

Flown by Sheridan

It feels good to feel so good
It's like I've been misunderstood
And I've tried to hold on to you
But there's nothing else to hold on to
If you open your eyes only once
You would have known

This bird has flown
Long ago
I'm already gone

Took a long time to finally see
Now I'm stronger than I used to be
And we don't need to say goodbye
Cause we've done that so many times
And it never occured to you once
You're all alone

This bird has flown
Long ago
I'm already gone

And I've tried so many times to talk to you
But there's just so many things
You can put me through
If you'd open your eyes you would know
You're all alone

This bird has flown
Long ago
I'm already gone

Already gone...
Already gone...

Cast Away

2006-10-07T09:48:00.000-06:00

Since I am an extremely happening gal, I was livin' it up on my couch last night with the longest movie of all time, Cast Away. It's on TNT three nights in a row. I guess TNT doesn't realize I'm going to be on my couch for those three nights... in a row... and could use a little something else. Anyway, not the point.

Cast Away... what a grand movie. I saw it, of course, years ago when it came out, but now it's entire theme has different implications. Chuck Noland, Tom Hanks' character, tells his best girl, Kelly (played by Helen Hunt), "I'll be right back." Not only that, he gives her a ring... well, we never really find out what is in that box, but one can only assume it is a ring... and that she'd have said, "Yes," if asked the "Big Question." Foreshadowing at its best.

Matt said that to me... in so many words, "It's only a year, and then I'll be back." The year does come upon me shortly, but we are not out of the woods just yet, and I cannot help but apply the scenario.

Anyway, so Chuck stayed alive. He survived countless injuries, thoughts of suicide, insanity (no doubt), solitude, a sore tooth, and surely less than perfect hygiene. He stayed alive to get back to his girl, Kelly. She kept him alive. This mimics the way many Soldiers get married just before leaving for War. So that someone is waiting. I don't know how single Soldiers do it, and this is all part of the reason there is much pressure for officers to get married. So, they have someone at home, and the job isn't everything, among other reasons.

Many Soldiers endure the previously listed hardships... also. But not for 4 years, and the solitude isn't as severe.

Anyway... Chuck returns from 4 years on a deserted island, looking great (especially considering), and Kelly has appeared to have moved on. She's married, has a daughter, and even cut her hair. But, she still loves him... desperately.

Since I am a romantic (or maybe just self-proclaimed tragedy addict), I can apply almost any love story to my own... this one especially. So, naturally, I had horrible dreams last night... just horrible. I won't go into detail, since I don't remember all of it...

but, all I know is I could really use an email, or better yet, a phone call.

And so the waiting game continues.

misspelled, dirty words

2006-10-06T08:08:00.000-06:00

Well, usually... people come across my page by searching for lyrics to a song, "how to make paper", or "deployment"... this is the strangest, and dirtiest, yet... at least I think it was intended to be dirty. I feel it interesting enough to blog about:

"FUKING HOLE"

Just like that... misspelled... capital letters. Someone from Mexico searched this... dirty.

ahhh good deeds

2006-10-04T13:41:00.000-06:00

Well, I think I've managed a good deed or two this year... but, today, tops the list (as in the one that gives me the most satisfaction). I've just picked up 48 sets of sheets, pillow cases, comforters, towels, and wash cloths from the Rear D command post. Why, you ask? Well, for washing! And, later... when we actually determine where they will go... we will all get together and make beds for single Soldier's returning home from Iraq! It's exciting. Good thing I live on post, and don't pay for water! I imagine this takes a huge weight off Rear D and all the things those poor people have to deal with... And, the Soldier's that may return home to no one, will at least have a place to lay their head, and towels for washing. Yay me!

mis‧take

2006-10-03T21:29:00.000-06:00

mis‧take: (mɪˈsteɪk)

-noun
1. an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc.
2. a misunderstanding or misconception.

I have made... mistakes. Many many mistakes. For example... smoking that firstcigarettee; 'why did I give that guy my number?'; ditching school; skipping the dentist; driving without my seat belt... luckily, my mistakes have been ones I can bounce back from. It's part of "life", right? Right. There are many that don't have this luxury... many of whom aren't as lucky as I seem to be. I'm also lucky to have a conscience. A moral, and ethical, awareness.

-verb (used with object)
3. to regard or identify wrongly as something or someone else: I mistook him for the mayor.
4. to understand, interpret, or evaluate wrongly; misunderstand; misinterpret.

I've confused certain people for something else... not much elaboration needed there, right? You all know. We've all thought someone to be something they are not... even though these people might force themselves to appear as such, it is still our mistake. If I misinterpret something a person has said... and I ask for no clarification... it is my mistake. If I read between the lines... it is my mistake. Just because I perceive something to be, it does not make it so.

-verb (used without object)
5. to be in error.

Wrong place, wrong time, but with a little more knowledge... sound familiar? Love confusion... and such. Or, for another example confusing balsamic vinegar with balsamic vinaigrette... fatal cooking error.

-Idiom
6. and no mistake, for certain; surely: He's an honorable person, and no mistake.

But, in all my falsehoods, follies, faults... or whichever word beginning with "f" you wish... MAKE NO MISTAKE, these are incidences from which I learn. Things I intend to avoid in the future. One should never assume I might place myself in positions where I might make the same mistakes. No, this is definitely not in my character. I may not know myself completely... do we ever? But, I know myself enough to understand consequences. When an action forces a certain feeling upon me, I NEVER wish for said feelings again. I'm not into self mutilation...

My point? Uh, good question... CLARIFICATION is endlessly valuable. And closure... is oh so necessary. And so, it is done.

quiz, for a change.

2006-10-02T09:52:00.000-06:00

I got this quiz from sunny side of life...

Personality Test

Type A Casual Personality
This is a woman who has the same tendencies as her compulsive sister. She, however does not go to the extreme. While her environment is always neat and disorder distresses her, she does not obsess over it. She has managed to place relationships in their proper perspective, yet struggles keeping them there. In a nutshell, she is a more easy going or relaxed version of an A - Compulsive.

ummm... spot on.

I'm not a Soldier, but I've got soul

2006-09-29T21:34:00.000-06:00

On a night, such as tonight, with clear skies, and mild temperatures, I'm indoors. I'm indoors enjoying the free electricity that pumps out freezing air in the form of air conditioning. Hey, why not... right. I'm enjoying free AC, jamming to my cell phone's MP3 player, and yelling at my dog every 5 minutes to quit eating herself out! It's a rough life, right..?

6 weeks... 6 fucking weeks. Man, why does it still feel so far away? My neighbor across the street says "goodbye" tomorrow night to her husband. It's so sad. I can feel the atmosphere... I can remember the atmosphere. I remember the fear... I can feel the uncertainty. Think you know uncertainty? Trying being one of the wives on this block... or in this life... then complain. You won't... not about your mundane "uncertainties"... no you wouldn't. I can smell the disbelief. "Is this really happening?" "Is this really my life?" It's so surreal. I know. I know. I creeps up on you, the "leaving". It creeps in like the tide... slow, yet aggressive. You ignore it for a time; life continues as though it were "normal". Then, like a wave destroys a sand castle, you've forgotten to breathe in all the love, it's gone. He leaves... and you're left with "everyday". . . every day with its lingering longing, forever draining on the senses. All you feel is empty. I know this.

I remember wishing, "Why can't it be next year?" And, shit, here it is "next year". This time last year my husband was on a 50 day rotation in Fort Irwin, and in a few months would be gone. Now, he will be home in less than 2 months... less than 2 months. It feels so close... as if my fingertips are touching a thread that hangs from his powder blue shirt. I can't cling to it, I can only feel as it tickles... and blows in the hot wind. I can feel the warmth of his smile in his eyes when we speak... he waits to touch my face... I long to snuggle, nose to nose.

Time passes so slowly... and yet, opportunity is lost with one breath.

Fret not... dear friends, your dues shall be paid, and love restored to its proper place. I know my life coming back full circle means yours is interrupted... Roles will reverse once again in a years time.

Good luck.

Misconception

2006-09-26T20:44:00.000-06:00

If you feel like someone is pointing you out... calling for help... or angry with you for some reason... Fucking ask... don't just assume. It's irritating. Have a nice day.

I surprise myself with my versatile taste in music.

Miranda Lambert
"Love Is Looking For You"
Maybe you're just jaded from some nobody's unforgotten words
Maybe you're just faded, a little gray from every time that you've been hurt
So you're lookin for your skin that you never did fit in
You can't hide when you're turned inside out
Love is looking for you now
Maybe you been burnin' but you can't blow out a flame that you can't find
Maybe you've been thirsty but the rain just aint enough when you're this dry
So you're runnin' from the water and the fire's getting hotter
I think you better find some lever ground
Love is lookin' for you now
Love is lookin' for you now
Maybe you been wearing the shoes that someone else is wearing now
Maybe you've been swearing forever might have already run out
You can't love yourself at the expense of someone else
You can't hide a liar from the truth
Love is lookin' for you
Love is lookin' for you
I've been looking for you
Baby I've been lookin...
I've been looking for you

Vanessa's "READ ME" file.

2006-09-25T21:44:00.000-06:00

I am an intellectual person... understanding, and compromising to near a fault. I may not watch the news often, but I realize there are greater concerns in the world aside from my own. I realize those close to me have their own obligations, priorities, and concerns. When Matt comes home, what I do to pass the lonely hours in the night, and his day to day activities don't really sit on the brains of many... I get that. I've also learned I can bring people down... I may wear a mask, but my eyes hide nothing. I hate that, but it's fact.

Now, we (humans) are notorious for saying things "people just say", such as... "call me if you need anything." I get that. I also get the need people feel to say that... because well, it's something "you just say". It's irritating when you know someone isn't genuine. Ninety-five percent of the time, they don't expect you to call. Few actually mean what they say. I'm guilty of this, I'm sure. I can't pin-point something, but I'm not arrogant enough to believe I'm exempt. The faulty wires in my system can only be reconnected by a professional... so, this is by no means an attack from a perfect human. Shit, I only use, like 8% of my brain power or something. It's just... well, you can call someone a "friend", and never talk to them. You can speak to you friends, and not really talk. You know many of them are out there, but you can't feel them. Some are self-involved... some are avoiders (guilty), some really do have to much on their minds, some just don't care...

I am so thankful for the few friends I do have... they keep me grounded. They've helped me through these last two months, which have been uphill. I feel the wind in my favor, now. I really do... before, I think I was faking. I really couldn't see that light near the end. It was all black. Now, though, I'm feeling much better.

So, back to my point... thanks to those of you who really mean what you say...

and to those of you who "just say things"...

I just fucking hate being ignored.

Life List

2006-09-25T12:12:00.000-06:00

So, there are many things I want to accomplish before life (or gravity) kicks in. Many things are on my list, but (close to the top) is to compete in a triathlon. Something small to start off with... something like swim 800 meters, Bike 12.4 miles, Run 3.1 miles. I'm in a great place for the sport. Austin is quite the outdoors town. I just got through with a 4 mile run, and I'm getting on my bike for about 20 miles here in a minute. I'm just curious... anyone out there ever trained for a triathlon? I need a schedule. I want to be ready for one by February. I have plenty of time, but... the biggest goal I have is to keep up with Matthew. He's a great athlete. I've never been very sporty, but I have good body composition, I just have to fake the endurance part. I can build up, I'm sure... but I need a good plan. Nutrition being my field, I think I've got that covered... just the training..
Okay, so let's recap... I need help with training. Got that? Okay good.
Have a good day!

fascinating

2006-09-23T00:31:00.000-06:00

Waiting is all I have,
Waiting...
Smiling though the chorus,
Sobbing the verses...
Hiding,
Anticipating,
Each word
Every letter
Making up memories...
All I am is pretending,
Pretending
Pretending
Faking the crowd
Showing my façade...
My façade
Is perfected
Flawless and deceiving...
Wanting is all I have
Wanting
All I am is Waiting...
I am fantastically well versed
with misconception.
Deception.
... don't... believe... a... word... I... write.

By any other name...

2006-09-20T21:31:00.000-06:00

This would still be a night alone. No fancy metaphors, no confusing Army mumbo jumbo... by any other name... this Wednesday night, may as well be a Monday or Saturday. This night does not deserve it's own name. I still spill over these words... I still beat the keys of my keyboard with moderate efficiency and accuracy... mediocre. This night is mediocre. Melancholy... I still stare at his smile placed so sweetly and delicately on the top of my computer monitor. So fragile that the slightest bump of my rickety desk, and the frame fumbles to the floor... tumbling many times before making it's crash. Today is not different. I still pick it up, wipe it off, kiss his face, and place it back in the same dangerous yet provocative spot. I must be able to see his face in every room. Each day I walk through our house... my head looks left of the bed... I see his face. it the bathroom I brush my teeth, and look at his blue eyes staring back at me. In the kitchen I make the coffee... I open the freezer, slam the door shut, and his picture jiggles on the front. As I watch TV, and he watches with me. As I sit and type to you, dear blogger, he sits with me.
Each day I am faced with a reminder of what's "missing". Not happiness... not love... just the comfort of both. I have them, but they are out of reach. As if I've purchased a great new pair of shoes, but they are on lay-away for an uncertain length of time... but, when the shoes come on, the crooked smile is wiped from my face, and replaced with tears of joy and sore cheeks.

The Army Wife Prayer

Dear Lord,

Give me the greatness of heart to see the difference between duty and his love for me.

Give me understanding that I may know, when duty calls him he must go.

Give me a task to do each day, to fill the time when he's away.

And Lord, when he's in a foreign land, keep him safe in your loving hand.

And Lord, when duty is in the field, please protect him and be his shield.

And Lord, when deployment is so long, please stay with me and keep me strong. Amen.

-- Author:anonymous